I didn’t actually kill him.
“What happened?” my mother prods gently.
“I drank his blood. It didn’t kill him but…he knew. He knew what I was. And Solon was there.”
“So Absolon killed him,” my dad says coldly.
“Yes. He did. He broke his neck.” I close my eyes at the awful image, at the horrible sound. “I know why he did it but…”
“You didn’t kill Matt, Lenore,” my mother says firmly. “Absolon did.”
“He wouldn’t have had I not done what I did, had I been able to control myself, if I wasn’t such a fucking monster!”
“Lenore,” my father says, squeezing my hand tight enough so that I look at him. “You aren’t a monster. You’re figuring it all out as you go. You don’t know yet how to balance both sides, but you will figure that out in time. Until then, you’re going to make a lot of mistakes. Some of these mistakes…may feel too heavy and large to bear. But please know, you didn’t kill Matt. Absolon did. That was his choice. He could have found another way, but in the end, he is who he is. I think we both know who the real monster is.”
I shake my head. “He’s not a monster. He’s…someone trying to deal with his dark side on a daily basis.”
“Then isn’t that what you are?” my mother says. “Isn’t that what we all are? Lenore, we’re no angels. We kill vampires. That’s what we do. Now, vampires are alive? aren’t they? Just as you’re alive? They breathe and they eat and they sleep and they feel and they love. Just as you love.” I swallow and she gives me a sympathetic smile. “I know you’re in love with him. I wish to the Goddess that you weren’t, because this is going to be a long and complicated road for you, but I know you are and I know you can’t fight it, no matter what we might say.”
“Look,” my father goes on, glancing at my mother for a moment, giving her a sad smile, “we do what we have to do. We kill vampires that pose a threat to us and humanity. We don’t take pleasure in it, and it doesn’t make us feel good either. This is a tough world you’re born into, and born into yet again. We all do things that hurt at the time, even if they’re right, and sometimes they aren’t right at all. Sometimes it’s just this endless gray area we have to muddle through. So please, don’t hate yourself for this.”
He gives my hand another squeeze. “And it’s unfortunate that Matt is dead, it really is, and you’re going to grieve and grapple with this the same way you did with Elle. But please don’t dwell on the darkness within you. It will only invite it out to play, it will only drag you down to its depths. You don’t want that, not when you know you have black magic in you. To invite it into your life would…would be a mistake. A big mistake. You might be seduced by the power it provides and that means you might never come back to the light that you are.”
“Sweetie,” my mother says, kissing me on the cheek, “we are both just so relieved that you came to us, that you are grappling with your morality and humanity, because that’s what being human is. To not feel anything at all…that’s when we’d truly have to worry.”
“I wish I didn’t feel,” I mumble, my heart still sinking under all the excess weight. “I wish I could just…be free from it.”
“No, you don’t,” my father says firmly. “Because that’s what separates those with a soul from those who don’t have one. The remorse is good. The pain is good. Accept it, deal with it, but don’t revel in it and don’t push it away.”
I close my eyes and think about Solon. I think about all the skulls he keeps, the reminders of what he is. How he needs to feel that remorse and guilt and shame in order to keep himself in check, no matter how awful it makes him feel. It would be so much easier for him to not feel anything at all. And yet he chooses that pain, because it keeps him human—even though he’s not.
“Solon hates me,” I blurt out suddenly, another tear rolling down my cheek.
“Hates you?” my mother repeats. “What makes you say that?”
“Because,” I tell her, wiping the tear away angrily, “I did what I did. He warned me. He told me I shouldn’t be out in public, that I might need to feed, and I thought I was fine. I didn’t listen. And then I did something so stupid, putting us both at risk, and I made him make the choice to kill him. I know he didn’t want to. He has a conscious and a heart, I know it. And then I drank Matt’s blood and…”
They both fall silent for a beat.
“I see,” my mother eventually says. “I’m guessing he’s your typical vampire then, as territorial as they come.”
“And yet he’s not typical at all. He’s…”
He’s unlike the rest of them, unlike any other creature on this planet.
He’s everything to me.
“Does he love you?” my father asks me.
I nearly gasp at the idea.
I press my lips together, my chest growing tight. “I don’t know. I don’t think so. I know he was in love once and…I think he’s doing everything he can to not go down that path again. Like he’s turned that part of him off. His heart…I think he prefers it cold.”
“That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you,” my mother says softly, brushing my hair off my face. “Listen, I hate the idea of him having feelings for you, Lenore, but he does. I may not know him well enough to know what feelings those are exactly, but they are there. I saw them. And they go farther than just being an obsessive and controlling vampire. It’s deeper than that. If it’s not love, maybe it will be. Maybe he’s capable—and willing—of that.”
I give her a wry look. “Almost sounds like you want that to happen.”
She makes a face. “I know what it sounds like, believe me. But at the same time, it would be better if he loved you. I’d sleep easier at night.”