Leila stood up, hoping her legs wouldn’t fail her. She needed to move away from the bed—the scene of where she’d lost control so spectacularly. She saw a chair nearby and sank onto the edge.
‘Why didn’t you say something?’
Alix was terse, tense. ‘Because I couldn’t. It was too much all at once.’
Leila felt a very fragile flame of hope light within her. ‘That’s how I felt too. But when I looked at you, you were so closed off—as if you were just checking something off a list. I’m afraid that you won’t love this baby. That it’ll just be a means to an end for you.’
Like this marriage.
Alix looked as if he’d prefer to eat nails than pursue this conversation, but eventually he said, ‘I should tell you about my brother.’
Leila frowned. ‘You told me he was killed—with your parents.’
Alix nodded. ‘Max was handicapped. A lack of oxygen to the brain when he was born prematurely. He wasn’t severely disabled, just enough not to be able to keep up with kids his age. I was five when he was born. He spent a lot of time in hospital at first, in an incubator. My parents weren’t interested, so I spent most of my time with him.’
Leila’s heart lurched. She could imagine Alix as a serious, dark-haired five-year-old, with both his parents God knew where, keeping an eye on his brother.
‘It was obvious to our father that he’d never become King, so he had nothing to do with him after that.’
Leila hid her shock. ‘And your mother?’
His mouth twisted. ‘She barely knew I existed, never mind Max.’
‘He must have loved you very much.’
If anything Alix looked grimmer. ‘He did, the little fool, following me everywhere... But I couldn’t give him what he needed most: our parents’ care and love.’
Leila sensed his reluctance to talk, even though he’d brought it up. But she needed to know this—because if they were to have a life together she couldn’t bear for him to shut their children out.
‘What happened the day he died?’
‘They murdered him...’ Alix moved a hand jerkily. ‘Not just the actual murderers, but my parents. They were the ones who made sure I was protected so the precious line would go on, and they kept Max with them, knowing that he would die, hoping that seeing him would distract the soldiers enough to let me get away. The last thing I remember hearing was Max, screaming for me. He couldn’t understand why I wasn’t coming to get him, to take him with me—and I couldn’t go back...they wouldn’t let me. One of the men taking me away had to knock me out. I came to on a boat, leaving the island behind.’
He looked at Leila.
‘It nearly killed me, knowing that I’d left him behind. I had nightmares for years. Sometimes they still come...’
Leila stood up. ‘Oh, Alix... I’m so sorry.’
She could understand in an instant how something must have broken inside him that day when he’d lost his home and his beloved brother. She was going to walk over to him, but something in his expression stopped her.
Alix was harsh. ‘Don’t give me your pity, Leila, that’s the last thing I want or deserve. I’ve told you this because you need to know that I wasn’t unaffected today. But I won’t lie to you. I have always envisaged myself keeping an emotional distance from my Queen and any children. My role as King is a job, and as such I need to avoid distraction. Focus on what’s best for the country and the future. But when I saw the scan today it all came back—the love I felt for Max and the awful grief when he died.’
Alix shook his head.
‘It terrifies me that I’ll be unable to control how I feel about my own child in case anything happens. I couldn’t survive that grief again.’
A gaping hollow seemed to open up in Leila’s chest. What could she say? Wasn’t every parent terrified of their child being hurt or worse? Terrified that they wouldn’t be able to protect it from every little thing? What Alix didn’t understand yet, and what she only had an inkling of herself, was that he wouldn’t be able to control it.
He walked over to her then, and Leila tried desperately to call up some sense of defence. She felt raw with this knowledge, not sure what it meant now.
‘I want you, Leila, and I want our baby. I will do my best to serve you both well—and any other children we may have.’
Leila went still. Nothing had changed. Not really. Even though he’d opened up to her his main concern was the baby. Not her. And she should be feeling relieved that he’d admitted he wanted this baby as much for itself as for its role as heir. That he would not shut it out.
Alix reached a hand out then, but Leila stepped back jerkily. If he touched her now she’d break into a million pieces.
She forced herself to sound far more calm than she felt. ‘I’m quite tired now. I’d like to go back to my rooms, please.’