Long remembered anguish was etched in the landscape of his face. ‘I thought I’d killed her at first. But then she started screaming.’ He took another deep breath and released it in a staggered stream. ‘She was in an induced coma for a month and spent a year in hospital and another six months in rehab. I’ve lost count of the number of surgeries she’s had. The most recent one was the week before Draco’s wedding, in an effort to get her walking again, but so far it’s failed.’
‘And all this time you’ve been blaming yourself,’ Emily said, seeing it written not just on his face but also in the way he held his body. Was that why he avoided commitment? Why he had avoided marriage and kids of his own—because of the guilt he carried over that terrible day?
The look he gave her was grimly resigned and he removed her hand from his arm. ‘Wouldn’t you blame yourself?’
She ran her tongue over her carpet-dry lips. Of course she would if she had been in the same situation. Who wouldn’t? No decent person wanted to hurt another person and see them suffer and struggle for years and years with the physical damage. The guilt would gnaw away at even the toughest, most resilient personality. ‘Yes, but it was an accident. You didn’t mean to hit her. Little kids are accident magnets. They run in and out of danger all the time. It could’ve happened to anyone coming along that road at that moment. And maybe, if someone else had been coming faster than you, then she wouldn’t have survived at all.’
His gaze was ghosted with bone-deep sadness. ‘If I had been even five seconds earlier or later she wouldn’t have been hit at all.’
Emily reached out to comfort him. ‘You have to stop blaming yourself, Loukas. It happened and she survived—that’s the main thing.’
He eased away as if her touch made him uncomfortable. Or maybe it was because he wasn’t used to talking about the accident. Emily was sure Allegra knew nothing about it, which meant Draco probably didn’t either. Why hadn’t Loukas told his best friend about the most tragic event of his life? Or was his guilt too burdensome to share? His aloofness had struck her from the first moment she’d met him at the wedding. But now she understood why he kept himself separate from other people. An invisible wall of guilt locked him in his own private prison.
‘My mother’s marriage broke up the year after the accident,’ he said after a moment.
Emily frowned. ‘But surely you’re not blaming yourself for that too?’
‘They were fine until the accident. Her husband Frank couldn’t forgive me for what I’d done, and my mother couldn’t forgive him for saying it to my face at every opportunity he could.’
‘But lots of marriages break up when there’s a sick or disabled child involved,’ she said. ‘It strains the steadiest of relationships. You shouldn’t have been blamed for it. Your mother was right in standing up for you. I would’ve done the same in a heartbeat.’
He dragged a hand down his face as if to wipe away the memory of that time. ‘My mother has been through two bitter divorces because of me. Firstly with my father and then with Frank.’
‘Is that why you’ve always avoided marriage?’ Emily asked. ‘Because you think you’ll somehow jinx it?’
‘I hurt people without even trying,’ he said. ‘I’ve been doing it all my life.’
She put her hand back on his arm, firmer this time, so he couldn’t so easily shrug her off. ‘You haven’t hurt me, Loukas. The pregnancy was an accident. You’re doing all you can to support the baby and me. That’s not the behaviour of man who intentionally wants to hurt people. That’s the behaviour of a man who’s mature and stable enough to face even the toughest of responsibilities.’
His expression had gone back to its default setting of inscrutable mask. ‘Since you’ve asked Ariana to be your bridesmaid, I take it you’ve finally come to terms with our marriage going ahead?’
A part of Emily wished she hadn’t been quite so impulsive in offering his sister the role of bridesmaid. It was like passing a point of no return. She hadn’t realised he would use it as a way to bend her to his will if she’d had second thoughts. But the streak of ruthlessness in his personality was a reminder of the lengths he would go to achieve a goal. He wanted to be an involved father to their child. He wanted to provide for and protect it, as any decent dad worthy of the title would want to do. But why shouldn’t she give him this chance to move on from his tragic past, to help him heal, by sharing the parenting of their accidental baby for as long as they stayed together?
Besides that, she cared about him. The more she learned about him, the more she cared. He was a complex man with hidden depths she wanted to explore. Hadn’t she sensed that the first time she’d met him? Why else had she spent that crazily out-of-character night with him? Something about him had spoken to her on a level no one else had ever reached before. ‘I know you don’t want a big wedding, but I could see how much she’d love to be involved. I really like your mum and your sister. But you seem so stilted with them, even though they don’t seem to blame you for the accident.’
He put some distance between their bodies, turning his back to stare at the view of the ocean below. It was as if a wall had come up around him. An invisible, impenetrable wall that had ‘Keep Out’ written all over it.
‘They are nothing but gracious. But I’m aware every time I’m around them I remind them of my part in Ariana’s disability. She’s in a wheelchair, for God’s sake. I put her there. She can’t have the life every other young woman her age takes for granted.’
Emily came up behind him and stroked her hand down his stiffly held shoulders to the small of his back. ‘It’s tragic she’s not able to walk but it might not be for ever. There are medical breakthroughs happening all the time. And she does have a life. It might not be the one she would have chosen, but that doesn’t mean it’s not fulfilling and worthwhile.’
He turned his head to look down at her. ‘Look, I know you mean well, but it’s not just Ariana’s life that’s been ruined. My mother is stuck in the role of full-time carer.’
‘But maybe that’s what she wants,’ Emily said.
His eyes contained a bleakness that reminded her of a lonely and deserted moor. ‘Maybe, but her life would’ve been better if she’d had a choice. I took that away from her.’ He brushed past her to leave the room, almost colliding with his housekeeper coming through the doorway. ‘Excuse me,’ he said to Chrystanthe. ‘I have some business to see to. Can you settle Emily into my room?’
* * *
The master bedroom Chrystanthe led Emily to was decorated in muted greys and stark white with subtle touches of blue. The king-sized bed had a velvet and studded Venetian-style headboard in a deeper shade of mushroom-grey, and there was a collection of plump pillows, both standard and European, and a velvet throw over the foot of the bed. Twin bedside tables balanced the massive bed, and the lamps with their dove-grey shades were a nice counter to the crystal chandelier above. The large windows were festooned with gorgeous white drapes with grey velvet piping featured on the pelmet above.
But, while supposedly it was Loukas’s bedroom, at first glance there was little to tie him to it. It didn’t have any personal touches such as photos or family memorabilia. While his clothes were arranged neatly in the walk-in wardrobe, and his toiletries in the en suite bathroom, the bedroom itself looked more like a luxury hotel suite than anything else. How much time did he spend at his villa? She knew he travelled a lot for work but if this was his base then it sure could do with a few little homey touches. It was almost too perfect. She couldn’t imagine a sticky-fingered toddler coming in here... Well, she could, but it wasn’t a pretty sight.
‘Loukas is always working too hard,’ Chrystanthe said, smoothing down the already impossibly smooth throw on the end of the bed. ‘Maybe you will teach him to relax and enjoy life a bit more, ne?’
‘I’ll try,’ Emily said. ‘How long have you worked for him?’
‘Five years. He is a good boss. Very generous. I want for nothing and neither do any of his staff.’