“Every working cell in my brain is telling me I have no right to keep you from leaving me, but the thought of letting you go makes me sick.”
Her heart took a stumbling leap in her chest. She caught back any jumps of joy. It was Lucy he was worrying about losing. Lucy, and maybe a passionate bedmate and a scrupulously organized life.
“I...” She trailed off, realizing she’d been so focused on how anguished she felt, she hadn’t noticed how broken he looked. If he’d slept since they’d been in Paris, it hadn’t been much. He looked as if he’d aged and his shadow of stubble gave her that same old desire to smooth her hand on his rough cheek.
“Miranda had the bracelet,” he spit out, as though the words were so bitter he could hardly keep them in his mouth. “I went to New York to confront her. When you threw her name at me in Paris, I realized immediately it was something she would do. She borrowed it for a night out and forgot to return it.” He added in a mutter that his stepsister was a “bloody scatterbrain.”
Sirena winced, glad to have the question answered, but in the big scheme of things, what did it matter? He had said he didn’t think she’d taken it, but he’d had to go all the way to New York to have it confirmed. That hurt. Blinking, she fought back the burn of head-to-toe agony, willing her mouth to stay steady and the constriction in her chest to ease, but she didn’t know what to say.
“No more nightmares, all right?” he said gruffly. “It’s resolved. You’re not in danger of going to prison. I’m never going to try putting you there and I won’t let anyone else do it. Do you understand that, Sirena? That threat is gone. Forever.”
His implacable tone and the way he tried to impose his will on her was so endearingly familiar she wanted to cry. She shrugged a fake acceptance, because what did he know about it? She woke up crying because the bed was empty beside her. He wanted to live apart. Her life was missing a giant, ornery, wonderful piece and she could barely stand here absorbing his closeness, knowing they’d never again be close.
“I’ve caused you so much pain, haven’t I? And why? Because I was afraid to feel any!” He knocked his fist into his chest with self-disgusted violence, making her start. His ragged voice held her very still, frightened, but not of him. Of how angry he was with himself. He was deeply agonized and it both startled and shook her.
“You were right when you said I was looking for every reason to keep you from affecting me. Your nightmares are my punishment. Tell me they’re over now, Sin, because they’re beyond anything I can stand. Every night I’m confronted by what a thoughtless, cruel bastard I was to you. How I let you down so grossly. When I think of what I tried to do when you were so fragile, killing yourself to keep our child—”
“Don’t,” she urged, rushing forward a few steps, anguished by how tormented he was. His remorse was too intense to witness.
“It was worse being away from you, not there to wake you,” he said with a dazed affliction. His voice was like someone whose spirit was dead. “I only left because I wanted the mystery solved once and for all, so you’d finally sleep peacefully again. I was arranging the flight, anxious to get here and ease your mind, when your damned agent called and I learned you never intended to let me share your bed again.”
“The dreams weren’t that bad—”
“Don’t downplay what I did to you!” His near shout made her jump again and he ran a hand over his face, visibly trying to bring himself back under control. “Damn it, do you ever think of yourself? That generosity of yours is exactly what gets to me and makes you necessary in my life every second of every day.” His hand came out in a plea. “I’ve always been aware of it, but I never valued it the way I should have. It’s why you risked your job to help your sister. I should have seen you’d never do something like that for personal gain. I didn’t need protecting from you. It was the other way around.” His face twisted with agony. “Don’t let your soft heart forgive me. I don’t deserve it. Make me live six floors apart from you and suffer like a soul in hell.”
For all the jagged pain in his voice, there was a shred of hope in his eyes. He was looking at her as though she were a lifeline just beyond his reach.
She began to tremble, so confused and shaken she could only blurt, “I can’t. I want to live with you. You’re the one who brought up divorce. You’re the one who put me on a plane and sent me away! The nightmares are about you not loving me and I love you so much I can’t bear it!” She had to bury her face in her hands then because she was revealing too much. This swell of emotions was too much to hold inside.
