For the first time in my life, I realize I have something to lose. And even though I’ve been through a lot of shit in my life, I’ve never been more terrified than I am now.
21
Whitney
I press the call button for the front door of Healing Homes. The buzzer sounds before the door is unlocked to let me in.
“Whitney.” Taylor gives me a warm smile as I enter the front office. “I didn’t know you were coming by tonight.” It’s an odd thing for her to say. Faith and I often come and go randomly. Especially with all the work we’ve been doing here recently.
“Thought I would come and organize some of the winter stuff.” I’ve already organized it but what does it hurt to double check everything? Okay, maybe it’s more to keep me busy so I don’t think about other things. And by that I mean Knox.
I’d broken and told Faith I’d left school to come here. I made her promise not to tell Knox. She actually didn’t press me for any details. She only reassured me that she has my back with a little devil face. She is more than willing to be petty with me about the whole Jamie thing, and Knox up and leaving me without an explanation.
“I should warn you.” Taylor comes out from behind the front desk. “Your mom is here.”
“Is she okay?” I ask.
“She will be.” She reaches out and grabs my hand, giving it a squeeze. “It seems your stepfather overdosed a few hours ago.”
I stand there in shock, not sure how to process that information. Did I think he was a piece of shit? Yes. Did I think he should die? Honestly, I have no idea. Nor do I want to dive into that line of thinking. I never want to wish bad on anyone.
“Can I see her?” As mad as I am at my mom, she’s still my mother at the end of the day. It’s so weird to both love and hate someone. But that’s what happens when your mom constantly chooses a man over you.
“Of course.” Taylor opens the security door before leading me inside. She stops in front of one of the many rooms. The door is cracked. I expect to hear sobbing or something, but it’s completely quiet. “I’ll be close by.”
“Thank you.” I watch Taylor depart, not sure what I’m even going to say to my mom. I take a breath before pushing the door open farther. It creaks, drawing her attention to me. She’s sitting in the center of one of the beds, her legs folded under her. She’s skin and bones. I hate that she’s stuck in this life. But I’ve learned that you can’t help someone unless they’re willing to put in the work and change. I always hold out hope that one of these times she’ll finally be ready.
“Whitney.” Her eyes widen. She blinks a few times like she’s checking to see if her eyes are playing games with her. Or if she’s imagining me.
“Hey, Mom.” I shut the door behind me, walking over to the bed and sitting down.
“You always look so beautiful.” She lifts her hand to tuck a piece of hair behind my ear. Her hand shakes the whole way. She used to be beautiful herself. The lifestyle she leads has aged her beyond her years.
“How are you holding up? I heard about Greg.” She drops her eyes from mine.
“I need help.”
“You do,” I agree.
“How could I have thought I loved him but then when he dies, I have this sense of relief?” Her words surprise me.
“I don’t think you can fully understand anything in your state.”
She nods in agreement. “Kennedy has set me up with a rehab healing center. They are taking me in a few hours to the airport to go.”
“That's great, Mom.” This is the first time she’s ever actually sought help. Normally she says she’ll do better on her own then always falls apart. “I think you have a lot of demons you need to deal with. Ones that have been around long before I was even here.”
“I should be the one giving you advice. I’m sorry, honey. I know I’ve failed you.” She can’t meet my eyes. I put my hand on her leg. The last thing she needs is to feel guilty about not being a good mom to me.
“Don’t worry about any of that now. You need to focus on yourself. That’s what you can do for me.” She wipes the wetness on her cheeks.
“I do love you.”
“I know.” I want her to get help. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to fully let her back into my life, but I’m also not going to rip her apart. She does that enough to herself.
“And I’ll always love you too.”