Leila smiled and felt a moment of extreme poignancy, imagining that it could be like this—this sense of communion, sneaking out to take a break during functions. She quickly slammed the door on those thoughts. It was heading for dangerous fairy-tale territory again.
She helped herself to a vegetarian vol-au-vent and savoured the flaky pastry and delicate mushroom filling, more hungry than she’d like to admit.
‘You need to eat more.’
She looked at Alix and grimaced. ‘I’m still nauseous sometimes, but the doctor said it should ease off soon.’
Alix stood up then and looked out at the view. Something about his profile seemed so lonely to Leila in that moment—it was as if she might never truly reach him or know him. She found herself wondering if anyone ever had, and didn’t like the sharp spiking of something hot and dark. Jealousy.
She forced her voice to sound light. ‘Have you ever been in love, Alix? I mean with a lover.’
He tensed, and Leila found herself holding her breath.
‘I’ve thought I was in love once before, but it wasn’t love. It was only a very wounded youthful ego.’
Swallowing past the constriction in her throat, Leila asked, ‘Who was she?’
Alix turned around to face her, leaning back against the wall. His expression was hard. ‘I met her in America when I was a student. I thought she only knew me as Alix Cross. I was trying to stay under the radar and I believed that she was attracted to me for myself—not who I was...’
He leaned his hands on the stone wall.
‘She was English. She’d come to America to escape the public scandal of her father gambling all their money away. They were related to royalty. She was looking for a way to get back into Europe and restore her reputation via someone else. Namely me. I was young and naive. Arrogant enough to believe her when she said she loved me. But the truth was that she just used me to get what she wanted. And clearly I wasn’t enough for her, because I walked into her room one day and found one of my undercover bodyguards giving it to her a lot rougher than I ever could or wanted to.’
Leila looked at Alix’s hard expression. She just used me. Her own words that she’d thrown at him came back to her like a slap on the face. I used you. She felt sick.
Then Alix said, ‘I’ve already told you Max was the only person I’ve loved. I was brought up knowing any marriage would be a strategic alliance, all about heirs. I saw no love between my parents. Love was never part of the equation for me.’
That was what he’d said on the phone to Andres that day in Paris.
‘I can promise to honour you and respect you, Leila. You did well this evening, and I have no doubt you’ll make a great queen. And mother of our children. But that will have to be enough, because I can’t offer any more.’
There it was—the brutal truth, sitting between them like a squat ugly troll. Dashing any hopes and dreams Leila might have had.
‘Well,’ she managed to say, as if her heart wasn’t being lacerated in a million different places, ‘at least we know where we stand.’
In a desperate bid to avoid Alix looking at her too closely, seeing the devastation inside her, she stood up too. She thought of what he’d said about being used and her conscience smarted. She really didn’t want to do this, but his honesty compelled her to be honest too.
She went to the wall and mirrored his stance. ‘I owe you an apology.’
‘You do?’
Leila nodded and avoided his eye. ‘That day in Paris...when I told you I’d used you just because I wanted to get rid of my virginity...I lied.’
She turned and looked at him, steeling herself not to crumble.
‘The truth is that I was humiliated and hurt. I lashed out, not wanting you to see that.’
Something like a flash of horror crossed Alix’s face.
Before he could say anything she cut in hurriedly, ‘Don’t worry. I wasn’t falling for you... It was wounded pride. That’s all.’
His expression cleared and Leila felt a monumental ache near her heart to see his visible relief.
‘Look,’ she said, putting a hand over her belly, ‘all I want is to go forward from this moment with honesty and trust between us. At least if we have that we know where we stand, and it might be something we can build on. I won’t deny that this marriage won’t give me all that I need and want emotionally, but I’m doing this for our baby, and I’ll try to make you a good queen.’
Alix looked at Leila and felt flattened by her words when only a moment ago he’d been feeling relief that she hadn’t fallen for him.
This marriage won’t give me all that I need.