He looked at me like he didn’t want my apologies, but I didn’t let him talk.
“I am.” My voice wavered. “Knowing that your dad was sick and you were all the way here, alone. Taking it all without anyone to hold you. That he has been critical for weeks, and yet you came to Spain with me. That you …” I trailed off, my voice now shaking. “That you would give me so fucking much without ever asking for anything in return. It destroyed me. But I’m here now,” I whispered, looking into his eyes.
“I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere, not because I believe that we can somehow be together now, but because I can’t conceive of being anywhere else but beside you.” I swallowed hard, trying to rein in every emotion threatening to burst out. “You know that, right?” I leaned in, my lips brushing over his. Very softly, almost tentatively. Waiting for his answer.
“I do now.” A low grunt came from his throat. His fingers tightened once more around my wrist. The arm around my waist brought me even deeper into his chest. “I do, Lina. And I don’t plan on letting you forget that.”
The hand that had been on my wrist trailed up my arm, his palm cupping my face. I leaned into his touch, feeling like I could live only on Aaron’s caresses and kisses.
“I would have come back for you, you know? I told you I wouldn’t let you quit on us. You still owed me that four-letter word.”
He had said that. And the realization made my stomach drop to my feet. How dumb I had been. Aaron hadn’t given up on us; that had been only me. Only temporarily. While Aaron had been holding on to this. To us. All this time. Even when he needed someone by his side the most. And that … that made the heart in my chest burst into a hundred million pieces, only to reassemble into something different. Something that didn’t belong to me anymore. It belonged to us.
“It’s yours. Love and all the other four-letter words I could ever give you.” I placed a kiss on his mouth, not able to hold myself back any longer. I took my time with his lips, claiming them as mine. Claiming him.
A hum sounded deep in his throat. “You are stuck with me, Catalina.”
Both arms cradled me closer in his lap, further into his chest. The side of my head rested against his drumming heart, his chin on the top of my hair, and peace—an overpowering kind of peace I had never heard of or experienced before—settled between my shoulders. And I knew then that we’d take anything on as long as we were together. We were a team. We’d light up each other’s way, hold each other’s hand, and push the other forward when we stumbled. Together. We’d do anything together.
Just like we would get through this. I’d get Aaron through this.
“Aaron?” I lifted my gaze and met his. “I’m here for you now. I’m going to take care of you,” I told him simply.
He sighed; it was deep and slow, and it sounded like he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders.
“But just know that if I had known your dad was sick, I would have never let you come to Spain with me. Why didn’t you tell me when you talked a
bout him, Aaron? I know you don’t owe me an explanation, but I want to know. I want to understand better.”
“Because everything … changed.” His throat worked, and his gaze took on a lost edge. “He has been battling cancer for the last year. Ironic huh? First, Mom and now…” Aaron trailed off, needing a second to compose himself. “Until a few days ago, I had planned on remaining away. Leave things the way they were between us. Even when I flew home a few weeks ago.”
“You did?”
“Yes, it was after my promotion was announced. That was what kept me from talking to you about our deal.”
I had not noticed Aaron taking days off back then, although work had been completely crazy, so I guessed I had been distracted. But it all made sense now.
“I would have talked to you eventually. I would have managed either way.”
“That doesn’t matter now, baby,” I told him, meaning every word.
He sighed deeply. “So, I came all the way to Seattle, but I couldn’t bring myself to talk to him. To admit to myself, to show him that I still cared when he had pushed me away all those years ago. When he was the father I had already lost.”
My fingers drew circles on his chest, right above his heart. “What changed then?”
“Everything did.” He exhaled, and it came out shaky and pained. “I … I somehow thought I had you, and then just as quickly, I didn’t. And as much as I was set on not letting you quit on me, I saw it in your eyes. You had really given up on us. You believed in your decision.”
A shadow came over his face, and I instinctively leaned to place a kiss to the corner of his lips, dissipating that temporary darkness.
“The possibility that I could really lose you started solidifying in my head. And I just …” He shook his head. “God, it’s not the same, I know. But I finally got it. I understood how hard it’d hit him, losing Mom. How lost he must have been at the reality of not having a way to get her back. How many reckless decisions he must have taken. It did not justify that he pushed me away, but I am to blame too. I had been so lost in my own head that I let him do that. And then I allowed both of us to keep it on for years.”
“Neither of you is at fault, Aaron. We are not programmed to lose those we love; there’s no right or wrong way to grieve.” My hand trailed up his chest, my palm settling against his collarbone. “We just try our best, even when, often, our best is not good enough. Blaming yourself now is not going to change the past; it’s only going to take away energy that you should be spending in the present. And look where you are now; you are here. It’s not too late.”
He brushed a kiss over my head. “That day, when everything with Gerald went down, I got a call from the hospital. They told me that things didn’t look well for him. Apparently, my dad had asked for me. Several times. Demanded that I had to be contacted.” His voice trailed off, and I let my fingers play with the hair at the nape of his neck. Letting him know I was here. Listening. Having his back. “It’s like everything lined up, and suddenly, not only did I understand him in a way I hadn’t before, but I also had this urge to see him. Not to apologize or to mend things between us, but to at least say good-bye. And I knew this was probably my last chance to do that.”
“Did you do that? Say good-bye?”
“The moment I got here, I went into his room with the intention to do that. Say good-bye, walk out, and just wait. But I … somehow ended up talking to him. Telling him everything I hadn’t said in all these years we were apart. He wasn’t conscious. I can’t be sure if he was even listening, but I just went on. I couldn’t stop. I talked and talked, Lina. Told him everything. I don’t even know how long I was there. And I don’t know if it was for nothing because maybe not a word was getting through to him, but I did it anyway.”