And gradually she’d clawed her way out of the mire to a place of acceptance, where this was her new reality and she just had to get on with it. And she had been getting on with it, perfectly well, until a Zafir-shaped storm had blown everything up again.
Kat could be honest enough with herself to acknowledge that—as much as the accident and its c
onsequences had made her feel as if her life had shrunk—she’d been living in a kind of limbo, taking one day at a time. The accident had been so catastrophic that she’d been able to block out that last night with Zafir for a long time, but recently it had been creeping back, as if now she was ready to deal with it...
Maybe he was right, whispered a coaxing voice. Maybe you do have unfinished business. Perhaps if you took on the assignment you could lay more than one ghost to rest.
The ghost of the relationship she’d thought she had with Zafir, but which had never really existed...only in her romantic fantasies.
The ghost of the Kat Winters she’d been before—in awe and intimidated by nearly everything and everyone around her in spite of her high-flying career, and by none more so than Sheikh Zafir Ibn Hafiz Al-Noury. The ghost of her mother’s death and the constant feeling of failure Kat had grown up with when she hadn’t been able to save a mother who hadn’t wanted to be saved.
The thought lodged in Kat’s head, and as much as she wanted to dismiss it out of hand she was afraid that she couldn’t go back to fooling herself that Zafir was firmly in her past. She’d been too scared to really look at the repercussions of what had happened between them, but seeing him again this evening had roused more than one dormant part of her.
Not least of which was the reawakening of her sexual awareness. It was terrifying. The prospect of intimacy and what it would mean now was something she’d found easy to bury deep inside her since the accident. If she’d thought about it at all, she’d imagined that it would be with someone gentle, kind...patient.
Zafir was a force of nature—above such benign human virtues. He didn’t have to deal with imperfection. He walked amongst the brightest, the best, the most beautiful. He was one of them.
Panic skittered up Kat’s spine. There was no way she felt ready to trust Zafir on an intimate level again with her new self.
Resolutely shutting her mind to that scenario, she thought again of that fateful night and their fight.
Her conscience pricked when she remembered rushing out of his apartment—had she been too hasty? But once she’d known that he didn’t love her, the last thing she’d wanted to do was try to defend herself to someone who had only ever seen her as some kind of a commodity.
That’s how her mother had seen her—as a means to make money, capitalising on her daughter’s beauty. Zafir had been no different—he’d all but admitted he’d only proposed because she’d fitted into his life on a superficial level and nothing more. It had driven home to Kat how much she hungered to be loved for her whole self.
But she had the sinking feeling that her secret wounds would remain raw until she confronted Zafir properly and forced him to listen to her side of the story behind those lurid headlines.
Not that she wanted anything more than that... The prospect of more made panic surge again even as her blood grew hot.
She would deny that her attraction to him was as strong as ever with every breath in her body—she had no intention of ever letting Zafir see her like this. She looked down at her residual limb and ran a hand over it almost protectively.
Yet even as she entertained the possibility of acquiescing to his demand—purely on a professional basis—she balked at the thought. The prospect of going back into that world and being scrutinised terrified her. And doing it all with Zafir by her side? Scrambling her brain to pieces? Making all the cold parts of her melt again after she’d spent so much time rebuilding her defences?
No way. She couldn’t. She wasn’t strong enough yet.
At that moment Kat caught sight of her reflection in the mirror as she sat on the bed. Her eyes were huge. She looked panicked and pale... Something inside her resisted that. She sat up straight and took in the full reality of who she was now. A damaged woman, yes, and less whole than she’d once been, but actually in many ways more whole than she’d ever been.
She’d always known on some level that she wasn’t prepared to hide away as Kaycee Smith for ever, and Julie had been putting more and more pressure on her to come out of her protective cocoon, to let herself be seen again.
And now Zafir was asking her to take on a modelling assignment. That was all. No, it’s not, whispered a snide voice, and Kat’s heart thumped in response. Zafir had wanted perfection before, and he’d rejected her because she’d fallen from grace. She would never give him a chance to do that to her again.
She thought of the sum of money he’d mentioned and realised with a churning gut that it would allow her to pay Julie back. Her friend had helped support Kat through not only the first six months of her rehabilitation, but since then too, because Kat had only had the most basic of insurance. But also—and maybe more important—she realised that she would be able to help the rehabilitation centre that had been so instrumental in her recovery.
The St Patrick’s Medical Centre for Traumatic Injuries was currently facing the prospect of closure due to lack of funds and resources. Kat would be in a position to give them enough money to avoid imminent closure until they could get back on their feet and raise more funds for their long-term future.
If she accepted Zafir’s job offer.
Her heart sped up with a mixture of terror and illicit excitement—if she said yes, then she could use it as an exercise to prove to herself just how ill-suited she and Zafir had always been, in spite of the insane chemistry between them. Never more evident than now. She was no longer a wide-eyed virgin being initiated into a world that had moved at a terrifying pace—too fast for her to shout, ‘Stop!’ and get off.
She was strong enough to take on Zafir and walk away with her head high.
Are you really, though?
Kat assured herself that, yes, she was.
This would be purely a professional transaction. Zafir would never touch her emotions again—or her body. He was the kind of man who relished the conquest, who relished making a woman acquiesce to him of her own volition, and she had no intention of acquiescing to an affair.
The walls Kat had had to build just to survive since the accident were impenetrable. He wouldn’t break through. She could do this.