“I actually had a break-out in the ninth bole of Hell last week,” said the Devil. “A big bastard—he smashed right through the ice. Killed one demon with his bare hands and broke another one’s back.”
“Did you get him?” I asked.
“One of my people said she saw him in Chicago.”
“Purgatory is spreading like the plague,” said Christ.
The Devil leaned up close behind me and put his claw hand on my shoulder. I could feel his hot breath on the back of my neck. “His old man is reading Nietzsche,” he whispered, his tongue grazing my earlobe.
“What’s he saying?” Christ asked me.
“Which way am I supposed to turn to get out of this development?” I asked.
Just then there was an abrupt bump on the top of the car. It startled me and I swerved, almost hitting a garbage can.
“You gotta check this out,” said the Devil. “Saint Lumley of the Bad Trips is flying over us.”
“Punch the gas,” yelled Christ, and I floored it. I drove like a maniac, screeching around corners as the pastel ranches flew by.
“We’re starting to lose her,” the Devil called out.
“What are you carrying?” Christ asked.
“I’ve got a full minute of fire,” said the Devil. “What have you got?”
“I’ve got the Machine of Eden,” said Christ.
“Uhh, not The fucking Machine of Eden,” said the Devil, and slammed the back of my seat.
“What do you mean?” said Christ.
“When was the last time that thing worked?”
“It works,” said Christ.
“Pull off and go through the gate up on your right,” said the Devil. “We’ve got to take her out or she’ll dog us for eternity.”
“I don’t like this at all,” said Christ.
After passing the gate, I drove on a winding gravel road that led to the local landfill. There were endless moonlit hills of junk and garbage. I parked the car a
nd we got out.
“We’ve got to get to the top of that hill before she gets here,” said Christ, pointing to a huge mound of garbage.
I scrabbled up the hill, clutching at old car seats and stepping on dead appliances. Startled rats scurried through the debris. When I reached the top I was sweating and panting. Christ beat me, but I had to reach back down and help the Devil up the last few steps.
“It’s the hooves,” he said, “they’re worse than high heels.”
“There’s some cool old stuff here,” said Christ.
“I saw a whole carton of National Geographics I want to snag on the way out,” said the Devil.
Off in the distance, I saw the shadow of something passing in front of the stars. It was too big to be a bird. “Here she comes,” I yelled and pointed. They both spun around to look. “What do I do?” I asked.
“Stay behind us,” said Christ. “If she gets you, it’s going to hurt.”
The next thing I knew, Mrs. Lumley had landed and we three were backed against the edge of the hill with a steep drop behind us. Her blue skin shone in the moonlight like armor, but there were tufts of hair growing from it. She had this amazing aqua body and an eight-foot wingspan, but with the exception of the gills and fangs, she still had the face of a sixty-five-year-old woman. She moved slowly toward us, burping out words that made no sense.