“I’m fine,” I lie, despite the fact that I’ve been really sad for over a week now. I don’t want to upset him since he’s still quite frail. “How are you doing?”
“Oh you know me.” He smiles through the pain. “I’m used to it, I’ll keep on going.” He cocks his head and examines me closely. “But what’s going on with you? I know that you’ve just said nothing but I really don’t believe you. I know you better than that.”
I can’t even make myself smile. I know I probably should, to reassure him, but I’m too physically and emotionally exhausted to fake it. “I’ll be fine too. I’m resilient like you.”
I move into the kitchen to make a hot drink for me and Dad. I feel like we both could use some caffeine right now. I flick it on and watch it boil, all while my mind is reeling at a million miles an hour. At the moment, I’m the lowest that I’ve ever been. I don’t know if I’ll ever be happy again. To anyone else, that might sound dramatic but to me it feels impossible. Everywhere I look I see a reminder of the man I fell in love with, the man I offered myself to on a plate, and the man that I wasn’t good enough for. Even when we argued I didn’t mean what I said. I certainly didn’t think he’d skip town without saying goodbye.
No, I think as a tear streams down my cheek. I can’t think about him now. He’s gone and it’s just me and Dad left. I have to be here for him.
I take a deep sigh once the drinks are made and I try to keep some strength in myself. Then I finally brave, heading back into the living room to face my perceptive father again.
“I have a coffee for you here.” I put it down in front of him but he doesn’t immediately take it. “I hope that’s okay for you? I can make tea if you’d prefer.”
“No, no, coffee is fine.” He stares at me intently as if he’s trying to read me. I shift uncomfortably under his gaze. “Lola, can I ask you something?”
No, please don’t! Leave me alone, leave me to my misery, I think as I take a big sip of my drink. “Sure,” I say aloud.
“What happened to the long distance man?”
Oh God. My heart falls. I can feel the tears burning behind my eyes once more. I
have spent far too long crying over this man, I don’t want to do it again. “He’s gone,” I rasp thickly. I want that to be the end of it, but of course it isn’t.
“Gone where?” Dad leans forward as if he wants to get closer to me.
“He’s gone home. He went back to the city and that’s the end of it.”
“How do you know that’s the end? Like I said, me and your mother managed to make it work. It wasn’t easy, but we did it.”
The tears fall, I can’t stop them anymore. “The difference is that you both wanted it to happen.” I brush the wetness away angrily. “I can’t change the way he feels so that’s that.”
It is what it is… urgh, I hate that God damn saying.
Dad slumps back in his chair looking defeated. I hate to see that disappointed look on his face, but at least he knows now. He knows that me and Brandon are done and there isn’t any coming back from it. My heart might be shattered into a million pieces in my chest but there isn’t anything that can put it back together. There’s no hope, it’s done.
“He left without saying goodbye.” I put the final nail in the coffin. “We argued when I suggested that we do the long distance thing and the following morning he was gone.”
“But you both seemed to make each other so happy. I don’t understand it.”
“No.” I stand up, unable to deal with this for another second longer. “I don’t understand it either, but there you go. His life in the city, his career, everything must be more important than me.”
I want to make a comment about being left behind again, just like I was when it came to Rory, but I don’t. I don’t want him to blame himself for holding me back, just like Mom would have done if she’d known. It isn’t their fault, I’m the one who wants to remain behind to help them. It’s all on me.
“Well I must have been wrong then,” Dad says with a shake of his head. “I’m sorry. I thought I saw something there, that’s all.”
A thick ball of emotion lodges in my throat, which makes me feel like I might vomit at any time. I can hardly breathe, it’s horrible, I don’t know what to do. “Well, you didn’t.”
I take my mug into the kitchen and toss the rest of my drink down the sink because I can’t stand to drink it. I lean over the sink and gasp desperately as the emotion washes over me in powerful waves. It feels like everything is closing in on me, that the world is crushing me. I need air, I need space, I need to be by myself.
“I’m going out,” I gasp loudly to Dad. “I just need to… to head to the shops. I’ll be back soon, okay?”
“Are you okay? Have I said something to upset you?” he calls after me. “I’m sorry, Lola…”
But I close the door behind me so he can’t hear me cry. Then I move my feet rapidly, I don’t have a direction in mind, I just keep on going until I’m far, far away.
***
“Oh my God,” I mutter in sheer shock as I stumble across the place I never intended to go, but at the same time was where my footsteps have been taking me ever since I first left the house. “What the hell…?”