I looked at him. "You mean Nathaniel."
He nodded.
"No, I ... I don't trust myself not to lose control and ... you know what I mean."
"He is lovely to the eye, and he cares for you. Would it be so very wrong?"
"Yes, yes, it would be like child molesting. He can't say no. If a person can't say no, then it's the same as rape."
"Perhaps what you do not wish to acknowledge, ma petite, is that Nathaniel knows exactly what he wants, and what he wants is you."
"He wants me to dominate him in every sense of the word."
"It is best if a pomme de sang is submissive to you."
I shook my head.
"Then who else would you want to risk being carried away with, your Nimir-Raj?" This time there was something in his voice.
"You are jealous."
"The Nimir-Raj is not a pomme de sang, a mistress, a dessert, no matter how delectable. He is an entree, a very, very main course, and I wish to be the only entree at your table."
"You were sharing me with Richard, and he certainly wasn't just dessert."
"Very true, but he also had ties to me. He is my wolf to call, and that is a different ... relationship to me, to you, than some stranger."
"I know it was the ardeur, but damn, I've never ..."
"You are not a woman of casual lusts. No, ma petite, you are not. And I fear that this Nimir-Raj is no more casual than the rest of your lusts." He looked so serious when he said it, solemn.
"What do you mean?"
"If you are truly his Nimir-Ra, then you will be drawn to him. There is no help for it. And truthfully, I cannot fault your taste. He is not as fair of face as our Richard, but he does have certain compensations." The look on his face made me blush again.
I turned to the sink and started brushing my teeth, and he took it as a dismissal. He went out laughing. When the door was closed behind him and I was alone I stood for a long time looking at myself in the mirror. It still looked like me. But I could taste Jason's blood underneath the toothpaste. I started scrubbing and spitting and running the cold water, listening to the sound of the water instead of the screaming inside my head.
When Jean-Claude came back into the room I was rinsing the blood out of the washrag I'd used and had three different kinds of mouthwash sitting beside the sink. I'd used all three, and I couldn't taste anything but minty freshness. You could scrub yourself clean of the blood and the taste of it in your mouth, but the stains that really mattered were the ones that no amount of soap or water could touch. I'd have said that things couldn't get any worse, but I knew they could, and rapidly. If I locked myself away for a few days until I could control the ardeur, the werewolves would vote without me there, and they'd execute Gregory. If they killed Gregory, it wasn't just Jacob that I'd kill. It would be war between me, my pard, and Richard's pack. Richard was just Boy Scout enough to get in my way, and maybe force me to kill him. Something inside of me would die if Richard died, and if I pulled the trigger ... some things you recover from, some things you don't. Killing Richard would be one of those things I wouldn't recover from.
Jean-Claude said softly, "Are you alright, ma petite?"
I shook my head, but said, "Sure."
He held a bundle of blue satin out to me. "Then you need to get dressed, and I will escort you back outside."
I looked at him. "Is it that obvious that I don't want to go back out there?"
"Jason has been taken to his room. He will heal. But we thought it would upset you to see him. Nathaniel awaits your pleasure, since he did drive you."
"What about Asher?"
"He took Jason away."
"You know we have the answer to the question you've been wanting to know," I said.
We looked at each other. "I felt his release, ma petite. I know that he has been tormenting me, allowing me to believe he was ruined. But we still do not know how badly scarred he is, and that is a ruin of a different sort."
"You mean he may feel he's so scarred that he doesn't want anyone to see him, or touch him?"
"Oui."
"Until the two of you touched the boys, the ardeur didn't spread to you. Belle Morte didn't spread to you. It's like a disease," I said.
"I have seen that particular disease set loose in a banquet room the size of a football field and spread from person to person until all fell upon each other in a ... well, orgy is too mild a word."
"What did she gain from making a whole room of humans lose control like that?"
"She gains power from every feeding around her, but it was not that alone. She wished to see if there were limits to the number of people she could spread the desire through."
"Did she find her limit?"
"No."
"So hundreds of people," I said.
He nodded.
"And she fed off of the lust from them all?"
"Oui."
"What did she do with all that power?"
"She helped a marquis seduce a king and changed the trade routes and alliances of three countries."
I widened my eyes. "Well, at least it didn't go to waste."
"Belle has many faults, but the wasting of an advantage is not one of them."
"What did she gain through all the political maneuvering?"
