Chapter 9
"There are so many of them." I can't pull my eyes from the screen of his smartphone. "Noah told me a little about it, but he didn't say it was like this."
One of Ben's hands rests on my thigh while the other is cast behind me across the back of the sofa. He's leaning so close to me that I can smell the intoxicating scent of his skin. "Noah scrolled through a bunch of them."
I nod slowly. "Why did you keep them all?"
"I kept the first one because I'm bad at clearing out my phone." A small chuckle moves his chest forward a touch. "Once Parker mentioned your name I wanted to have them just in case I ever needed to show you."
I drop the phone to my lap. "You really didn't know who he was when you gave him the money for the ring, did you?" It's a question that I've already found the answer to in the saved messages on his phone. I read Parker's text thanking Ben for the gift.
His brow cocks. "He was just a random guy I had a few drinks with. He seemed down on his luck. I wanted to help him out."
"He's an ass," I mutter beneath my breath. It's an accurate description given the fact that I've just read more than three dozen messages on Ben's phone from Parker. Messages where he tells Ben that he's unsure if he's in love with me or Elsie and messages where he confesses to a split second decision to ask Elsie to marry him the day after he returned to Boston after meeting Ben.
He reaches to take the phone from me. "He's confused. He's not worthy of someone like you."
At any other moment in my life I'd find the words cheesy, but now they are anything but that. "Why didn't you tell me right away? You should have told me you knew Parker."
He places the phone on the cushion next to him before he raises his hand to his brow. He slowly runs it over his forehead. "You're the most amazing person I've ever known."
It's not an answer to my question. I want to push but I can sense from the tension in his shoulders that I need to let him set the pace.
He closes his eyes briefly before his hand juts back to mine. "I've been close to one person in my life."
"Your mother," I offer. It's not a question. It's a fact. I know that is his truth.
"Yes." He tilts his chin down. "When she died I stopped feeling anything."
I've never dealt with a death that profound so the emotional compass I'm operating with in terms of grief is very different than Ben's. I've imagined loss but I don't believe that's the same thing. I know it's not. Since meeting Ben, I've seen the devastating impact that death can have on someone. "I'm sorry you lost her."
"I am too," he says through a heavy sigh. "I went into medicine to heal people. It gave me a focus that I really needed. I can help a lot of people without getting too emotionally attached."
"You care for your patients." I still as I stare at his handsome face.
"I try to stay objective with them." He pops his brows up as he lo
oks at me. "It's not always easy."
I want to know more about that because it's the very essence of who he is. Today is a perfect example of that. When I first turned towards him on the street, I could see the concern in his face. Part of that was directed towards me, but there was more beneath the surface. It's not possible for him to walk away from his work when the clock strikes four the way I do. He carries it with him. It's always there, pulling at him in ways I'll never truly grasp.
"I've only ever really cared for my mother." His eyes soften. "I mean I love my dad and Noah, but it's not the same."
I've never heard him speak openly of his feelings for his brother. It reassures me in some abstract way that I'm doing the right thing by coming to see him. "You've never been in love with a woman?"
The corner of his mouth jets up into a small smile. "No. I've cared for women but it was mostly related to sex. I'd keep my feelings out of it."
I admire the emotional control he has. I'm the exact opposite. Although I haven't ever loved anyone beyond Parker, I've cared deeply for two other men. I felt I could have fallen desperately in love with either but the circumstances never worked out that way. What I feel now, for Ben, is different. I want to express that but it's so jumbled together with the confusion that still lingers from the weekend and our encounter in Boston. I'm not ready to pour my heart out.
"Do you remember when we met on the airplane?"
My eyes dart over his face when he asks the question. "Of course I do, Ben."
"I was sitting in first class when you boarded." He scrubs the back of his neck with his hand. "You walked right past me."
"What?" I tap my hand against his knee. "You were not."
"I was," he confesses with a blush. "You stepped on to the plane and…" He blows a heavy gust of air out between his lips.