All the while holding our daughter close to my chest for the very first time.
This beautiful woman had been working full time at a diner, trying to make ends meet while taking care of her family and raising our daughter. She was single-handedly the foundation of this run-down home and had sacrificed everything she could in her life to make sure the children had everything they could ever want. She was still in her work clothes while a brand-new gaming system sat on the shelf for her brother in the living area. I admired her for the strength and beauty she possessed and I wanted to know everything about her. I wanted to know what she needed from me to be able to be happy.
She was staring at me, waiting for me to tell her what would happen next.
She was waiting for me to take control, just like I had all those years ago.
“I need to be a part of my daughter’s life,” I said.
“Okay.”
“I want to get to know you,” I said.
“Why?” she asked.
“Why do I want to get to know the mother of my child?” I asked. “Because…”
How did I tell her? How in the world could I communicate to her that no woman I’d ever attempted to be with since her compared to what we shared that night? How could I tell her that I stopped sleeping with subs altogether because of how perfect she was beneath my body that night? How could I tell her that I couldn’t rid her sounds from my ears or her image from my eyes?
How could I tell her all this without scaring her?
I could see the doubt filling her beautiful eyes and I knew I was losing her. I saw fear and hesitancy, like she thought I might be lying to her. “Because you’re beautiful and have done an amazing thing here raising Ana and Kevin. Because I’d like to see if we could be more than what we shared the night we made Ana.”
She looked at me like she desperately wanted to believe what I was saying, but was afraid to let herself. I realized she must have suffered disappointment after disappointment in her life.
“If you don’t believe that I want to get to know you, then at least let me get to know Ana. Let me come around. Let me play with her. Let me be a part of her life.”
I could tell she was thinking and I was hanging on to every movement her eyes made as they danced around the room.
“Let me provide for you what I should’ve been giving you for the past three years,” I said.
“What does that mean?” she asked, her eyes narrowed.
I did the only thing I knew how to do.
I was going to show her what I meant.
I reached into my pocket and wrapped my hand around the massive wad of cash. I’d brought it to the diner, intent on having this talk. I’d brought it to the counter under the assumption that I’d have to prove to her what I could provide before I even got a chance to see my daughter.
But she’d allowed my entrance into her home without even knowing what I brought to the table.
I pulled the cash out of my pocket and took her hand. I placed it into her small palm, the wad of money dwarfing her entire hand. Her eyes widened and she tried to give it back to me, but all I did was cup my hands around it and bring her fingers up to my lips.
I kissed each of her knuckles while our eyes connected, and when I dropped her hand, she clung to the money instead of trying to give it back.
“You’ve done such a wonderful job, Rose,” I said. “You’ve sacrificed whatever it took to make sure you could give Kevin and our daughter the life they deserved. But I know you were embarrassed when I drove up to your house. I knew you were scrambling to clean it up. It’s why I stayed in the truck for as long as I did.”
I saw tears of shame rising to her eyes and I pulled her close to me. I expected her to push me away, to backtrack as fast as she could now that she had the one thing she needed so desperately.
But all she did was press herself deeper into me, almost as if she were seeking something else.
“This isn’t a bribe,” I said as I held her close. “You have the final decision in this. But this is what I want to provide. Money. Support. Guidance. Whatever I should’ve been giving you these past few years, I want to be here to give it now.”
She sniffled and pulled away from me, her eyes glued to the bundle of cash she had to hold with both of her hands.