I imagine once he doesn't need me anymore, the feelings will fade. I'll go back to my usual cheerfully asexual state, waiting for another crush to hit me.
Or resonance.
Oh wow, I didn't even think about resonance. I blanch at the thought. I wonder if I haven't resonated because I've been more attracted to the women here than the men up until I met Juth? It's just…I'm sure they're all very nice men. R'jaal doesn't attract me, Sessah's too young. I'rec is far too abrasive for someone like me, and O'jek avoids me…and actually, most of the tribe. I think he's just a solitary, private sort, which doesn't do well with my need to be in everyone's business. I get along with all the women, and I guess if we don't resonate, maybe someone will decide to take a pleasure mate.
Which is kind of funny, actually. Both the sa-khui and the islanders were fine with pleasure mates once upon a time. Now, though, if a woman so much as looks in their direction, they assume it's their mate and she's their property. It happened with Bridget and A'tam, and it was such a mess that it's scared the rest of us into enforced celibacy.
I wouldn't mind getting to know someone. I wouldn't mind a lover and a relationship. Lord knows it can get lonely here sometimes. But no one here has quite hit all my buttons since I crushed on Flor, and knowing that she was straight pretty much killed that crush.
I do like Juth's smile, though. I wouldn't mind seeing more of it.
I carry the basket to the decorated rock and sit down next to it. I don't think they'll avoid doing a pick-up if I'm here. I think we're past that. I hope we're past that. I want to see them. I want to see their faces when they see the food I brought, but more than that, I want to try and talk to Juth again. I want to see if he and Pak will really talk to me if we become friends. Maybe, maybe I can eventually talk them into coming to sit with the tribe for a while. It doesn't have to be a long time. I just want them to realize that we are their friends. That we're all in this together and old designations like “Outcast” no longer apply.
I'm getting ahead of myself, though. One thing at a time.
9
JUTH
It is far too still the next morning.
It bothers me. More than my empty belly, more than the empty waters or Pak's whining about walking the shore to look for food, something about this day feels…off. Wrong.
I do not like it.
I watch the waters, looking for hints of a problem, but the waves roll in as slowly and regularly as they always do.
Other than the red shrimps that cover the sands, everything looks the same as it always does. Perhaps I am worrying too much. I tell myself that it is because of my father's stories, and the fact that we are hungry. Still, my senses prickle and remain on alert.
"Papa," Pak says in a small voice. He tugs on my hand to get my attention. "Look down by the rock. The female is there."
I am not surprised. I have directed Pak down this end of the shore, knowing that we would head toward the rock with the basket. I hoped that the female would be there. Steff. Last night when I lay on my back in the sands and stared up at the stars, I thought about her and how she felt pressed against me. I ran a hand along my cock, touching myself as I thought about her soft hand pressed to my chest, but when Pak rolled over in his sleep and mumbled, I stopped. I cannot jerk my cock with my son right next to me.
So I went to the cliffs a short distance away, pretending to relieve my bladder, and jerked it there.
It is not a moment I am proud of. I should be able to control myself better. Just thinking about a female should not distract me so. It is not as if I have ever expected to have a mate. A female and pleasure in mating are both things that feel as if they are reserved for the other clans, just like everything else. I have my son, and that is enough.
It should be enough. It has always been enough until now.
Until she smiled at me.
I think about that smile as I head toward the rock. She is there again this morning, and I pretend I am not excited to see her. I wonder if I will get another lungful of her scent or if she will remain too far away. I wonder if she will touch my chest again. I wonder…