“You haven’t given up your apartment?”
Eyes down, hating the confusion on his face, I shake my head.
“Why not?”
“My lease is up in September.” My stomach is in knots. “It’s a great apartment. I’ve lived there for over seven years. I thought better safe than sorry.”
I don’t hear him move; all I know is his hand is in my hair. His grip is tight as he pulls me back to look at him. “Do you think I’m going to let you go?”
My throat works as my fear won’t allow me to lie. “I don’t know.”
“Know this: I’m not letting you go. You belong to me. Do you understand me, Alicia?”
He’s nearly vibrating with aggression. “Yes.”
“Tomorrow we go to your apartment. We bring everything back you want to keep. Once your sister has left for Mexico, you give your landlord your notice.”
“Yes, okay.”
With a sigh he lets me go. I’m a little lost without his hand. For the first time since I have slept with him, when he climbs into bed he doesn’t pull me into his arms. Instead he turns onto his side with his back to me.
He couldn’t have hurt me more if he slapped me. Even though I know I hurt him, I can’t hold back the tears. Cesare has to know I was only trying to protect myself. He called me his but he never told me he loved me; he never talked about a future.
I can admit it now: I said I didn’t want a man in my life because it was easier than saying no man wanted me. Without a man in my life I believed children weren’t an option. Although it made me a little sad, I consoled myself with the thought that at least I could sleep as late as I wanted or leave the house at the drop of a hat or spend all day reading. They were small pleasures that never felt like a fair trade-off. Now that I’ve been dumb enough to fall in love with Cesare, I want his babies with a fierce desire almost as strong as my need for him. I dream of having little boys with big black eyes and dimples who tumble around the house and a big backyard. Is that a dream Cesare shares too? If not, would he at least be open to it, or is it not even an option?
I’m surprised to hear Cesare swear seconds before he pulls me into his arms. Sniffing I bury my face in his neck. “I’m sorry. This all feels overwhelming sometimes.”
“Talk to me, Alicia. Whatever your thoughts and fears are, I need you to share them with me. I’m not going anywhere, and neither are you.”
I nod, grateful for the cover of darkness as I swallow the fear lingering within me.
***
Cesare
Alicia is driving me crazy. It feels like we move three steps forward then two back. When I called Hannah to tell her I wouldn’t be in today, her shock wasn’t a surprise. I’ve never not gone into the office unless I was laid out sick. But this feels too important to leave up to Alicia to do on her own. I really believed she saw this place as her home, the changes she made were so complete, done with such care. I loved the changes, from more comfortable furniture, to the colors on the walls, to the pictures from the past. How could she put everything she did into transforming this place into a home, and still keep her old apartment as an out?
Another punch to the heavy bag lands with satisfaction. This morning I’m so filled with frustration I hadn’t even started with weights like I normally do, my first thought was getting to the bag. Heat hits me then flares, and I turn to
find Alicia in the doorway watching me. Her big eyes are wide, her breathing shallow; those beautiful breasts swell below my gaze with her nipples becoming fine points of desire. In this way, there are no secrets she hides from me. One look at her and I’m hard, only I don’t trust myself to touch her right now. We also don’t have much time. I know Bethany’s graduation is at one, and it’s a little after eight thirty. The way I feel, she’d be very late.
“Give me ten minutes. I need to shower then we’ll go to your apartment to pack everything up.”
She nods before continuing down the hall. I go take a shower.
I carry up the boxes I had Daniel purchase along with a few rolls of tape before picking us up today. When he drops us off, I let him know we’ll be a few hours. I’ll call him when we’re done.
Alicia shakes her head. “I don’t think we’ll take the full two hours.”
He shrugs. “I’ll be close by.”
As she opens the door to her apartment, the memory of pressing her up against it flashes brightly. Walking inside, I study the room, recalling my fear she had brought Wyatt here. It’s not large, but it’s clean and cozy and easy to see her touches here that match the way she decorated our home.
We work for an hour and it looks like she’s right, we’re almost done. I had laughed at finding the two vibrators in her bedside table. When I told her we would be playing with them tonight, her eyes glowed up at me with excitement. Damn, she is beautiful. I hadn’t been able to resist pulling her to me for a kiss.
I spot a canvas carryall at the top of the closet and take it down. Alicia’s eyes go big. “I’ve got it. It just goes in a box.”
Immediately my antenna goes up. I unzip it. Inside there are two pairs of jeans, a pair of sweats, two T-shirts, and one sweater. Which seems normal until I find a box of granola bars, two packets of tuna in a tear-off pouch, a large Ziploc bag that holds what looks like a thousand in cash and her passport. That’s not all, there’s a large switchblade knife, a heavy flashlight and just as I’m shaking my head, trying to figure what all of these things are doing in one bag, at the bottom of everything is a small vibrator, a bottle of lube, and a four-pack of batteries. My eyes go up to her. “What in the world is this?”