He looked at her. ‘You also wouldn’t have had the media speculation and the intense scrutiny afforded to our marriage.’
Darcy almost winced. After she’d left him the papers had been consumed by what had happened to her. Luckily she’d been able to return to London and disappear into the crowds, unassuming enough that no one recognised her. They’d been married for such a short amount of time it had really only registered as a story in Italy.
‘At least it didn’t affect your deal with Montgomery.’
Max’s mouth tightened. ‘Your assessment of him was right. He’d always intended giving me the fund—he just enjoyed making me work for it.’
Darcy sat down heavily onto the chair behind her. ‘So we never had to go through with the wedding?’
Max shook his head.
He came forward and touched the back of the chair next to hers and said, ‘Do you mind if I sit?’
Darcy waved a hand vaguely, barely aware of Max’s uncharacteristic reticence or solicitude. Or the starkness of his features.
‘The man who was just here...he is your boyfriend?’
Darcy came back into the room from imagining what might have happened, or not happened, if they hadn’t married. She didn’t like to admit that she preferred the version where they’d married. In spite of the pain.
Not really thinking, she said, ‘No, John’s my neighbour. And he’s gay.’
Max sucked in a breath and Darcy looked at him sharply. He looked gaunt. The flutters got stronger and she hated it.
Sharply, she said, ‘Not that it’s any business of yours. You’ve hardly been wasting any time proving that our marriage was a farce. I’ve seen those pictures of you with women.’
Max stood up then and shrugged off his jacket, revealing a long-sleeved top that clung almost indecently to his hard torso. For a second Darcy didn’t hear what he was saying...she was too hot and distracted.
‘...doing everything I could to try and pretend things can go back to normal.’
Darcy blinked. Max was pacing, talking as if to himself. She swivelled in the chair so she could watch him. He was like a glorious caged lion in the confines of her flat.
He turned to her. ‘The evening Montgomery announced that he was giving me the fund to manage I was so overcome with emotion that I couldn’t bear for you to see it. In case you’d see that the front I’d put up after Como was just that: a stupid, pathetic front to hide behind.’
‘Max, what are you talking about?’
But he wasn’t listening to her. He was pacing again, becoming increasingly angry. At himself.
‘When I went upstairs and saw you packing I felt panic. Panic! I’ve never panicked in my life—not even when I realised I had no option but to live on the streets.’
Darcy stood up, but Max continued.
‘And then you were standing there, so cool and collected, asking me what else I wanted now that I had achieved my goal.’
Max stopped and turned to face her again.
‘You were asking me to step out into an abyss and I was too much of a coward to do it. I told myself that I had everything I needed, that I didn’t need you. I told myself that the hunger I felt every time I looked at you, which got worse if I wasn’t near you, would fade in time. So I let you go, and I went back down to that function, and I told people you’d had to leave for a family emergency. I told myself I was fine. That I would be fine.’
He shook his head.
‘But I wasn’t. I’m not. The day my parents split my brother and I up I showed my emotions. I cried because I wanted to stay with my mother.’
His mouth twisted.
‘I couldn’t believe that she was going to leave me behind with my father... I had no thought for my brother, only myself. But he was the stoic one. I was the one falling apart. And so she took me, and I spent my life paying for
it. When you were leaving me I wanted to slam the door shut and lock it to prevent you going. I didn’t. Because I was afraid of what might happen if I just let all that emotion out. I was afraid my world would turn on its axis again and I’d lose it all just when I’d finally got it. I was afraid I’d lose myself again.’
Darcy’s breathing was erratic. ‘What are you saying, Max?’