But then my dad’s face comes into mind and I imagine how scathing he’ll be if I tell him that I want to make a long distance relationship work. He won’t be impressed when I keep letting him down on projects because I want to see Lola. He’ll give me crap all the time, I’ll never hear the end of it. He’ll start pushing me back in the company because he knows that I won’t be fully focused. This is a classic case of love verses career and I don’t know what to do. I know my father made mistakes when he picked career, but I can’t exactly do nothing.
“I don’t know.” I snatch my hands away and run one of them through my hair. The stress is back, rolling through my shoulders and neck, making me feel sick. I should have stayed in tonight. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, do you?”
“Well… why not?” All the color drains from her face while she waits for me to answer.
“Because that was never in the plan, was it? We never went into this as a long term thing. It was going to be fun for the both of us, just while I’m here. Then we go our separate ways, no questions asked.” I wave my hands around a little manically as I talk.
“We never discussed that,” she says with a head shake. “And things can change anyway, can’t they? We can develop feelings for one another.”
She has feelings for me. I don’t need to question that, I can see it written all over her face. I have feelings for her too, but that doesn’t make any of this less complicated. This is a mess.
“I don’t know about that,” I reply in a hollow sounding voice. I gulp, I can barely think right now. “I don’t know about any of it.”
“You don’t know if you have feelings for me?” Lola falls backwards, looking incredibly hurt. “I see, I didn’t realize. I just thought… with all the nice stuff that you’ve been doing for me… I thought that we were on the same page…”
I shake my head, but not because I disagree with her, because I can’t believe this is happening. I knew I shouldn’t come out, I could feel it, but I got sucked in because of Lola’s sweetness anyway. I got dragged along by her and now we’re stuck in this awful row.
“I don’t know what page you’re on, and I don’t know what page I’m on either. This is all just too much. You’ve thrown this at me without me being prepared at all. I don’t know how you expect me to react.”
Lola’s cheeks turn a funny shade of red and I can see that I’ve pushed her too far. “I’m pressuring you now? I thought that we were just having an adult conversation about things. I didn’t realize this was the sort of thing where I cannot say how I feel.”
I roll my eyes. The fire is back, but now I can’t be dealing with it. I just want something in my life to be easy. “It isn’t that. Don’t be that way, Lola…”
“I think you should leave.” She steps back even further away from me and indicates towards the door. “You didn’t want to come tonight anyway, so why don’t you just leave.”
I part my lips, desperately wanting to say all kinds of different things but nothing comes out. Maybe this is the best way. I don’t want to end a magical few months with an argument, but I suppose it creates a clean break. It’ll certainly be much simpler than trying to navigate a long distance relationship that’s doomed from the start.
“Fine, I will go. If that’s what you want, Lola, that’s what you’ll get.”
I gather myself up and head away from her. I try to keep my eyes fixed forwards as I move so I only think of the future and not the present that’s very quickly edging towards becoming my past, but at the last moment I can’t resist turning just to check. Her wide eyes are filled with sadness and tears, I can see that as soon as I walk out of here, she’ll fall apart which I feel horrible for… but how can I make this any easier? We both knew when we got into this that it would end this way. All we had to do was keep feelings out of it.
It’s safe to say that we failed.
Goodbye, Lola, I think in my head as I pull away from her. I know I should probably say those words aloud, but I just can’t find the ability to do so. I don’t want to make this any more painful than it already is. From this moment on, we will never see each other again.
We can’t. I have to keep strong. I have to leave this town as soon as I can and I can’t get dragged back in. Now that I’ve decided that this is the end, it can’t be anything else. We both have to move on, we both need to get back to real life, it’s the only option we have.
“Just go,” she spits out to my back, seemingly sensing the same thing as me. “Go and don’t come back. This is done here, we’re finished.”
***
I rub my sleepy eyes as I shove the rest of my stuff in my suitcase. After a night of tossing and turning and absolutely no sleep at all, I only know one thing. I need to get out of here now. I cannot spend another minute in this damn place. I just can’t do it. I’ll pop in to the building site on my way home and leave to make sure everything is under control, but I’m pretty sure that Hank has it much better than me anyway.
Have I got everything? I ask myself desperately as I look around the motel room. I’ll be glad to put this horrible room behind me forever. Am I ready to go?
Maybe I should go to Lola’s house to say a proper goodbye to her so we don’t have to end on a sour note, but I know that I’m weak, I know I’ll get sucked back in without much effort. This sucks, but it’s the way that it has to be. Even the thought of her face in my sleepy mind makes me feel a bit dizzy and sick. I just want to hold her, I want to wrap my arms around her and claim her as my own forever more, but I can’t give her false hope. I can’t delve into this feet first, especially when it can’t become something real.
I fiddle with my car keys in my pocket as I finish checking the place, waiting for my escape, then with a deep sigh I leave it all behind. I step out into the cool, fresh morning air and I slam the door behind me with a loud bang. It’s not a relieving sensation, but it’s what I have to do. The mixed up feeling that races through my body continues as I make my way to the reception desk and I check out, then it carries on as I get into the car.
I don’t look behind me as I pull away, I don’t even glance in the rear view mirror. I also make sure that I take the long way around so I don’t pass Lola’s home. There’s that familiar pull in my chest drawing me in, but today I’m strong enough not to follow through.
I’m picking my career over love.
Yes, okay so I know that there’s a chance that I might regret it at some point, but I have all my life to fall in love. I don’t think that Lola will be the only one for me, I don’t think that I’ll only fall in love once. I can use this as a learn
ing curve to make it better in the future. She will just be a memory in my mind, a lovely few months, and I hope that once the hurt has passed for her, she will see me the same way.
I turn the music up as I get towards the building site because I’m trying to block out all of my emotions. I don’t want to think about Lola now, I just want to get this done. As I pull the car to a halt, I can see Hank and Archie already there which is good. I can get this done with just those two so there isn’t any unnecessary drama. I get that big fake smile on my face and I step out to greet them.