Five years ago, my life was on a different path. I had just decided to make a huge change and follow Brit halfway across the country. I’d already sent the letters and had my residency transferred, and we had already found a place to live. I was too scared to say, ‘I change my mind,’ too fearful of what would happen with my residency, too worried about what my parents would think, and too afraid to break Brit's heart. Therefore, I made a split-second decision that I have regretted for years. I would give anything—hell, I’d give everything—to be able to go back and do things over.
I've learned a lot over the past five years, the most important of which is that sometimes I have to put me first. I have to fight for what I want and, truth be told, five years ago I wanted Harley.
Her fingers lightly graze my knuckles, catching my attention, and my head snaps up to meet her curious face. "Penny for your thoughts?" she says quietly. Her eyes are wide like she's scared to actually hear my answer. I don't respond right away and she lowers her head to take a bite of her sandwich. I can feel the tension growing between us and I can't let that happen.
I slouch back in my seat and watch her, waiting for her to look at me again. She must notice that I'm staring at her because she lifts her head. I open my mouth to speak, but she beats me to the punch. "I missed you," she blurts and all of the tension instantly drains from my shoulders. Good Lord, I really needed to hear that.
I smile tenderly. Any other woman would have probably been horrified at blurting out such an honest statement, but not Harley. She stares at me openly, patiently waiting for me to reply. "I was thinking about how I would do things differently with you if I could rewind time," I say, itching to divulge so much more. I need her to know that I made the biggest mistake of my life and I have no intention of ever letting go of her again, but I know I need to do this slowly. I want to do this right.
Her eyes soften and appear wistful. Reaching out, she grips the top of my hand. "We have a lot to talk about. So much has happened since you left, and I really do want to tell you all about it—" Lowering her head, she takes a deep breath. When she looks at me again, her eyes are glistening with tears. "And I will, but not here. I also want to hear all about everything you've done and experienced, but right now...right now I just want this. I want to get reacquainted with the friend that I lost."
I don't miss the fact that she said ‘friend,’ which is understandable because that's what we are. That's all I’ve ever allowed us to be, but come hell or high water, that's going to change.
I scoot forward in my seat, not breaking eye contact. "Harley, I—"
My words are cut off when someone plops down in a chair next to me. Turning my head, I find Laura, one of the nurses in the ER. "Hey, Harley!" she says with a smile. "Dr. Grawe." She nods at me and then turns her gaze back to Harley. "Do you guys mind if I join you?"
Yes, we mind. Find another table.
"Sure," Harley says sweetly. "How are you? Busy day?"
"So-so," Laura shrugs. "How's Max doing?"
Who the fuck is Max? I watch Harley intently. Her face takes on a dreamy appearance and she tilts her head, giving Laura an easy smile. "He's great...really great. Thanks for asking."
Again, who the fuck is Max? And what's so great about him?
Harley looks up and when our eyes meet, she straightens her back. I watch her appearance go from laidback and happy to nervous and uncomfortable. Whoever Max is, she doesn't want to talk about him. Her eyes flit nervously between Laura and me. What's that about?
Laura swallows her food and wipes her mouth. "I need to come by and spend time with you guys. I haven't seen him in forever. I’ll bet he is even more handsome than the last time I saw him."
"Yup,” Harley replies tersely, as she reaches up and wraps a strand of hair around her finger. "He's handsome."
I can't believe I didn't consider this. Of course she's found someone else. Crap. She might even have kids. My eyes snap to her left hand. No ring. Maybe they're just dating. I can feel my happiness from earlier start to dissipate, and I have the sudden urge to get up and leave before I expose my disappointment. I did not prepare myself for this at all. Goddamn, I'm a stupid fucker.
My chair screeches as I move to stand and Harley quickly does the same, her face filled with worry and something else I can't quite explain. Fear...that's it, she looks kind of afraid. I don't know what she'd be scared about; I'm the one who walked away from her. I can't fault her for moving on with her life.
The weight of that thought slams into my chest and I grip my shirt tightly, trying to stay calm. I divert my eyes and begin picking up our trash and putting it on my tray. I need to get out of here. I need to finish my shift and hightail it home so I can process this. Not that anything has really changed. I still want to rebuild my friendship with Harley, but now I have to make my heart understand that it will never be anything more than friendship.
"Don't leave,” she says, her eyes pleading. Reaching out, she grabs the tray. "We still have..." She looks down at her watch and then back at me. "Twenty minutes."
Laura furrows her brow and glances between Harley and me. Then her face morphs into a look of understanding.
"I should go." Laura shoves the last bite of her lunch into her mouth and takes a drink of water. "I didn't mean to interrupt you guys."
"No. You didn't interrupt anything. Just two old friends having lunch. No big deal," I say awkwardly. "I've gotta get back anyway. Here, I'll take your trays." Reaching down, I grab Harley's tray and then Laura's. I can't help but notice the grin on Laura's face, which catches me slightly off-guard. What the fuck is she smiling about? Here I am, trying to keep my emotions in check and she's smiling.
"Thanks for lunch," I mumble, walking away without a second glance. I am a fucking dick. I couldn't even look at her when I walked away. I know she doesn't understand what my problem is, and I know that I'll have to explain it to her at some point, but right now I have to process this.
This is a really hard pill for me to swallow. I may have walked away from Harley five years ago, but I never really left her. My head and my heart have been with her since that horrible night. There hasn’t been a birthday, holiday, or hell, any day that’s gone by that I haven’t thought about her and wondered what she’s doing.
When I came home, I really thought that Levi and Harley still had a thing. But after Levi telling me that wasn't the case, I allowed myself to wander into 'what if' territory. For the first time in five years, I felt my heart come alive at the prospect of making her mine. I was nothing short of excited
about the opportunity to reclaim the girl I fell in love with so many years ago.
What I hadn't anticipated was Max. I don't even know him and I already hate him. I hate him because he has what I want. I hope to God he knows what he's got in a woman like Harley and doesn't hurt her the way I did.
No wonder she kept friend-zoning me. Hell, that's probably what she was talking about when she said that there were things she needed to tell me.