“Before we were married, I wouldn’t let him. I wanted to be married first, I wanted it to be right.” She poured coffee for both of them, then sat at the table. “I was nervous on our wedding night, but excited, too. You’d given me a white nightgown for my shower. It was so pretty, so perfect. It made me feel like a bride. When we got to the motel, I asked Joe to give me an hour to myself. I wanted to take a long bath and…well, you know.”
“The female ritual. Yeah, I know.”
“He came back—it was closer to two hours—and he was drunk. It wasn’t the way I’d always dreamed. He ripped the gown, and he pushed me onto the bed. It all happened so fast, and he hurt me. I knew it was supposed to hurt some the first time, but it was more than some. He fell asleep right after, and I just laid there. I didn’t feel anything.”
“A man’s not supposed to treat a woman that way.” Even if she hadn’t already despised Joe Dolin, Ed would have despised him now. “That’s not how it’s supposed to be.”
“It was the way it was. Always. I never felt anything, Ed. Ever. He didn’t always hurt me, but it was always quick, and mostly a little mean. I figured it was my fault—he told me it was often enough. It got better when I was carrying Connor, because he left me alone most of the time. I didn’t know he was cheating on me then. I guess I was too stupid.”
“Don’t you call yourself stupid,” Ed said fiercely. “I don’t want to hear that.”
“Maybe I just didn’t care enough to know, or want to know. I was wrapped up in becoming a mother, then in being one. He was already hitting me. We hadn’t been married long when that started, but I didn’t think there was anything I could do about it. My mother said…well, it doesn’t matter what she said. I stayed, then Emma came along. He only wanted me a couple of times after Emma… He forced me.”
“Oh, Cassie. Honey, why didn’t you tell me?”
“Ed, I was too ashamed. He was my husband, and I had it in my head that he had a right to do what he did. I know different now.” She took a long breath. “You see, when I went to Devin last night, I didn’t think… I knew he wouldn’t hurt me, at least not like Joe had. I thought going to bed with him would make him happy, and it didn’t matter to me. I mean, I thought he would just…that I would just…”
“You had yourself a real man last night,” Ed finished. “And it changed things.”
“Yes.” Relieved, Cassie smiled. “He was so gentle, so patient. You know, it mattered to him what I was feeling. It really mattered. And he made me feel beautiful. Ed…” She bit her lip, even as it curved again. “It matters to me now. I’m already thinking about next time.”
Ed let out a cackling laugh and squeezed Cassie’s hand. “Good for you.”
“He says he loves me,” Cassie said quietly. “I know men say those things when they want you, or they think you need to hear it. But do you think he could?”
“I think Devin MacKade’s a man who says what he means. What about you?”
“I don’t know. That part of me is so confused. I didn’t love Joe, Ed. I never did. I used him.”
“Cassandra—”
“No, I did. I used him to get out of the house, because I wanted to have a family of my own, and he was there. I wasn’t fair to him. I don’t mean that gave him the right to beat me,” she added, noting the warrior gleam in Ed’s eye. “Nothing gave him that right. But I didn’t love him, not the way a woman should love her husband.”
“He didn’t do anything to deserve love.”
“No, he didn’t. With Devin, I feel so many things, so many different things, and I don’t know if one of them is that kind of love.”
“Then you take all the time you need to sort it out. Don’t you let anyone push you into anything you’re not ready for. Not even Devin.”
“How will I know?”
“Sweetie pie, when the time comes you’ll know. Take my word for it, you’ll know.”
While Cassie was talking with Ed over coffee, Devin was pulling up at the farm. He’d felt a need f
or home. The sky was losing its dawn haze when he walked into the milking parlor. Shane and two of the 4-H students he often took on as help were finishing up the morning routine.
Patiently Shane showed one of the boys how to detach cow from machine without causing irritation. The parlor smelled of warm milk, animal and hay.
“You’re going to check her teats after, just like you did before, to make sure there’s no infection.” He did so himself, demonstrating. “When she’s dry, you see to her feed.” He cocked a brow at Devin. “You can see the sheriff wanders in when most of the work’s done. Y’all lead them out now.”
Devin gave the cow an easy swat, then helped Shane clean and disinfect the machines. It was routine, companionable work.
“Remember when Dad had us milking by hand?” Devin asked.
“He figured we’d better know. Machines break down, but cows fill up regular. You’re up early,” Shane commented. “And you’ve got a stupid grin on your face. Looks like you got lucky.”
Devin only angled his head. “I’m feeling too good to pound on you this morning.”