Except, right now, I'm noticing everything. I notice the sound my window makes. I notice the creak in the floor as I walk across it. I notice the way Anna breathes when we're in a room together. I notice the way she eyes me, and how when I look at her, she turns away pretending she never was.
I notice the tension in the air. I notice the way my skin buzzes when I hear Anna coming up the stairs to the apartment, and how my ears ring when I hear her voice in the background.
Maybe I'm going crazy. I'm about to leave and travel halfway around the world to a foreign country, leaving the only girl I've ever cared about. This isn't as easy of a decision as she thinks, but she's acting as if I'm doing this to hurt her. I'm not.
Anna is treating me like I'm a piece of shit for following my dreams. The sad thing is, I don't even know if this is my dream anymore.
What will happen when I'm gone? What if she meets someone else and falls in love? What if she forgets all about me and I never see her again?
What if. . .
All these questions are making me second guess myself.
I don't know if I can do this. I need to talk to my sister.
“Betty,” I call out her name as I look around the living room.
“Why are you yelling? I'm right here,” she says as she bumps me with the nub of her crutch.
She's coming out of the kitchen with a plate of nachos and trying to navigate the short walk. Betty almost loses her balance, dropping a few loose tortilla chips on the floor.
“Let me help.” I take the plate from her and pick up the ones on the floor.
“Thanks,” she says as she reaches the couch and sits down. “I can't wait to have my leg back. This sucks.”
“I'm sure it does. It won't be long now, right?”
“Shouldn't be, maybe another week, if that. I have an appointment on Tuesday.” She slouches down on the couch and puts her legs up on the coffee table. “So, you must getting excited. You're leaving tomorrow morning, that's crazy.”
“Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that.”
“All right, what is it?”
“Honestly, I'm not sure if it's the right move right now in my life.”
“What? Why the hell not? You're a single guy, no kids, no reason to stay here. If anything, now's the perfect time. If you wait too long, this trip will end up being part of your midlife crisis one day.”
I chuckle as I lay my feet up on the coffee table and slouch beside her. Betty holds out the plate, offering me a nacho. I take one.
“I know that it seems like the perfect time for me to go, but what if it's not?”
Betty rolls her head on her shoulders and looks up at me. “I don't understand. How can it not be? What possible reason could you have not to go?”
My eyes steady on hers, the words sitting on the back of my tongue. I'm just not sure how to get them out. “What if I told you I had a very good reason.”
“Your version of good reason and mine are probably very different. What is it?” she asks, her eyes firmly set on mine.
I still can't tell her. There's a heaviness on my chest and a frog in my throat making it impossible to talk.
“Oh my god,” she says, her eyes growing wide. “It's a girl, isn't it? You met someone and that's why you're not sure.” Betty slaps my arm as she laughs out loud. “Are you fucking kidding me? You actually met a girl and remember her name?”
“Fuck, Bet, you say it like it's a shock. Did you think I'd never meet anyone?”
“No. You meet plenty of girls, I know that. I just never thought you'd meet someone who you'd remember.”
“Come on, this is serious.”
“Okay, I'm sorry. Well, who is she?” She pops a nacho in her mouth and holds up her hand as she says, “And please don't tell me that she's some girl you met in a bar two nights ago and you think you're in love.”
“It's nothing like that.”
“Then spit it out already. Tell me about this girl who stole my brother's heart. Because I'll be honest with you, I'm really curious. You've never had a steady a girlfriend. Not one. I don't think you've ever dated anyone longer than a week.”
“Well, I met her about a month ago.”
“Oh okay, so right after moving in here. Does she work here in the city?”
“She did.”
Fuck, Dash! Spit it out already!
I'm trying so damn hard to just tell her that I'm falling for Anna. It's Anna that's making me question myself. It's Anna that's making my heart beat and my emotions go all haywire.