The idea of seeing her face again makes my heart beat faster in my chest. I know it’s wrong and that makes it even more tempting. All I want to do is throw myself at her mercy, to forget about what’s smart, but I do need to keep some distance. One of us needs to keep our head on.
“I don’t know if we should.” I run my fingers through my hair, tugging hard on the ends to give myself some physical pain as I hurt the both of us. “After what happened last time…”
“I know, I know, that wasn’t smart, but don’t you think we should discuss it?”
“Not if…” Urgh, I hate myself. “Not if we aren’t going to see each other again.”
She pauses for a moment too long, giving the cringe time to almost swallow me up whole. My feet pace up and down, to anyone else here I probably look like a crazy person but I really don’t care.
“Is that what you want?” she finally asks me. “To never see one another again?”
Of course, I want to, everything is screaming painfully inside of me to tell her yes, but I clench my lips together tightly to keep the words inside. But I explode, I can’t stop myself, the words fly out of my mouth without me even meaning to. It’s like word vomit pouring out.
“Yes, of course I want to see you again.” Damn it, I’m a freaking idiot! I face palm, knowing that I’ve made things even more complicated. “I mean, if you want to…”
“I do want to,” She giggles adorably. “So, would you come and see me again, please?”
I know I can’t reject her, not again. “Sure. At the motel again? Same room as before?”
“Not the motel. I want you to come to my house.” If the softness of her tone doesn’t melt me, her words do. She’s really inviting me into her life, her real life. “Is that okay? I know we don’t normally do that but I think this is a little bit different, don’t you?”
Different… different, like more. That’s what she means. She wants this to go further. It’s what I want too, but I don’t know if I can go for it. Things haven’t changed, I’m still an escort which means I can’t actually date. I’m also still young, which makes all of this pointless… but I want to try. Damn it, I can’t stop myself, I really want to give this a go. I want to know.
“I think…” I gulp desperately. “I think that’s a good idea. I think that we should talk.”
“Okay so if I text you my address, you’ll come? It doesn’t have to be for long…”
“I’ll come.” She really doesn’t need to worry about this. I’m definitely going to turn up because I need to know what she wants to talk about. If I don’t go, I’ll end up torturing myself for ever more, wondering how things would’ve been different if I’d just given me and Avril a try. “I’ll come now.”
I shake off any negative feelings as I hang up the phone and I make my way back into the room to get changed. I don’t know what’s going to happen next, but I do know it’ll be a game changer, one way or another. Seeing Avril will affect everything from here on out.
***
I stare at the door to Avril’s apartment with my heart racing against my rib cage. My fingers are itching to life up and knock but I’m afraid to actually take that step. I probably look like a creep out here in the middle of the night, dithering, but I still can’t make myself act.
All of a sudden, I don’t need to. The door swings open and she gives me a shocked look.
“Oh,” she gushes while clutching her hands to her chest. “I was just going to look for you, to see if you had any trouble finding the place. I didn’t realize you would be out here.”
I chuckle nervously, while stuffing my hands into my pockets awkwardly. I don’t know what to do now, this is all so strange. “Yeah, sorry I was just…” I can’t explain, it’s too hard.
“Come in.” Avril ushers me inside. “We’ll discuss it inside. It’s not hallway talk.”
As I walk through her apartment I scan my eyes everywhere, learning more about her as I go. My dorm room is dull. White and bland, filled with only the odd dirty item of clothing and text books. It’s purely practical, me and Tyler only have what we need. Avril is the complete opposite. She has funny looking trinkets everywhere, pieces of colorful art on the walls, and books and magazines scattered about the place. It’s very homely and sweet. It makes me like her even more.
“Your place is nice,” I comment, clearly trying to break the ice with small talk. “I like it.”
“Yeah, it’s small, I guess, but it’s good just for me.” She takes me into her living room slash kitchen and invites me to sit down. “Thank you for coming, Owen, it means a lot.”
It’s then I really look at her and I see the posh black dress she has on and the delicate waves in her blonde hair. I spot the professional looking make up dusted over her eyes and across her face, the glossy look of someone who has just stepped off the red carpet.
“Where have you been?” I have to ask. “I mean, you look really nice.”
“I’ve actually just been on a date with the co star in my movie.”
A lump of bile rises in my throat, all of a sudden I have a feeling that this conversation is going to go a very different way to what I want. I guess despite everything I hoped it would be a loving conversation where she told me that she liked me, but now it’s starting to seem like it might be a ‘thank you for teaching me how to be sexy, I’ve landed the man of my dreams because of it’ instead.
“You… you have?” I ask cautiously, trying to keep my emotional response locked away. I don’t want Avril to know how I’m feeling, how embarrassing! “And how did that go? Was it fun?”