I stood still, eyes to the floor, waiting for him to address me.
“You straightened your hair,” he said finally.
I jolted. He’d told me at the resort that he preferred I didn’t but maybe I did it in an effort to behave myself. My hair was almost always straight at Kruna unless I was playing the naughty role. I pushed that thought away, avoiding the urge to analyze it, to think about anyone from there.
“Wanna go shopping?” he asked.
I was startled. That was not what I’d been expecting.
I lifted my chin and looked at him and nodded.
“Then let’s go,” he said softly and went to the table by the door where his keys and phone were.
“Can I have two minutes?” I asked.
He jerked his chin up in a ‘yes’.
I hurried to the bathroom and put on some more mascara and lip gloss and then put a few things into one of the purses that had been packed for me, put on a pair of ballerina flats, and found him by the door. He was in jeans and a t-shirt, a leather jacket and sneakers and was standing by the door twirling keys on his index finger.
“You don’t have a coat?”
I shook my head.
He reached into a closet by the front door and handed me a black fleece-lined hoodie. It was too big for me but I put it on. It smelled like him. Smelled so good.
“Let’s go get you one.”
I’d been expecting him to come in and tell me that last night was a mistake and that it wouldn’t happen again. Then he’d be distant with me. After all, he was drunk and he didn’t mean to take advantage of me. He didn’t take advantage of me but I was waiting for him to act like he did. Right now I didn’t know what to make of his demeanor. He was pissed off, as per usual, he’d left this morning without hardly looking at me, but now he was taking me shopping to buy clothes.
The elevator took us to the underground and he opened the passenger door to his SUV for me. When we pulled out of the garage onto the street I was struck by how odd it was to be in a moving vehicle again. I felt woozy.
He turned the radio on to some classic rock and I just stared out the window watching cars and people go by, living life, living normal everyday lives. We pulled into an enormous mall parking lot and I took the hoodie off and left it in the car, figuring I’d be inside and warm enough in a minute.
As I got out he came around to my side and reached for my hand. Yes, he still looked pissed but he was holding my hand as we walked inside. My heart was in my throat at that.
“What first?” he asked as we got into the enormous mall. It looked like it had a lot of upscale shops. He stopped in front of the mall directory and map.
“Ummm…” It felt like I was on another planet. I had spent half my life as a teenager in shopping malls. But after all this time, it was so strange, so foreign. So… normal.
This was a normal I had once prayed for but had long since given up on the notion of returning to my life. This was people, normal and free people around me exerting their free will and they were going about their day: teenaged girls laughing and walking while thumbing away on smartphones, women pushing strollers with babies in them, old people congregated around benches, couples holding hands. I looked down at our hands with our fingers woven together and my heart lifted like a kite being pulled up by a gust of wind.
“Comfortable clothes?” He motioned toward a yoga store on the listing with his free hand. I nodded enthusiastically.
He motioned toward the shop, which was not far ahead of us, let go of me, which meant a small pain in my chest, that I thankfully was able to push back, and then he opened his wallet, handed me a credit card, and then leaned over and whispered in my ear, making me tingle, “Go nuts. Pin 3825.”
He sat on a bench and pulled his smartphone out of his pocket and started thumbing at the screen. I think I must’ve looked like a zombie for a second because he looked up and smiled and then jerked his chin toward the store.
I hesitantly went into the store, pushing back the urge to throw myself at his feet and hang onto his ankle. I took slow breath after slow breath to hold it together. The sales girl totally put me at ease. After buying a few pairs of capri length and full length yoga pants, t-shirts, tank tops, and hoodies, I went to him and he took my bags and led me to a coat store where I bought two coats while he waited on a nearby bench with my bags. I’d bought a fall one and then a winter one as it would be snowing in the not too distant future. I was kind of looking forward to seeing snow again so I could wear the gorgeous coat. After 7 years of living in Alaska, a place I’d never wanted to go, I never thought I’d say that I looked forward to snow ever again.
I didn’t want to take advantage but I didn’t want to insult him either by declining his kindness and it was fun. At first I had trouble deciding what I wanted and all the people around me was a little dizzying but salespeople were more than happy to make recommendations.
I got two pairs of jeans. I bought a pair of sneakers. And then he let me loose into a higher-end department store and I bought new underwear, some toiletries (like bubble bath), thick fluffy socks, and I bought three pairs of ladies’ winter pjs and a bathrobe. I bought 2 pairs of long pjs and one pair of super soft fleece pink and purple striped shorts with a matching hoodie.
“Anything else you want?” he asked as I emerged from the department store. He was seated on a bench with my shopping bags around his feet. He had a cup of Starbucks in his right hand and he held another Starbucks cup on his knee with his left hand. He passed it to me. My heart warmed.
“Thank you. I can’t remember the last time I had one of these.” Actually, no. I could remember. Suddenly I could remember it as clear as day, so c
learly I could smell the November Juneau air. It was on my way to the airport the day I’d left from Juneau airport to leave for Bangkok. Chills ran up my spine. I sipped it. It tasted amazing. It was milky and sweet and it tasted like happiness in a cup.