“It’s funny to me you would even ask the question. It always seems like you don’t give a fuck what people think. I’m surprised this would be any different.”
“I don’t care what other people think. I worried I was, I don’t know, betraying the whole we demand to be treated with respect and a relationship to be fair and equal thing.”
“Oh, sweetie, you are adorable. No relationship is fair and equal all the time. Maybe ten percent of the time the scale is balanced, the other times it’s a whole lot of give and a whole lot of take. Sometimes I do more giving with Matteo, but Cesare does more giving with his time. Sometimes I do way more taking of Cesare’s willingness to coddle me, and other times he does more taking in needing to make love, because it’s his way of being coddled.
“At the end of the day it’s not about who takes or gives more, it’s about whether or not you can bear the unevenness, if the good outweighs the bad. The balance is constantly shifting. As long as you two communicate what you need, what’s really important, and if the other hears it and honors it in a respectful way, for the most part you won’t feel like killing each other. Remember, when a person is murdered police look at the spouse. There’s a reason.”
“It sounds overwhelming. I really need to look into this whole relationship thing more. I thought it was all Netflix and chill and arguing over having pizza or Chinese for takeout. Then again, Dante doesn’t do Chinese because of the carbs and salt. This sounds hard.”
“It can be, and then sometimes it’s sweet and effortless. I do think it shouldn’t be hard all the time. If it’s constant work and stress, then there’s something wrong on a fundamental level, and the relationship won’t work in the long run. It’s not up to him to make you happy or vice versa, but it is up to you to respect him and your relationship. I found a book I really like. It lays it out simply. I’ll email it to you.”
“Great, now I’m studying to be in a relationship.”
She sighs. “No one says you have to read it.”
“No, send it to me. I want to read it. Just me whining about anything being harder than I think it should be.”
“Welcome to the real world. Buckle up, buttercup, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.”
“Haha, you’re mean.” I hear a beep.
“I have to go, it’s Meredith calling me to update on her mom. Love you, talk later.”
I’m looking through an online bookstore for books on relationships—damn it’s overwhelming—when my phone rings. It’s the pharmacy. Thank goodness, my doctor in Iowa was willing to refill the birth control prescription I hadn’t filled in almost two years. I hadn’t felt the need to as, hello, no sex. The only reason my doctor put me on it was because I had a cyst burst, leaving me incapacitated for two days. After the emergency room physician gave me a shot of morphine for the pain, he urged me to follow up with my doctor to go on the pill. He ruled out polycystic ovary syndrome but going on the pill would likely prevent future cysts.
I made the call, did some of my own research and agreed with him. My doctor did too. I took it for a year, only I wasn’t the best at taking it on time and after the prescription ran out I thought it was more trouble than it was worth to get another. Since I had a Pap six months ago, my doctor is willing to do the refill.
I decide to go pick it up myself. It’s only two blocks away, and I’m still feeling hyped up from the tea.
While I’m out I manage to get pulled into a bookstore by an invisible forcefield. Almost two hours later I walk out with more books than I can read for the rest of the year, three of them on relationships, one of them the one Alicia recommended. I even went into the romance section, which I never do. I know Alicia reads romance, but none of the stories ever sucked me in the way thrillers and mystery do. With romance it’s all the same, boy meets girl, they fall in love, one of them is stupid or does something stupid, they break up only to realize they loved each other all along, and then boom, the end. With mysteries and thrillers there’s a kind of pattern but anyone could be the bad guy, bad people did horrible things and sometimes the good guy did even worse things. That’s interesting, that’s compelling. But I got curious at the display of the best romances of the year so far. I don’t think it would hurt to try a few out.
When I get back to the condo it’s almost five o’clock and my agitation begins building. What did last night mean? Before he walked away I would have sworn he was giving in, but then he walked away. Talk about mixed signals. I’m wondering if I should call Lydia and ask her when my phone buzzes with a text. It’s Dante.
Dinner?
Oh thank god. I don’t hesitate to call him. “Now?”
“I have a few things to wrap up still, another hour or so. Enzo has me on ice. Why don’t you meet me at Porters?”
I bite my lip to keep from squealing like an idiot. “Can’t we eat in? I’ll cook, I’m not bad at it. I’m not great but I’m like a solid four stars on five things and a three on most others.”
“I’m leaning toward making you get dressed in clothes that don’t cling to you when you’re close enough for me to touch.”
Eager to please, I give in. “Okay, I’ll go. I don’t have a lot of nice clothes.”
“Don’t worry, something like what you wore yesterday is fine.”
“If you say so. What time?”
“Seven okay?”
“See you then.”
I wander into my closet, desperate to find something nice to wear. It takes way too long to come up with a simple black maxi skirt and pink top. Then I worry the sleeves are too short and grab a cardigan to go over it.
I make it to the restaurant with a few minutes to spare to find Dante already there. Heat flares low inside me as his eyes run over me.
His hand goes to the small of my back as he guides me toward our table. Even through my clothes the heat of his touch sparks fizzy bubbles in my blood. I fight not to lean into his touch.