Ring, ring… Ring, ring… Ring, ring…
I grab my cell phone out, expecting it to be work calling, but it isn’t. It’s a different number, one that I haven’t heard from in a very long time and one that I honestly didn’t think I would hear from again. The sight of it makes my stomach sink, like I have a heavy weight laying in there. It’s ominous, almost a warning that I shouldn’t be doing any of the things that I am. Maybe this is the universe guiding me away from Tia rather than towards her.
Ring, ring… Ring, ring… Ring, ring…
I freeze, stopping where I am on the side walk just staring at the screen, my insides churning. The cool façade I normally wear naturally around my shoulders melts away leaving me with nothing. I’m a shell, a scared young boy with no comfort blanket, someone who doesn’t know what his place is in the world.
Ring, ring… Ring, ring… R…
But then it cuts off. The call ends long before it can go to voice mail which means I won’t even be getting a message. It cannot be important so I don’t even need to worry about it anymore. It’s done. Not a sign from the universe any longer. More just a blip, a little reminder than nothing will be straight forward.
I didn’t need that reminder. I already knew that anyway.
I duck my head down and I continue to walk. I stuff my phone away and try to shut the worry down. It doesn’t matter. I have lived the last few years knowing that it doesn’t matter so one little phone call shouldn’t change that. I have other things to worry about anyway and I will be there soon.
As the road becomes more familiar, my heart leaps up into my throat. I can just feel Tia around, I can sense her presence and it makes me feel good. It makes me realize how deflated I have been the last few weeks. Without Tia, I have become flat, life has been a bit meaningless. As crazy as it is, that’s the truth and I don’t want to go back to that place. Even if it means I need to be some kind of honest.
This will be terrifying, I remind myself. But I can do it. I think…
I reach Tia’s house and make my way to the front door quickly before I can talk myself out of it. I know that I’m on the edge and I could easily tip either way if I allow myself. With a shaky hand I knock on the front door and I wait. And wait. And wait. In the end I knock again just to be sure but she really isn’t coming to the door. Either she’s completely ignoring me, or she isn’t in. I would like to think it’s the latter.
I pull out my cell phone once more and wish that I had her number so I could just call her and find out the truth. Our relationship to this point has been so weird. She has been into my house, but wouldn’t let me in hers. I chased her, she chased me, but we still don’t have each other’s numbers. It isn’t normal. It hasn’t ever been normal, and that hasn’t changed one bit. I guess it might never be normal.
What do I do now? I pat my phone against my hand. Should I leave?
Before I can make my decision, my cell phone blasts out again. I leap almost into the air, half expecting it to be Tia which is ridiculous since she doesn’t have my number either. It’s the same number as before. The one that I really don’t want to answer. My eyes widen and I stare at the screen frozen. I can’t seem to make a decision either way what to do. There are too many choices to make all at once.
Ring, ring…
My hand shakes, my heart races. I want to throw my phone violently until it smashes in to a million pieces, ending the problem for me. I can’t exactly pick up if the phone is broken, can I?
Ring, ring…
I need to just pick up. This could be something serious. I might actually need to take this call. This wouldn’t be coming through quite so persistently if nothing had happened. It never does.
Ring, ring…
I guess I’m just terrified to find out what the hell might be happening. The only reason my secrets would be dragged into my real life is because it’s all imploded. Fuck, that’s bad. If it’s all imploded, then everything will be taken down with it. There won’t be an escape. Life will never be the same again.
I need to get away from here. Tia doesn’t need to be dragged into this. I shouldn’t be here; I need to run away before all of this shatters. That’s the moment I’ll pick up the phone and see what this is about.