Hard hands bit into her arms and she was crushed into his chest. His ragged groan vibrated through her as he held her so hard she thought he’d splice them into hybrid branches on a single trunk. A moan of relief from pain escaped her and she let her hands close on his back in pinching handfuls that had to hurt, but she was ravaged by such deep emotions she needed this embrace to keep from splintering into pieces.
“I love you, Sin. I’ve been sick without you and all I could think about was my father feeling this way and how deep his pain must have been at not having the woman he loved. It’s even worse when I had her and ruined everything...”
“No, you didn’t,” she moaned and cradled his stubbled face to bring his mouth to hers, cutting off his self-recrimination with a tender kiss, wanting to taste that glorious word he’d used.
He opened his mouth on hers with a groan of greed. Their chemistry flared, but it was so much more. They kissed with aching hunger, shuffling to press tighter, thighs weaving, hips rubbing with shiver-inducing friction.
Cupping her head, he drew his own back, hissing a breath at the ceiling. “I’m not taking you on a damned concrete floor where anyone could walk in.”
The landing at the top of the stairs caught his gaze and for a second he considered... When he glanced at his wife, she was bringing her sultry gaze back from the same direction. Her body leaned with heart-swelling pliancy against his.
Tempted nearly to breaking point, he hugged her close and reminded himself how incredibly lucky he was to have this second chance. No way was he screwing it up.
Pressing a kiss to her temple, he said, “I don’t deserve you. Let me try to do something right, rather than repeat Oxshott.”
Her gaze fell and he feared she took it as rejection, even though he wasn’t able to quit stroking her, filling his hands with the reality of her when he’d been sure they were over.
“I liked Oxshott,” she murmured, pouted lips nearly touching his breastbone.
“I loved Oxshott,” he said softly, stroking her hair back from her face and looking into her eyes, so moved, so bewildered she could love him, he could barely find words.
“I love you,” he repeated, even though it was an inadequate description of the depth of regard and adoration he felt toward her.
A misty look came over her face, but a specter moved behind the gaze she lowered. “You don’t have to say it if it’s not true. I still want to live with you.”
“It’s not a conscious choice, Sin,” he snorted softly. Looking back on how hard he’d fought against feeling this way put a chill in his blood.
“But you’re not happy.” Her bottom lip moved unsteadily until she caught it in her teeth.
“It hasn’t been a comfortable journey, but right now I couldn’t be happier.”
Her mouth twitched and she nudged against the erection imprinting her abdomen. Her brow cocked as though to ask, are you sure about that?
On the verge of becoming distracted, he cupped her jaw, urging her with a caress of her peach-flushed cheek to look into his eyes. This was too important. He saw the hesitancy and vulnerability she was trying to hide behind her flirty smile. His heart lurched.
“I want to make love to you so much I can hardly breathe.” A pleasant shiver chased over him at the mere thought of burying himself in her. “Holding you and touching you is the most incredible experience of my life.” He caressed her almost convulsively, reassuring himself that he was touching this beautiful woman who meant so much to him. “I was really scared, Sin. I didn’t know how I was going to convince you to give me another shot.”
Something stark flashed in her eyes before she ducked her head. “I’ve loved you from practically the minute we met. You’re the only man I’ll ever want to be with.”
Loyal to a fault and so emotionally brave. He would be a lonely coward if he didn’t emulate her.
“And you’re the only woman I can imagine spending my life with. You believe that, don’t you?” he prompted, rather desperate to know her subconscious wouldn’t put her through the wringer ever again.
“Of course,” she said, adding cheekily, “I have Lucy.”
“Don’t joke.” He leaned back a fraction, waiting for her chastised gaze to come up to his. “I mean it. I want to spend my life with you. I want to marry you. A proper wedding this time. Your dad can give you away...”
She shook her head, trying to forestall him.