My second relationship had been a mistake from the first week, I had just been too scared to admit it. In my painting, I preferred soft dreamy lines to stark and straight lines. While I have been painting for years, I was mostly self-taught and wasn’t very good at drawing. When I wanted to push myself a little farther, I had signed up for a drawing course, hoping to make my painting better. I expected bowls of fruit not the naked woman reclining on the couch seemingly without a care in the world. A part of me had been shocked and then jealous of the woman’s casualness of her naked body. It had been almost a year since Charles and I had taken a step back from anything even slightly sexual. Even at home I no longer felt comfortable naked. While I had often seen paintings of women naked and in various stages of undress and always thought them beautiful I had never seen a woman in person naked. I thought Tracy was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, at the time. My drawing was awful and I’d tried instead to do a painting but it hadn’t been much better.
My efforts had caught Tracy’s eye and somehow in a way I hadn’t even been aware of, we had moved into a sexual relationship. At first I hadn’t stopped the progression because I thought since I did find a woman’s body beautiful and some photographs erotic, maybe it meant I could be attracted to one. Still, it wasn’t until after several glasses of wine that I was able to respond to Tracy’s kisses and not stiffen at her touches and I gained the courage to go further. It hadn’t been awful but it hadn’t satisfying and I wasn’t sure how to tell Tracy that, especially when Tracy had acted as if it was the most amazing sex ever. I felt horrible, I couldn’t tell Tracy the truth even as I lay under her trying to be enthusiastic when all I wanted to do was ask her to stop.
Tracy had tried, she really had, including toy after toy during sex. It had only been a few weeks before Tracy had pressed the issue and with relief I admitted I didn’t want to continue anymore. Tracy had accused me of using her and the sad truth was, she was right. I had wanted to know if I could be in a sexual relationship again and after the strength and brutal treatment at the end with Charles, I hadn’t felt safe with a man again. I’d taken all the insults and recriminations Tracy had hurled at me as my due.
After that it had been two very long years before I felt confident enough to get involved with anyone. No longer did I allow people to walk over me, I felt as though I had come into my own. Maybe I was still looking for someone who didn’t remind me of black haired and black eyed Charles because Troy was the exact opposite of Charles. Charles had been confident, cocky, rough and rippled with muscles, vain but rightly so. Troy had been lean, very pretty in a blond haired, blue eyed way.
He’d worked in a bank and been very serious and restrained, even in the bedroom. He hadn’t been a bad lover, he had been unselfish but passion was seriously lacking. At first that had relieved me, and then slowly, it had bored me. Troy had a five year plan, written down and then crossed off. I had been in the right place at the right time for his five year plan and he’d asked me to move in on our two year anniversary and he’d made it clear the next step would be marriage. After a year, if all went well, he would propose. Then for our fourth year together we would marry. After two years, we would have two children, three years apart. As I sat listening to him layout my life for me, I hadn’t been able to say a word.
When he’d finished, sounding quite proud, of himself I had only been able to murmur I needed to think about it. I’d gone home and simply laid in bed turning over his words for hours. A small part of me had actually considered saying yes. Knowing he thought that far ahead and saw me in his future had been comforting. Still, the almost cold and clinical way he’d gone through his plans step by step had me wondering would any woman have done?
Then I thought of all the small things he’d done to change me during our relationship. It wasn’t until that moment I realized I hadn’t been as confident and unwilling to be led as I thought. The changes had come slowly and gradually and I had told myself it was for the better. Troy had molded me into what he wanted, and what really pissed me off was, I let him.
When we’d met I’d been a size ten, and had felt comfortable in my body but I knew that on a small frame like mine it might appear to a bit more than on a tall person. Troy had talked me into going for runs, and hiking, all of which I hated but told myself couples did to spend time together. He’d been way too happy when I’d gone down a size. I had resented his overly soothing tone when he walked me through the aisles of the grocery store telling me why I shouldn’t buy one thing or another. He didn’t like it when I was dirty when I painted and that I walked around the house barefoot instead of wearing the slippers he’d bought me.
I hadn’t been able to wait, it didn’t matter that it was close to midnight I banged on his condo door and told him I was sorry but no. Was it the late hour and that I had disturbed his sleep that had made him so angry? I don’t know but he wasn’t the crisp and tidy Troy he’d always been. He’d unleashed a torrent of anger and fire at me. Just remembering the words has me shivering, I had no idea he could be the way he’d been that night. I snuggle closer into Sam’s heat comforted by the feel of him against me.
My hand moves in a slow caress over him, loving the freedom to touch him while he sleeps. What if in six months or two years, I hurt Sam the way I’d hurt others and he hates me for it? But what if I could change and not be empty and cold anymore? Already I felt empty when he wasn’t close, his touch warmed me in ways I hadn’t known a simple touch could. It didn’t matter I’ve known him all of two days I feel more comfortable with him than I had with anyone I’d ever known, even Christine. I feel safe with him, as if I can say anything, be anyway with him and he’d take me as I am without trying to change me.
