I nodded. “I was never sure if I was in love before. But now I realize when you are, you damn well know it.”
“Do you remember in eighth grade when you got in trouble for cutting some advanced math class they had you in, and the guidance counselor told you to just drop the class because you wouldn’t be able to handle the work anyway?”
“Mr. Schultz. Guy had the worst breath.”
“Did you drop the class?”
“No, I got a hundred on every test.”
“And what did you do with those tests when you got them back?”
“I slid every single one of them under Schultz’s door. I wouldn’t be able to handle the work, my ass.”
“And when you were disappointed that you only beat ninety-nine-point-five percent of all people taking that test you had to take to get into law school, and I suggested maybe you should apply to some other law schools besides Harvard, just to be safe?”
I shrugged. “I retook the LSAT and got a perfect score. Then I got into Harvard.”
“Are you sensing a pattern here, son?”
“That I don’t listen?”
Bud grinned. “Well, yeah. That’s definitely true. But that isn’t my point this time. You don’t give up when you want something. All your life, you’ve encountered obstacles, and you’ve found a way around them all.”
“Okay…”
Bud shook his head. “Jesus, sometimes you can be such a knucklehead. You’re in love with this girl. You made a mistake. Don’t let the mistake make you. Fix it. Find a way around it. Don’t sit on your ass and hope it will work itself out.”
***
The entire way back to Manhattan, I kept thinking about what Bud had said. There was a difference between giving Autumn space and sitting on the sidelines. I’d screwed up, and I needed to own it, but I also needed to make sure she knew I wasn’t going anywhere, and the way to do that was sure as hell not over text and voicemail. So when I got off the bridge, I turned downtown toward her place instead of uptown toward mine.
By the time I found a parking spot, it was close to nine. I still had no idea if I was doing the right thing, but how much worse could I make it at this point? So I took a deep breath, walked to the door, and hit the buzzer for her apartment.
I knew she had an app where she could see and hear who was at the door before allowing them entrance, so as I stood there and waited to hear the sound of the door lock clanking open, I looked up at the corner and stared at the camera.
Come on, Red. Buzz me in.
A minute passed, and my chest started to feel heavy. She could be sleeping or maybe even out, but she could also be pretending she wasn’t home to avoid me. Since I’d come this far, I buzzed a second time, and I looked up at the camera.
“Autumn, I just want to talk. Will you let me up? Or come down if you don’t want me inside. I won’t stay long, I promise. I just need to say a few things and I’ll get out of your hair.”
Again I waited. The minutes that ticked by were grueling. At first, I’d decided I’d wait five minutes since I’d asked her to come down, and she might have to wait for the elevator or something. But after five minutes passed, I justified why that might not be long enough.
Maybe she was sleeping and had to get dressed?
Or she needed to go to the bathroom and then get dressed?
Ten.
I’ll wait ten minutes. Five was too hasty.
But after six-hundred seconds, I still wasn’t ready to give up.
Her elevator is pretty damn slow.
Better make it fifteen.
Yeah, fifteen.
Fifteen turned into twenty, and twenty turned into a half hour. It felt like I had a knot in my throat as I turned to leave. I made it a few steps, then stopped and turned around.
Fuck it. If this was the only way she would listen to me, I needed to take the opportunity. So I hit the buzzer once more and looked up at the camera.
“Autumn, I know you’ve read my apologies. And I’m sorry for what I did. But I don’t know how long this thing records, so I’m going to dive into the things that I haven’t said.” I raked a hand through my hair, trying to come up with a way to express how I felt. “Ever since I was a kid, I’ve wanted more than I had—more money, more respect, more clothes, more recognition, more family, just more. Until you walked into my life. Now none of those things seem important. I don’t need more money, more recognition, more anything. All I need is you. Looking back, a year ago I thought I knew everything, but the truth is, I had no idea what love was. But I finally figured it out. Love is…enough. None of the other things are important when you find the right person. You’re in my heart, Autumn—hell, you own my heart. Please don’t forget that.” Tears welled in my eyes, and I suddenly felt really damn exhausted. I looked up at the camera one last time. “I hope you’re okay.”