“No.” This was why I hadn’t told him how close we’d be coming to my hometown. I’d known I’d get both pity and advice I didn’t need. “She follows Dad’s lead. Always has. Gets panic attacks when they fight, especially when he yells.”
“And he yells a lot.” Alden’s voice was quiet, but it wasn’t a question.
“Yeah. He does. He’s not… I don’t think he means it. Like, he isn’t violent.” I didn’t mention the occasional smashed dish. Don’t tell, Conrad. He doesn’t mean it. It was only a bad day. I’ll clean it up. My mom’s pleas rang in my ears as even now I was still making excuses for him.
“Still doesn’t make it okay.” Alden sounded ready to go to battle with my dad, voice taking on that same tone he used right before waxing an opponent.
“It’s okay,” I lied. The darkness outside seemed to stretch to infinity, the occasional glow of headlights not enough to counter the overall mood of desolation. “I probably deserved some of it. And he’s never going to forgive me, so there’s no point in trying to contact Mom or the girls. It’ll just make trouble for them.”
“Forgive you for being gay? What the heck? That’s profoundly unfair.” His indignation would have been cute if I hadn’t been so down, trapped in my own feelings. For once, I was glad we were in the slow lane, plodding along behind a row of semis. Zooming past all these memories would be almost worse.
“No. Not for being gay. Or at least not entirely that.” I groaned, knowing the whole story was about to tumble out—the real one, the one that not even the professors had heard all of. “There was this guy…”
“He wanted you to come out?” Alden prodded when I trailed off, unable to find the words after all.
“No. Yes. I don’t know.” I groaned. “I mean I already was out on campus. You know that. Hell, you probably know this kid too. Angelo. Short, Italian guy from Chicago?”
“He’s not unfamiliar to me. Big mouth. Followed you around. Always wanted to break the campus rules about alcohol at sponsored parties.”
“Yup. That’s the one. Anyway, we hooked up a few times. Nothing serious.” Guilt churned in my gut. Alden wasn’t wrong about Angelo following me around. I’d kinda known he was more into me than I was him, but I’d liked his attention, hadn’t thought there was any harm in encouraging it. Even before him, I hadn’t wanted a relationship, having had too much of my parents’ messed-up marriage to believe in love. But I had liked attention, liked playing the field, and liked running my damn mouth. “But we talked enough that he knew about this other guy. One from my high school who I used to hook up with on the sly.”
“Another horror-movie fan?”
“Something like that.” I laughed, but it was tempered by the knowledge that I probably shouldn’t have told Angelo about Dan, shouldn’t have teased him, shouldn’t have liked how his jealousy had made me feel. “Anyway, Dan went off to Nebraska after graduation, and I went to Gracehaven, so no hard feelings. We stayed friendly.”
“That’s good.” Alden’s voice was cautious, but encouraging, as if he really did want to hear this whole stupid story.
“It wasn’t bad.” Or at least it wouldn’t have been, had I been able to keep my stupid mouth shut. “But anyway, I came back early to campus last summer. Angelo and I got drunk one night, and we were…uh…fooling around with my camera phone. If you know what I mean?”
“I can guess. Go on.”
“Anyway, I eventually went to sleep, but Angelo stayed up. And I still don’t entirely understand why, but he thought he’d text Dan with my phone. Send him some of the pictures we took. Sort of a…taunt, I guess.”
“That’s a terrible way to tease someone.” Alden had all the righteousness of someone who’d never fucked up before, the sort of guy who never let emotions get the better of him, but the disapproval he had for Angelo was also gratifying. “Even if he thought it would make your friend jealous, that’s just wrong. And an invasion of privacy.”
“Agreed. But Angelo has impulse issues.” Even now I still made excuses, much as I did for my dad, but with Angelo it was tempered by the knowledge that I played a role here, had encouraged him too much. “Anyway, he was probably still buzzed, and instead of Dan, he texted the entry above it, the one for Dad, but it wasn’t just Dad—it was a group text with a bunch of relatives. So they all got the pictures. And I woke up to my phone blowing up. Dad was livid. And the rest…” I sighed, eyes squeezing shut. “Guess I deserved it. Encouraging his crush. Egging on his jealousy over Dan. Getting drunk. Taking pictures I knew I probably shouldn’t.”