I'm insightful enough to understand that neither of the twins was prepared for their mother's death. Despite the fact that she'd been struggling with her health for weeks, her death hit them both with the impact of a sledgehammer. It threw their entire family into an emotional tailspin that they've yet to recover from. I don’t respond because I can't find the words to describe the sorrow I feel for them both.
"Ben didn't say much after she died. He shut down." He exhales quickly. "The police tried talking to him and he kept saying that he killed her."
The stress of knowing that he hadn't checked her oxygen tank is still a heavy burden that Ben carries with him. I can't imagine what that felt like on the shoulders of a teenage boy. "He felt guilty."
"That night changed all of our lives." His face pales. "Ben lost all his scholarships. He couldn't go to the school he wanted to."
I didn’t know that. I had assumed that after he was released, that he'd thrown himself into his studies. "He's never talked about that."
"His life fell apart." His breath hisses out. "It was all so messed up. I couldn’t stand the sight of him so he left to go live with my grandparents."
My heart aches at the thought of Ben's life being thrown so off course because of what happened that day. "He's built a good life for himself."
He doesn’t acknowledge my statement at all. "He wrote me letters after he moved in with them, but I ripped them up. I never read one. I wanted nothing to do with him."
"He's a good person who made a horrible mistake." I stand up. I need air. I have to get out of here. "He has to live with what he did every single day."
"I do too," he whispers as I turn to walk away. "I do too, Kayla."
Chapter 13
"Are you ever going to tell me what kind of doctor you are?" I push on his knee under the small table with my own.
"I'm a very…"
I dart my hand into the air and push it against his lips. "Don't say you're a very good doctor, Ben. I want a real answer."
He pushes my hand into his lips, giving my palm a most kiss. "It's a real answer."
"I want the scientific answer," I wince when I say the words. "No, that's not what I meant."
He chuckles at my obvious lack of knowledge. "I'm a primary care physician."
I'm not up on the medical lingo that I should be considering I'm sleeping with a doctor. "What exactly does that mean?"
He squeezes my hand in his. "It means I work in the emergency room and I like it there."
"You'll always work there?"
"Not forever." His eyes flit over my shoulder to the entrance of the cafeteria. "For now it's where I want to be."
I don’t probe more because he hasn’t ever offered details about his work. I'd imagined that his drive to be a doctor was triggered by his mother's illness and the guilt he still carries because of her death, but that might be my overly active imagination pushing those two events together.
"Let's talk about your work."
"Let's not." I push my back into the uncomfortable chair. I've spent the majority of the past week organizing Vivian's file cabinet. It's taxing, boring and makes each day longer than the previous one. I'm looking forward to getting back to school part-time mainly because I need more stimulation for my brain.
"Don’t say I never asked about it." He playfully tips his chin across the table at me. "What else has been going on in your life lately? You're still part of Noah's wedding party?"
It's a question that is too shallow considering the depth of the turmoil that surrounds his brother and him. I hate talking about the wedding. We haven't discussed how utterly fucked up it is that I'm going to his twin brother's wedding and he's not. I want to invite him. I want the past to wash under a bridge so that Ben can be there to congratulate his brother as he starts on the path to wedded bliss. It's an impossible situation that I'm stuck in the middle of. "I'm still part of that, yes."
"How does that make you feel?"
Like shit.
That's what I want to say. I feel anxious and nervous about it. I cringe when I know that I have to see Lex now to discuss the music, menu or what the place cards should look like. Every time she hugs me I feel a drive to confess my deepest secrets which all involve her soon-to-be husband and his twin brother. It's no wonder she chose Sadie to be her matron-of-honor. I'm a horrible friend to her but I can't tell Ben that so instead I say, "I want Lex to be happy so I'll do what I can to make the wedding perfect."
Liar, Kayla. You did that way too easily.