I knew it would take time. I just wish I knew how to ease his pain or at least take it away for a little while.
I woke up this morning to sweet lovemaking and gentle kisses from him, his eyes filled with love. He made slow, sweet love to me, reverently worshipping my body. He was sorry for his moods. I knew it. I caressed his face and kissed him softly afterwards, then traced the ink on his chest and arm with my fingertip, enjoying a quiet moment together where he looked stress-free.
But, a few hours later, I saw him again wearing all that tension on his face. I felt it.
I’ve decided to try to do something that might help a little, even if it might be considered an unhealthy coping mechanism.
Break one of his rules. Just a little nudge. Not enough to fully engage the beast in him; just enough to show him I wanted the beast off the leash a little bit.
If I broke a rule, he’d have an opportunity to take out some frustration on my body. It might help.
And it wasn’t entirely altruistic, either, because I got my release, too. And I needed it. Being with him, being affected by his dominatin
g energy … I needed it unleashed on me. I needed to feel release from all the tension.
Feeling his release had become braided with something of mine, something I got specifically when he got his. The build-up as he was about to blow affected us both. Adrenaline would pump. Anticipation would build. And then the absolute rush, that freeing sensation of letting go…
The freeing sensation was something I craved now.
These days, my shoulders were often bunched up. My stomach was constantly in knots. And it was creating a ripple effect, because I could see it annoyed him to see me like that. He was already feeling bad, feeling tense, and my reaction to it was ratcheting it up notch by notch.
Our relationship had become a vicious cycle of stress for us both and I wanted, badly, to fix it.
***
He was reading a newspaper on the patio and I was lounging on an inflatable flamingo in the ocean-fed pool. (An ocean-fed pool that faced a beach, which meant I was in a pool staring at the ocean. Crazy.)
“So, what about that feeding the iguanas thing?” I tried, swishing my hands through the water, watching it ripple.
No answer.
I looked up from the pool water to him, feeling my face get hot as I took in his expression.
Tommy didn’t look up from the paper, but his jaw flexed, so I knew he was irritated. This was my fourth question to him. He was obviously trying to make a point that he was reading the paper. I was trying to make my point that he should pay attention to me.
“Tommy?”
“Not interested,” he muttered.
“What about a tour? I saw a flyer about this park with caves, and---”
“How ‘bout we chill here today?” he replied. “Have only been here about sixteen hours. Can we relax for a fuckin’ minute?”
I swallowed and chewed my cheek.
He flexed his jaw again and his eyes went back to the paper.
He must’ve felt my eyes on him because his irritatingly went back up and met mine.
“I’m excited to be here. I’m excited to do stuff,” I defended with a shrug, trying to smile, to lighten the mood.
We’d been here since just after dinner last night and though we’d had sex three times, we hadn’t left our villa and it was the afternoon. I wanted to explore.
“Gotta check in with home,” he told me, looking more irritated.
“Oh,” I whispered.
“We’ll go out for dinner tonight,” he added, thrusting a hand through his hair.