She smiled around a bite of food.
“What?” he asked.
“This is a first.”
He tilted his head as she let out a happy laugh. “A date of franks and beans by candlelight.”
“A date?”
Her smile faded. “Oh, yes. No. I mean, not that it’s a date. But . . . I mean, it could be. I don’t want you to think . . . Not that . . . anyway, it’s nice is what I mean.” She lowered her eyes but then peeked up at him.
He remembered what she’d said. “You’re talking a lot, which means you’re not saying something.”
She laughed. “Maybe I shouldn’t have given myself away.” But her eyes were warm and she smiled. “I like spending time with you is what I was trying to say.”
“Why?”
She blinked. “Why do I like spending time with you, Jak?”
He sat back slowly. He loved hearing his name—his real name—on her lips. “Yes.”
She stared at him for a few seconds, tilting her chin a little. “Because I find you interesting and kind. You surprise me, but in good ways. I like the things you say, and I like watching you discover new things. I admire how you’ve survived out here alone for all of these years.” She looked off to the side. “No, admire isn’t strong enough a word. I’m in awe of how you’ve survived out here all of these years, and I’m sure I don’t know the half of it. I hope someday you might trust me enough to tell me. You value truth, Jak, so that’s it. One hundred percent.”
His lips tipped. I like you, he thought, amazement rushing through him. He remembered it—the feeling of . . . affection, was that the word? Yes, he thought it was. The warmth for another human, the . . . liking of them being with you. Not a wanting to mate—though that was there too. The feeling of . . . affection was a good one, a liking that couldn’t be taken away by leaving. It would stay whether she did or not. It made him feel good knowing there was another thing no one could steal from him.
He liked her. It was his. That was all.
At the same time, he felt guilt. How could he va
lue truth like she’d said, and also be a liar? He had so many questions about the world, about life, and humans, so many things that confused him. Did he believe what he’d said when he’d told her keeping information from someone was different than lying? Was there any difference? No, he thought. He knew there wasn’t, because both had been done to him, and in the end, the pain was the same.
So many doubts and questions swirled inside him. His mind was a tidepool, thoughts rushing here, there, in, out, going in circles. So fast he couldn’t get his balance. These new feelings that had only come because he cared what this woman thought. Human feelings. Human questions. He wanted her trust. He wanted her to like him. “What do you value?”
“Me?”
“Yes. Above all else,” he said, repeating her words.
She was quiet, looking like she was thinking hard about his question. “Stability I think . . . love.” Her cheeks got pinker and she looked away.
Was she embarrassed to want love? He wondered why. She had lost people she loved too. If she still wanted it, it was brave. “Do you have it in your life . . . love?”
She breathed out a laugh. “You’re very straightforward when you want to be.”
“Am I asking the wrong questions?” He felt ashamed. He didn’t know how to do this, talk about the things inside him with other people. Sometimes he didn’t even know how to talk to himself.
“No.” She shook her head. “No. Your questions aren’t wrong. Yes, I have love in my life. I love my friends, and I love the kids at the group home I work at.” She smiled again but something sad came into her eyes too.
“Do you love a man?” Please say no.
“No,” she whispered, her eyes meeting his. “No.”
She stood suddenly and leaned close to the window. “Oh my gosh,” she said, bringing his attention to the weather outside. Snow was falling quickly—the big fluffy flakes that meant it would snow for a long time—and ice crystals stuck to the glass. Jak had seen this before, many times. He knew what it was. “That looks bad.”
He stood, heading to the front door and opening it. A blow of icy wind hit his face and he stepped back. “It’s an ice storm.” He’d known it as soon as he saw those fluffy flakes mixed with icy shine.
Harper came up next to him, holding her arm against the whipping wind and closing the door. “God, that came up quickly. I should go before it gets really bad.”
Jak turned to her. “It’s already really bad.”