She felt herself pressing her fist to her chest, as if she’d been stabbed in the heart and had to stop herself from bleeding out. She sure felt like she had. But he wasn’t a shifter—he couldn’t understand the way she did. And that meant she had to make the hard decision for them both.
Her voice dropped so low that it sounded like a tiger’s growl. “Fine. You don’t understand what it means to be mates. I get it. This is all new to you. But here’s the important thing. I’m saying no, Ethan. The answer is no.”
Ethan looked like she’d kicked him in the stomach. He actually took a step backward, as if she really had. “All right. I don’t understand. But you’re saying no, so… I respect that. You ever change your mind, let me know. But I’m not going to keep hassling you when you want me to lay off.”
“Thanks. You’re a good guy. And I hope we can still be friends.” She sighed. “If it’s not too weird. And awkward. And frustrating.”
Ethan straightened up, visibly pulling himself together. Putting on a mask of unconcern, he said, “Aw, no, mudpuppy, we can still be buddies. I’ve been turned down before. I’m a big boy, I can take it.”
“Okay. Good. We’re on, jarhead.” Destiny blinked hard, forcing back the sting of oncoming tears. Making herself sound casual, she asked, “Hey, I never asked. How long are you planning to stay in Santa Martina?”
He shrugged. The easy flow of conversation between them had dried up, which hurt as much as everything else. “A couple weeks, a couple months. I go where they send me, when they send me. You know how it is.”
“Yeah, I remember.”
She retreated to the bathroom to brush her teeth and take her pill. She normally took them first thing in the morning, but it was almost dawn now. She swallowed it, then changed into a borrowed nightgown, hoping Ethan would be asleep or pretending to be when she got back. Sure enough, he was in the sleeping bag when she returned, his face buried in the pillow. When she turned out the lights and got under the blankets on the sofa bed, he waited ten minutes, then snuck out to the bathroom.
Destiny lay awake trying to argue with the feeling that she’d made the biggest mistake of her life. But was it so wrong not to enter into a relationship that she already knew was doomed? Sure, she’d dated men before without worrying about mates. But they’d been casual affairs: just for fun, nothing serious intended on either side. She couldn’t imagine anything she did with Ethan not getting very serious, very quickly. And then, doom.
No. She was definitely doing the right thing. Sometimes that hurt and was hard, because life could hurt and be hard.
But if Ethan wasn’t her mate, who in the world was?
After the trial at which Ellie’s courageous testimony put all the gangsters in jail, Ethan deployed. He only had time to give Ellie a quick call, and then he was gone. Destiny foolishly, pointlessly, hopelessly missed him every single day that she didn’t see his blue-green eyes. Six months later, he came back, and every single day that she did see him, she foolishly, pointlessly, hopelessly missed the relationship they didn’t have, had never had, never would have. Missed him, even though he was right there. And then he deployed again, and she missed him again. More fool her.
And so it went. For two endless years, while she watched as one by one, each of her teammates found their mates. She was happy for them, of course, and not only because they’d found love. With their mates, they also found a missing piece of themselves, had some jagged edge smoothed out or some old wound healed. And the same was true of their mates. They’d all been made whole.
What’s the piece I’m missing? Destiny sometimes wondered. How would I change, if I ever found my mate?
She asked her tiger, sometimes, but the big cat only gave her a lazy shrug. How should I know?
Every time Ethan returned to Santa Martina, tanned and tired and happy to see his sister, the pang of love and misery that stabbed through Destiny’s heart felt like it would just about kill her. After the first time, she made sure she didn’t catch his eyes until a few seconds had gone by; that one unguarded look of raw longing she’d caught the first time had nearly made her throw herself into his arms.
But where would that lead? To him meeting his true mate and realizing how trapped he was, and her pretending it didn’t break her heart when they broke up—or worse, got divorced—so he could be with the woman he really loved.
No. Being with Ethan was a fool’s game, doomed from the start, and Destiny’s mama hadn’t raised a fool. She’d enjoy his company when she got it, but only as a friend. And when the time came, she’d dance at his wedding and make herself look happy, and never let on that her heart was breaking inside. And that was that.
Until Ethan deployed again.
And didn’t come back.
Part II
Author’s note
These events occur after Protection, Inc. # 6, Soldier Snow Leopard.
Chapter 4
Ethan
Ethan had spent the last six hours in a rough and dangerous borderland that could be concealing an enemy behind every boulder or within every ravine, trudging up and down hills with an eighty-pound rucksack on his back, and he had at least another six hours to go. There had been absolutely no sign of the terrorist hideout they’d been sent to find. He was convinced that some desk-sitter back at the Pentagon had mistaken a herd of stray goats for a band of armed men. It wouldn’t be the first time. If so, it was lucky for the goats that they’d sent four Recon Marines instead of a stealth bomber.
He wa
s hot, hungry, tired, and sure that it was all for nothing. But what bothered him was that he wasn’t enjoying himself anyway.
I used to love being a Marine, Ethan thought. What happened?