Laurel. Blech.
“I miss you.” His voice was urgent now. “I was stupidly consumed with work, and school, and—”
“And you’re not now?” My voice is skeptical.
“Those things are always going to be important to me, but I realize now that I need balance. I…God, this sounds cliché. I didn’t know how much I needed you—loved you—until you weren’t there.”
I don’t exactly swoon, but his words definitely make me feel warm. What I wouldn’t have given to hear them before I hopped into bed with Ben Olsen.
“I do love you, Parker. That never stopped. I know that now.”
I go from warm to toasty warm, and I swallow, realizing how much I want this. Want someone to love me and need me and want me.
His fingers squeeze mine. “I want another chance. With you. And I don’t want to just pick up where we left off, I want to start fresh.”
I shake my head, indicating that I don’t understand. I sense that I’m missing whatever he’s trying to tell me.
Lance’s other hand comes up so he’s holding my hand with both of his. “I want you to move in. With me.”
I stare at him. “Come again?”
His smile is rueful. “Look, I get that Ben’s your friend, and it’s totally cool that you guys were roommates back in college, but I want to have a grown-up relationship with you, Parker. And we can’t do that with you living with another man. If I’m really being honest, I think that was part of the reason I had a hard time committing to you all the way.”
I frown. “But you…you were never jealous of Ben. Right?”
“Not jealous, no. I get that there was nothing between you but friendship, and you’re more like brother and sister….”
I look away, hoping he doesn’t see the guilt on my face.
“It’s just—” He breaks off as though trying to think of the right words. “You know, like if Ben and I were in two different car accidents and were at different hospitals…I was never really clear on which one of us you’d come visit first.”
“That’s…gruesome,” I say.
It’s a deliberate nonanswer to his hypothetical scenario, and I hope he doesn’t notice.
“You know what I mean,” he says with a half smile. “A guy wants to come first.”
I freeze as the simplicity of his statement hits home. He’s exactly right, but the implications are staggering.
Because it means that Ben and I can’t keep just going along like we are. We both deserve to have an all-encompassing, all-consuming love, and we’re not going to do that as long as we’re clinging so desperately to each other.
And when I mentally reorient myself, I feel something click into place: the realization that my mom and Lance are absolutely right.
Ben and I can’t keep just going along like we are. We both deserve to have an all-encompassing, all-consuming love, and we’re not going to do that so long as we’re clinging so desperately to each other.
Lance is also right in that we’re all grown-ups. The platonic, buddy-buddy thing was cute and fun in college, but I’ll be twenty-five in a couple months. Hardly old, but old enough to know that I want something real.
I want what I have with Ben—the laughter, and the commitment, and someone to talk my problems over with….
But I want the other stuff, too. The flowers on Valentine’s Day, the kisses in public, the eventual ring on the fourth finger.
I want someone who will hold my hand at the mall or at Starbucks. Not someone who will only ever touch me on a quiet deserted beach at midnight.
“What do you say, Parker?” Lance’s voice is pleading now. “Move in with me?”
Chapter 24
Ben