Chapter Twenty
Ava rubbed at her stomach.
The days and weeks were merging together, and she was well into her second trimester. Smokey was with her for all the appointments, and the doctor had even offered to tell them the sex.
They’d both agreed to wait to find out the truth.
“Are you okay?” Harlow asked, coming into the back of the bakery.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” She rubbed the back of her neck.
“You don’t seem fine.” Harlow folded her arms.
She glanced over at the other woman and sighed. “It just feels like it has been a really long couple of months is all.”
“I can imagine. You’re carrying around another person, and of course you’ve got Smokey on your case. I don’t imagine being around him is easy.”
Ava chuckled. “He’s okay.”
Harlow grabbed one of the chairs and slid it over to her. “What’s up?”
“I don’t know. I think I’m just worried about the baby and everything, you know?”
“No, I don’t really. This isn’t about the baby, though, is it? This is about something else.”
Ava sighed. “It’s not important.”
“What are friends for if they don’t share? Have you ever thought that maybe you’re overthinking everything?”
Ava put her hands on her shoulders and gave a little stretch. “I know I am.”
“Then try me. I may be young, but I know a hell of a lot of things. I love to research answers. Come on.”
Ava licked her lips. “Fine. If you must know the truth…” She stopped and tucked some hair behind her ear. “I think I’m still in love with Smokey.”
“That’s not a revelation. Anyone can see that.”
“No, you don’t understand. I promised myself I would never fall for him. Ever again.” She closed her eyes and rubbed at them. “I know this sounds crazy, but he hurt me, and I … I don’t have a good track record with men. I suck, to be honest with you.”
“And you don’t want to suck anymore?” Harlow asked.
“I had an awful marriage. By the end, when I caught him cheating, I was so happy to get out of it. I wanted nothing from him. I didn’t care about him.”
“And Smokey?”
“I … I didn’t want to love him. It didn’t even start out as love. It was sex. That’s what we offered each other. Sex. No complications. No strings. Just sex.”
“But?”
“But I fell in love with him. I know he’s a little rough around the edges and he’s not for everyone, but I liked him, and it wasn’t so hard to fall in love with him either. He makes me happy. Then he … he destroyed that part of me, or at least I thought he did.” She shook her head. “I wasn’t going to love a man who couldn’t love me. Who thought so little of me.”
“And now?” Harlow asked.
“Now, we’ve got a baby on the way, and I want to hate him, but it’s like he knows I’m weak. He’s breaking down the walls I put up, wanting to hate him.”
“Have you ever considered that you might still be in love with him?” Harlow asked. “No matter how hard you try to fight it. You still love him and maybe always will.”
“What if he breaks my heart again? What if he does something even worse this time?” She couldn’t tell Harlow about the attack or how he was prepared to kill her. Those secrets would stay with her.
Big Dick may be a club member and Harlow was his sister, but Ava didn’t know what she knew of the club and their dealings.
“Have you ever thought about forgiving him?” Harlow asked. “Forgiving someone doesn’t make you weak at all, Ava.”
“I … he hurt me.”
“And when I see him and the way he looks at you, that man is in love with you. He will do anything for you.”
“What if it’s all a trick?”
“It’s not.”
Ava laughed. “You’re so young.”
Harlow shrugged. “I may be young, but I also know people, and I do understand them. Don’t write me off.”
“I’m not. I’m sorry.”
“How do you feel when you’re around him?” Harlow asked.
Ava paused and thought about the question and her feelings for Smokey. “When I don’t think of what happened, he makes me feel so alive. So happy.”
Harlow took her hands. “I know I’m young, and I don’t know anything. Here is what I do know. Life is way too short for you to hold any hatred. Forgiving can be empowering. I’m not saying to forget. Of course, remember. I’m sure Smokey will never forget what he did. That doesn’t mean he’s not living with his own regrets. He loves you in his way. Talk to him.”
Ava nodded. They’d tried to talk. Each time they did, it always ended up with sex, which she didn’t mind. They were able to communicate through sex.
There were even a few times he’d joined her afterward, holding her. She loved falling asleep in his arms. There was no better feeling in the world.