"Land, titles, and a king that adored her. Remember, ma petite, that this was at a time in history when to be king of a nation meant to be absolute monarch. His word was life and death, and she ruled him through the sweet secrets of her body."
"No one is that good in bed."
A look passed over his face--a small smile that he tried to hide.
"If she was that wonderful, then why did you and Asher leave her the first time?"
"Asher had been with Belle for many years before I arrived, and more beyond that before he found Julianna. He and I were in the circle of innermost power, where many strived for centuries to get to and failed. We were her favorites until Asher found Julianna. It did not occur to me until decades later that Belle was jealous, but I think in a way that was it. She slept with other men, other vampires, and she was content that Asher and I shared each other's beds, and that we went to the vampires she chose to share us with. But another woman that we chose ourselves--that was different. But it is one of our most sacred laws not to harm another's human servant, so Belle did nothing. Then Asher offered Julianna to me, and we became a menage a trois, and that raised the question of Julianna sleeping with others."
He looked down at the floor, then up again. "Arturo was one of her favorites as well. He desired Julianna, but Asher refused him."
"Asher refused him, not Julianna," I said.
"She was his servant. She could not deny if he had consented."
"Ick," I said.
He shrugged. "It was a different century, ma petite, and Julianna was a different woman than you are."
"So why did Asher refuse?" I asked.
"He feared for Julianna's safety. We both did."
"Arturo liked it rough?"
"Mother Nature had made it almost impossible for Arturo to have it any way but rough."
I looked at him. "What do you mean?"
He gave that graceful shrug again. "Arturo is still the most well-endowed man I have ever seen."
It was my turn to shrug. "So?"
He shook his head. "You do not understand, ma petite. He is bien outille, well tooled. Ah, what is the English? ... Hung like a horse."
I started to point out that Richard was pretty well-endowed, but it's bad form to point out to boyfriend A that boyfriend B is bigger. Micah was better endowed even than Richard, but again, it didn't seem the thing to mention. I was finally left with, "I've seen two men that were hung like horses, as you say, and it was intimidating, but ... you're implying that you feared for Julianna's safety because he was so big."
"That is exactly what I am saying."
"No one's that big."
"Arturo makes even our Richard and your Nimir-Raj seem ungraced."
I blushed and wished I hadn't. "Those weren't the two men I was referring to."
He raised an eyebrow at me. "Indeed?"
The way he said it made me blush harder. "In New Mexico, one of Edward's backups, and one of the bad guys."
"And how did you happen to see just how well-graced they were, ma petite? There was something in his voice, a hint of warmth, like the beginnings of anger.
"I did not have sex with anyone."
"Then how did you see them nude?" His voice still held that warm edge, and I couldn't really blame him.
"Bernardo, Edward's backup, and I got questioned by a local biker gang, uh club. They didn't believe he was my boyfriend. They asked if he was circumcised, and I said yes. I figured I had a better than fifty-fifty chance in America. They made him drop his pants to prove it."
"Under some threat, I assume." He was looking more amused than angry now.
"Yeah."
"And the other one?"
"He tried to rape me."
Jean-Claude's eyes went wide. "What became of him?"
"I killed him."
He touched my face, gently. "I have only recently understood why I was so very attracted to you from almost the first time I heard you interact with the police."
"Not love at first sight," I said, "but love at first hearing. I don't have that good a voice."
"Do not underestimate the dulcet sounds of your voice, ma petite, but it was not the sound of your voice that fascinated me. It was your words. I knew from the moment I heard you, the moment I saw the gun and realized that this lovely, petite woman was the executioner, that you would never die waiting for me to save you--that you would save yourself."
I cupped his hand against my cheek, looked into his eyes and saw again that sorrow for failing to save Julianna that never quite left him. "So you wanted me because I was such a tough broad?"
He let me make the joke. He even smiled, but it never reached his eyes. "Oui, ma petite."
My voice was soft when I said, "So Arturo wanted Julianna."
He took his hand back, slowly. "And she feared him, and we feared for her. This is two hundred years ago, a little more now. Asher was not as powerful as he is now, and we feared that his human servant would not survive Arturo's attentions."
"I've got to ask, how big was he?"
Jean-Claude spaced his hands apart like you'd measure a fish. "Like this big." It looked to be about six inches.
"That's not so big."
"That is how wide he was," Jean-Claude said.
I just gaped at him. "You're exaggerating."
"No, ma petite, believe me, I remember."
"Then how long was he?"