“Please, you aren’t a bum. You’ve been working flat out. You obviously needed the sleep. Don’t worry about it.”
She shrugs. “I figured breakfast would help me with my guilt, and it did. Anyway, Cesare was talking last night about you guys going away for Christmas. He said you were concerned about me for the holiday. You know I love you. Because I love you, I want you guys to go away together by yourselves. We’ve had twenty-three years of Christmases together; this will be the first for the two of you. This is your time to start making good memories together. Without worrying about me. Like I said, I’m only taking off three days, and as much as I loved our trip to London the whole three-day thing left me exhausted. I’m more than happy to just hole up and get some rest to recharge.”
“Did Cesare put you up to this?”
Her eyes go wide. “No. He didn’t. He was trying to pick my brain on where I would like to go so I could help him talk you into it. When I told him about only having three days, he shrugged and said never mind because he knew you wouldn’t want to leave me.”
Her surprise is so genuine I don’t doubt her. “Okay, I never know with him. When he wants his way he can be a force to be reckoned with.”
Bethany laughs. “I know, he’s kind of awesome that way. I love him—he’s perfect for you.”
***
Alicia
Saying goodbye to Bethany, I get a little weepy knowing I won’t see her for months. Cesare closes the door behind us, then guides me toward the couch. He presses me down as he sits down on the ottoman, keeping ahold of my hand. The expression on his face reminds me of how he looked when he was holding Amari, as if he were completely enchanted by her, followed by longing. Seeing Cesare holding Amari, my whole body clenched tight with longing to see him with our baby, to jump him so we can make our own baby, to tell him I love him.
Swallowing the words as I have for months doesn’t work; this time they refuse to go away. “I want a baby, your baby. Actually, I want three little boys with big black eyes and a dimple in their cheek. And as much as I love this place, I want to raise our children in a house in the ’burbs with a big backyard. Somewhere where they can ride their bikes and build a fort and get dirty.”
Cesare closes his eyes. Sighing, he brings my hand up to his lips, pressing a gentle kiss to my palm. “I’ll be right back.”
I watch, unable to move as he gets up and walks out of the condo. What happened? He didn’t say, Me too, yes please. He didn’t say, I only want two kids, is that okay? His expression was sad, I think. Fear grips my entire body. Where is he? Seconds feel like hours. Why did he walk out? Is he going to get security? Out of every worst case scenario I had thought of, none of them were what is happening right now. I roll off the couch and run for my closet. I grab my go bag, Grover, and I’m gone in seconds.
I’m out on the street, trying to wave down a cab in the freezing cold, when I feel a hand around my arm. It’s Cesare, I don’t even have to look. He doesn’t say a word, just marches me back into the building. I’m crying, I hate crying in front of him. The quiet in the elevator is suffocating me. He pushes the door closed with a bang, then pushes me up against it.
“How the hell could you walk out on me? What the hell is going on in that fucked-up head of yours? I leave to go get a ring to put on your finger, and after you telling me you want my baby, you walk out?” he thunders and I’m shaking.
“You didn’t say anything you walked away. You didn’t say yes, I want children too. I finally told you I loved you and you walked away.”
“I was overcome with emotion because I had begun to wonder if you would ever say it. I didn’t want to fucking cry in front of my future wife. There are some things a man does not do. Like letting go of the woman he loves.”
Anguish is running through me, for the honesty in his words, for screwing up all over again. “I’m sorry. I’ve loved you for so long. Even though you said all this about being yours, you never said you loved me. You never talked about the future.”
“You spent the first few months going on and on about raising Bethany not to think becoming a wife and mother was the be all and end all for a woman, so I wasn’t sure how you felt about marriage. You never mentioned children. It wasn’t until I saw you with Amari on Thanksgiving I knew you wanted them, and I do too. I want little girls with big brown eyes and their mama’s smile. If you want to live in the suburbs we’ll live in the suburbs; you want to live on the fucking moon, I’ll make it happen. I’ve told you over and over, whatever you want, all you have to do is ask and it’s yours. My heart, my fucking soul—it’s yours and it’s been yours, always.”
It’s there, his whole heart in his eyes. My hand goes up to his chest, to touch him. The heat of him, the solid muscles, the vibrating of his heart pounding beneath my hand—this is no dream, this is the real thing. “I love you, Cesare. Te amo.”
His hand captures my hand, holding it tight. “I’m going to need you to say it again.”
Tears fall. “I love you. I think as stupid as it sounds, I loved you from the first moment I saw you. You snatched my breath away then sent me reeling. Me not sharing my worries was because I was afraid I would tell you I loved you and you couldn’t say it back.”
“I love you with everything I am. I know I messed up by trying to maintain control of this. Thinking it was just lust, I was determined to get you out of my system. It only took once to realize I didn’t want to fuck you; I wanted to make love to you. Then we made love and...” He shakes his head. “I had no idea I was so empty until you filled me full, had never guessed there was a part of me missing until I found it in you. Why do you think I kept telling you I would never let you go, that you were mine? If you left you were taking me with you. I belong to you, body and soul, the same way you belong to me. Please don’t cry, it makes me ache to see it.”
“They’re happy tears, and tears because I’m sad and sorry I didn’t recognize it for so long.”
“All that matters is you do.” His mouth is on mine. Dimly I’m aware we’re moving down the hall, then we’re on the bed. We’re both frantic; clothes are torn apart, pushed out of the way instead of all the way off. His first thrust sends him home, buried deep inside me. We both gasp, our breaths mingling, our souls connecting, merging, recognizing we have
found the other half of us we never knew we were missing. Mine. Cesare’s mouth finds mine, bringing tears to my eyes. I’ve been so stupid. He’s told me he loved me a thousand times already, every time we make love.
The sun is setting as I run my hand over his tattoo, tracing the ink. His eyes are closed but he’s awake, a smile on his face. Suddenly, he sits up. Gently, he moves me off him. I sit up, wondering where he is going. He finds his jeans, and I watch him take a small box out of the pocket. As he gets back in bed he opens the box, takes out an enormous ring, and without saying a word he slides the ring on my finger then leans against the headboard.
The ring is too big: an enormous diamond solitaire is surrounded by a halo of even more diamonds. I would never have picked it. It’s so completely Cesare, and I love it. I hug him tight. “When did you get my ring.”
“The day after you said that stupid shit about leaving because the twenty five days were up. I already knew I wanted you forever, I wanted you to know too. After I got it I stashed it at Dante’s, I was worried you would find it before I could think of the perfect way to propose. Then the very next night you said something about Jeanine’s and Billy’s problems they were having. I remember vividly you saying it was always the women who got shafted in marriage then you shuddered.
“I figured I’d give you more time, hell you had only just moved in. I was hoping gradually you would become comfortable in our home, with the idea of making it all legal. I wanted to lock you down tight, you are never getting away. But you never talked about it in a positive enough light to think it was safe to ask you. So I’m not asking, I’m telling you that we are getting married and soon.”
Now I laugh, god I’ve been so stupid. “I’m thinking I want a spring wedding on Dante’s boat.” We’ve spent several sunny warm days on Dante’s boat. Calling it a boat is laughable, though, when it’s actually a three-hundred-foot yacht with three levels and two gorgeous decks.