“What the hell?” Selena muttered, staring at the strange arrangement. Had she somehow gotten someplace else besides the restroom by accident? She must have, she concluded. Though she had no idea what function this weird little room served, it couldn’t be for relieving oneself.
But just as she was about to turn and leave, the wall across from the door lit up and a holographic display began dancing through the air.
“What in the world?” Selena stared at the little holos as they jigged stiffly in front of her in a repeating loop.
The first holo showed a curvy pink female figure standing with her legs spread over the drain. The second holo figure squatted down, knees still spread wide and grabbed two handles that suddenly appeared on opposite walls. In the third holo, the pink figure began to emit a stream of bright purple from her crotch—clearly a stream of urine—although, did the Ma’shorkans really pee purple? Selena decided she didn’t want to know. As the little figure continued to squat, the urine went down the drain she was hovering over in a thin purple stream.
In the fourth holo, a long, thin nozzle rose from the center of the drain and shot a stream of what might have been blue water at the female figure’s crotch.
“What?” Selena exclaimed, watching this with a frown. “Are you serious?”
The holo display just kept going on, ignoring her exclamation. The next image showed curly lines of what she supposed were meant to be hot air emanating from the round drain grate, apparently drying the female figure off.
Then the whole holo display began again.
“Oh, I don’t think so!” Selena muttered to herself. In order to relieve herself in the way the holo display had indicated, she would have to take off her clothes and squat naked in the strange bathroom—she had no intention of doing that in such a busy, public, alien place! She had been planning to change once she got to the spaceport but now it didn’t seem quite safe—better to wait until she got to Jess’s home, she decided.
“Thanks, but no thanks. I’ll hold it,” she said, taking a firmer grip on her violin case and carry-all cube. “I don’t have to go that bad.”
As she spoke, she stepped on the round grate covering the drain. She was meaning to turn and go, but the moment her foot touched the metal grate in the middle of the small room, a mechanical female voice said,
“Elimination station activated. One. Please remove your clothing in preparation for elimination.”
“What?” Selena gasped. “Um, no—no thanks!” she said loudly, hoping that the bathroom stall would hear and understand. “No, I just want to leave—I don’t have to go, after all.”
“Two,” the mechanical voice intoned. “Please seize the handles on either side of you and squat with your crotch directly over the center of the drain.”
“No—no!” Selena insisted, even as two thick metal handles suddenly popped out of the walls on either side of her. “Listen, you don’t understand—I’m leaving now!”
Quickly, she transferred her violin case from her right hand, tucking it under her left arm instead, and grabbed for the door latch.
But it wouldn’t budge, even a millimeter. Though she tugged and tugged on the door latch, the door stayed firmly closed.
Selena hammered on the door.
“Hey, help—I need to get out of here!” she cried. “Does anybody know how to open the door and stop the, uh, elimination sequence?”
She got no answer from the other side of the firmly shut door. Instead, the mechanical voice said,
“Three. Now that you have finished relieving yourself, prepare for the cleansing spray.”
“No!” Selena insisted but just then a long, thin nozzle poked up from the center of the drain and shot a fountain of blue liquid high into the air.
“Oh my God!” Selena gasped and tried to cover her head with her free arm. The blue stuff jetted up with the force of a fire hose and went everywhere, hitting the low ceiling and raining down on her with an aggressively spring-clean scent.
She was incredibly glad that her violin’s traveling case was waterproof—although who knew if this was even water? And why did the jet need to be so strong? Did the Ma’shorkans have industrial-sized hoo-hahs or what?
“Four,” the mechanical voice said. “Prepare your crotchal area for maximum aeration.”
Crotchal area? Is that a thing? Am I hearing that right or is it a problem with my translation bacteria? And what does “maximum aeration” even mean? Selena thought.
And then the spray stopped and a hot wind suddenly gusted out of the round drain hole.
Selena’s entire body felt buffeted by the strong gusts and her hair was flying all around her face—it felt like a giant with a huge hairdryer set on high was standing under the drain and blasting hot air up at her.
She pressed herself against the wall, trying to stay out of the mini-hurricane, but she couldn’t escape. What the hell was wrong with the Ma’shorkans, making such an aggressive bathroom, anyway? And when was this ever going to end?