Charles had used me sexually and, sometimes I felt like his toy to be used for his pleasure. Sam had only given me pleasure and not asked for anything back. I’m not stupid enough to think that wouldn’t change but he’d been gentle and extremely intent on my pleasure, not his own. Tracy hadn’t thought I was feminist in my ideals enough, and pushed me to try and see men and the secret dream I had of being nothing but a housewife and mother as a way of keeping women down. Troy had made me feel like he wa
nted and deserved a platinum partner but was willing to settle for the silver plating he would put on me.
On the drive to Austin, all of the bad habits I had listed hadn’t caused him to blink. My sarcasm had him laughing instead of annoyed. He hadn’t been bothered by me being dirty from painting, he’d found me so sexy he’d wanted to bend me over the table. He hadn’t cooked just because I said I didn’t like to cook, he had cooked to please me. Italian was my favorite food, I don’t remember listing it but from his interrogation efforts it would have come easily. Remembering that still makes me smile, if sex was all he was after, would a man really put so much effort into it? I want to think no but I’m not sure as I obviously don’t know as much about men as I thought I did. He’d teased me but never put me down, never made me feel small to make himself bigger, both Troy and Charles had done that, hell Tracy had as well.
He seems genuinely interested in my art and intent on me doing something with it. No one had ever encouraged my art since I was a teenager, not even Christine. Sam wouldn’t want me to change who I am but he’d demand all of me, everything I had to give, I have that sense about him. Was that why he hadn’t taken unless I gave, because when the time came I would have to give him all? It doesn’t scare me because I know he’d give it back, he wasn’t out simply to take. But what did I really have to give him, besides my body?
“Don’t,” The gruff, sleep soaked word is followed by a gentle finger smoothing out the lines on my forehead. “I don’t want you thinking too much about this. Just enjoy it baby. Would that be so bad?”
Looking into Sam’s beautiful blue eyes, I force my fears down and can only answer by laying back on his chest and hugging him closer.
“Good girl, damn just after six in the morning. Thank you, baby, I haven’t slept a stretch like this in years and it feels damn good.”
“You really slept all night long?” It feels good to know I was the reason.
“All night, haven’t done that in years. Since waking up in the hospital the longest I’ve gone is about four hours, this was all you. But now that I’m awake you better get up and get ready for work because the feeling of you all up against me is turning out to be very painful.” To prove his words, his hands slide down to my hips and pull me against his very impressive bulge.
I can’t fight the blush and can’t move away, I don’t want to move away, I press back against him. Sam stills and then his eyes darken, finally he moves. His hand slides under my shirt and I sigh at the feel of his skin on mine, warm and tingling my skin wants more, I want more. He moves slowly as if expecting me to call a halt but I don’t, it feels too good. Pressing a kiss against his chest he trembles and knowing I can have that affect on him sends a thrill through me. Then his hand cups my breast and his thumb sweeps over a tight nipple and his name is a gasp of air. Last night when he’d touched me, almost the same way but over my shirt as I fell asleep I’d fought the urge to press against him, but I’d been too scared. Now I called myself a fool for my fear.
“Sam, yes, more please.”
His hands keep moving up and taking my shirt with him, I move to help him take it off and then reach out for his shirt but he stops me. One large hand traps my wrists and pull them up, over my head. “No, Zoe, you touch me and I can’t think.”
I open my mouth to protest but then his mouth covers my nipple and sucks deep as his tongue teases the aching tight bud.
“I wanted to bend you over my lap and heat your sweet little ass for coming out last night without a bra and making me hard as a rock for you but watching them react to me was worth it. I loved it, they would pucker up for me and beg for my mouth, so damn beautiful.” He moves to my other breast but his free hand continues to pleasurably assault the nipple aching for his mouth, he plucks and teases and between that and his mouth on my other breast, I’m mindless in need. My hips are bucking up, begging for what I can’t say out loud.
“Yes, baby, I know what you want. Not just yet, I need some more time with these gorgeous tits of yours. So sensitive, yes, you can take it, just a little more.” His tongue teases and his mouth taunts, when teeth nip at me, I almost come. I’m hanging on the edge and I’m stunned because he’s nowhere near my clitoris. Then he soothes, licking gently and moves back to my other breast. This time he suckles hard with multiple flicks of his tongue, just as he had with my clitoris and I fall over the edge of my climax in a shocking rush. I’m shocked, I can’t believe it.
A hand strokes up and down my inner thigh as I come down from the exhilaration of my climax. I try to move my hands, aching to touch him. “Sam please, I want to touch you. I want to taste you.”
He ignores me, his only reaction is to tighten his grip on my wrists. His other hand moves higher up my inner thigh and finds me so wet the back of my skirt is soaked and he let out a hiss of breath in approval. “No panties, you are so fucking perfect. So wet for me baby, I love how wet you get. You make my dick ache. You make me high from the smell of you.”
I’m so wet he is able to fit three large fingers inside me and he pumps fast in and out of me and sends me toward another orgasm. His mouth fastens back onto my breast and I hit my orgasm so quickly it verges on pain. I’m completely limp in his arms.
In a daze, fighting to keep my eyes open, I watch Sam lick me from his fingers. He does it slowly, as if he is savoring the taste of me, our eyes are locked until he finishes.
“You have sweetest pussy I have ever tasted. Thank you, baby.”