“We have to rectify that,” Cora says. “My friends and I have been on loads of vacations over the years, but I have to say that my favorite spot is Hawaii. I love it there.”
“Maybe one day we’ll go there together.” The words come out before I can arrest them. Making such statements is a recipe for danger, knowing full well that when the baby comes, that will be the end for us.
In the distance, boats bob on the surface of the darkening ocean. A sigh of pleasure escapes my mouth. A thought so unexpected and so poignant comes to me. I wish I’d done such things with Tessa. Pain spreads across my chest at the realization of how little fun Tessa and I had. I have very few memories to draw on. That’s another regret to add to my regret box.
I’d always thought of myself as having been a good husband to Tessa, but the more Cora and I speak, and I get a glimpse of her and her friends’ lives, it hits me that I was actually quite a shitty husband. Yes, I performed all the duties and responsibilities of a husband, but when I look back, I don’t see the fun.
Tessa had been so patient with me. She had probably been waiting for me to slow down. To start living. Even then, I’d worked all weekends, leaving her to her own devices. She had never complained, and I remember telling her that it was all for us and there would be time for other things later.
Only time ran out for us, and that later never came. My timing had always been bad when it came to relationships. Some people should come with a warning sign glued to their foreheads: Not suitable for marriage/relationships.
“I’m starving,” Cora says, jolting me back to the present. “It’s embarrassing how hungry I get.”
“You’re growing another human being in your body.”
We turn back, and once again, each of us is lost in our thoughts. There’s something about the sea and the beach that’s inspiring candid thought.
There’s something else that I haven’t even managed to admit to myself. After I got over the initial shock of the pregnancy news, I’d gotten excited about the baby. But a couple of weeks later, that feeling disappeared.
I’m ashamed to admit that the baby doesn’t feel real anymore. I look at fathers-to-be at work and see the excitement in their eyes. Where’s my excitement?
I really am fucked up.
Chapter 17
Cora
This has got to be the simplest dress that I now own, but it’s the one that has me feeling the sexiest. It’s floral and strapless and loose around my body. It was the only one left of its kind in the gift shop. Maybe it feels so special because Thomas bought it for me. He insisted on buying everything I need for the weekend. It felt odd accepting so much from him, but he’d insisted, and we had started to draw attention from other shoppers.
I fork the last of my steak and potatoes and sit back in my chair.
“Do you want more?” Thomas asks, a look of concern on his face, which makes me laugh.
“I’m good, I promise, and no dessert for me either,” I say, patting my belly. I reach for my glass of water and drain it in one go. “This baby is turning me into a glutton.” Not that I’m worried about getting back into shape. Working out for me has never been a chore. I love it, and I’ll be right back at it when the baby is born.
Any single woman in the restaurant looking at me now is probably thinking how lucky I am. Thomas is the kind of male that attracts female attention wherever he goes. I want to ask him whether he’s excited about the baby, but he’s fallen back into his pensive mood. I have no doubt that he’s thinking about Tessa. His gaze is focused somewhere to my right. He eats without much enjoyment or paying attention to what goes into his mouth. If only they knew. No woman can have Thomas’s heart. Knowing that doesn’t stop me from wishing he was available to love. Wishing he could be mine.
This is the perfect moment to have the conversation that brought me here. Only I can’t bring myself to ask him why he left town without letting me know. I have an inkling of what the answer might be, and I don’t want to hear it. What if he raises an eyebrow at me and reminds me that he doesn’t owe me an explanation? What then? How do I respond to that? I know I’m being a coward but I’m loving the impromptu vacation, and I don’t want anything to spoil it. I’ll ask him when we return to LA.
After dinner, a live band gets on the stage and starts playing oldies. I love dancing, and it has been ages since I took to the dance floor.