Sighing, “So, what do you want? Are you okay with these slips?” For the first time Elise is very serious. “Because it’s bullshit if you aren’t.”
“Oh, god yes. I’m happy. Very happy.” The first time Ivan forgot a condom when we got back to Chicago, I could have sworn he did it on purpose. There was something so different from the time in Manchester. A part of me wanted to grab him and tell him I loved him, and I wanted his baby so badly I dreamed of it nightly. A baby boy with big black eyes and Ivan’s grin. Even now, I fight not to shiver with longing.
Blushing, I realize both women are smiling at me. “I wasn’t sure what it meant. If I was reading too much into it or not. I can’t think of anything that would make me happier. Except Ivan actually saying out loud it’s what he wants.”
“The same could be said for you.” Lydia shrugs. “I don’t get why you don’t just say it.”
Shaking our heads, Elise and I laugh as we see it. “I love you to death, Lydia, you know that, but it’s so fucking annoying when women like you with high self-esteem and positive body image take a thump at those of us without all of that. They are less than three months in, for fuck’s sake. It’s scary to have the conversation even a year in.”
“Are you all right?” Dmitri asks, his eyes narrowed on his wife.
“I’m fine, we’re good. We’re going to go check on the kittens. Come on, ladies. We have the most adorable kittens in the world. We started with one fat street cat and she went and had babies on us.”
“I didn’t even think we were loud. Were we loud?” I ask as I follow Elise through her beautiful home. I’m terrified Ivan might have heard.
“No, we weren’t. I had an eye on them to make sure. They were deep into a discussion on futures, usual boring men stuff. Before that they were talking about the changes in British politics of late. Dmitri’s always got his eye on Elise though.”
Shrugging, she nods with a smile. “He’s very alert when he’s worried about something interrupting our planned special time. I had to do some hard bargaining to get him to agree to having people over. He hates it. The having people over thing, not the actual people. Us not having dinner with the kids or putting them to bed, he hates his schedule to be messed with in any way.”
“Sounds exactly like Ivan. Oh my god, they are adorable.”
We’re in a large playroom, filled with children’s toys and desks. There is a large cage with a black cat nursing two small black kittens while two other kittens, both gray, play with each other.
Elise opens the door and the two gray ones come charging out on wobbly legs. Picking up one, she hands it to me. I snuggle it close. “I have always wanted a cat. Are you going to keep them all?”
“Oh yeah.” She rolls her eyes. “the kids would scream bloody murder if we didn’t. They’re already upset they don’t each have one. So cuddle it close, but it’s staying here when you leave. Speaking of, about the whole scary conversation, I say don’t have it at all. Make him work for you a little more. From experience, I can tell you they appreciate it more when they have to work for it.”
Frowning, Lydia sighs. “But like how much work? Saying no when you mean yes or what? I’m just not feeling the whole manipulation thing.”
“Okay, I get it’s not exactly PC or whatever, but sometimes you have to put them through a little something to make them realize what they want and they have to work for it. I’ve done some things I’m not proud of, but these aren’t regular men. Please and thank you aren’t in their vocabulary. They take what they want, they aren’t used to hearing the word no and they like a challenge.”
Elise shrugs. “Give him a challenge. Not every man is the same. I get Decker had been through a ton of drama and bullshit, and he was ready for smooth and easy and clear definitions. Ivan reminds me so much of Dmitri, and for Dmitri it was all him trying to get and maintain control. Which, I get he needs, but he was playing fast and loose with knowing I would be there for him whenever he wanted.”
Shaking her head, “Hell, I wanted to be there. I wasn’t going anywhere, but complacency wasn’t working out for us either. There were times I felt like I was an afterthought. Which led to me resenting the fuck out of him. Look, don’t go overboard, because that’s no good either. I’m saying don’t make everything easy. Don’t shy away from the word no either.”
I think of the black lace dress, and how delicious the night was after.
“Even almost nine years in I like saying no every once in a while. He was shocked when I said I didn’t want to go with him to Paris for
a few days while he had business to do there. His plan was hotel sex, no kiddos, and work during the day. I told him that I liked the sex better when he’s been gone and he’s all needy.” She laughs, as she blushes. “Let me tell you, the sex was amazing that night. Then he picked me up and carried me out of the house with him to Paris, against my will. The entire flight was exhausting, in a very good way.”
“Hmm.” Lydia sighs. “It’s always good. Decker always goes above and beyond every single time. But it has been a minute since it was amazing. While I was pregnant with Ben and after, we went almost six months without sex. It was awful, between the baby blues and Ella’s tantrums we didn’t have the drive. We finally got back into the groove, but it’s strictly bedroom or shower, not the hot, dirty, sweaty stuff we used to have.”
“We went through that phase too. Between our third and fourth one, me learning to juggle between how much to depend on the nanny and how much to take on. You never lose that drive to want to be supermom—getting caught up in that was torture. I even thought it was a bad thing as a mom to enjoy anal sex, to enjoy sex at all as much as I did. These weird, crazy thoughts, thoughts I’d never had before, came crashing in and did a number on me and our whole relationship. For over two years it was bed only, lights off. I don’t know how he put up with it for as long as he did.”
Lydia reaches out and squeezes Elise’s hand.
“He went overseas and I barely noticed he was gone. Then it turned into two whole weeks. It only hit me when the housekeeper said something and asked if everything was okay. It took a minute to figure out everything was not okay.” She sighs.
“I realized I had done it, done that thing I promised I wouldn’t do. I put the kids and mommy thing before him, before me even. Two hours later I was on our private plane out to see him. Ever since then I refuse to let all the noise out there matter to me, what other people think, what ‘they’ say you should and shouldn’t do. It’s about us, what’s right for me and Dmitri and our kids, and that’s all that matters.”
“I screamed Decker’s name and Ella heard me.” Lydia nods. “It’s been since then I get all tense she’s going to hear us again. How I shouldn’t even be so worried about having an orgasm because mommies don’t do that.”
“Mommies do all the things or they wouldn’t be mommies.” Elise laughs as she bumps Lydia with her shoulder. Turning to me, she assures me, “We’re here if you need to talk. Trust me when I tell you, we’ve been through it all. You’re going to mess up, he’s going to mess up but as long as you don’t lose the love, it will all work out in the end.”
“Thanks, this was pretty much everything I didn’t know I needed.” I hadn’t wanted to come almost as much as Ivan didn’t want to. I’m so glad I did though.
***