I shake my head, refusing to get stuck on that thought until I know for sure. There’s just no way I can get lost down that rabbit hole of thought until I’ve seen that positive pregnancy test. All of this worry could be for nothing. There’s a big chance that I’m just sick, that it’s nothing more.
But somehow, I feel like I know...
“Bye, Tia,” I gush as I leave. She’s on the phone, probably calling Brian. I hope he comes in, I don’t want her to be left by herself, but right now this isn’t my top priority. Right now, I need to get to the nearest late night drug store.
I race through the busy streets, refusing to look at anyone as I go. I’m sure there’s a place on the corner that I might be able to get something from. My mind is on the prize, I can’t even consider anything else. My heart is racing, my stomach is churning, there’s an aching in my womb which right now feels suspiciously like a baby. Not that I know what it feels like to have a baby inside me of course. I’ve never been in this position before.
Oh thank God. The store is open so I rush inside. I head straight for the family planning aisle where I grab a handful of pregnancy tests. I know myself well enough to know that one won’t be enough. I won’t trust it if it does turn out positive. I need to be on the safe side. My eyes flick up to the sweaty, spotty teenage boy behind the counter and wonder how much he’s going to judge me. He probably sees things like this all the time, but not from me... maybe I should grab a few extra things, just so I don’t look like I’m just here for this.
Oh screw it, I am only here for this.
I decide to forgo embarrassment and to just go for it. Who the hell cares what this kid thinks of me? It isn’t like I’m going to see him ever again, I certainly don’t intend to make a habit of this. If the test turns out negative then I will always insist on protection. I won’t get into this pickle again, if I intend to get pregnant, that’s the only moment I will have sex with nothing.
“Here,” I grumble, chucking the boxes on the counter. “Can I get these?”
The boy doesn’t even look at me, much to my relief. He rings the items up and gives me the price. He must be more used to this than I thought. Maybe I’m the least interesting desperate pregnant lady that he’s ever come across. If that’s the case, then I’m actually glad to be boring.
With my paper bag of shame clutched to my chest, I break free from the drug store and I jump into a cab. Usually I would walk or get Ben to call me a car to get to his home, but I need to get back quickly and discretely. It’s worth the money for the cab so I can do these tests in the privacy of Ben’s bathroom... God, this situation is fucked up.
I shake my knees nervously all the drive along. The guy driving the cab probably thinks I’m a real weirdo. I don’t care though, I feel weird myself. It’s almost like I’m having an out of body experience, like I’m looking down at myself wondering how I managed to get myself in such a total mess.
Once I arrive at Ben’s, I leap out of the car and hand the driver the cash to pay for the ride. Then I race to the front door and I push my way inside. I pause for a second, listening out for any signs that anyone else is in but there’s a silence ringing through the house that suggests I’m alone. Thank goodness.
As I run to the bathroom I pull my cell phone out and I call the only person in the world that I want to discuss this with. I haven’t told her anything yet, I haven’t managed to speak to her since Ben finally said the L word to me, so this will come as a surprise, but I still want to chat with her.
I just hope that she answers.
Ring, ring... Ring, ring... Ring, ring...
“Hello? Serena, everything okay? Why are you ringing me so late?”
“Shit.” I look at the clock, it’s just gone one in the morning, Jenny was probably asleep. “Sorry, I didn’t look at the time.”
“It’s okay, I wasn’t quite in bed yet, I’ve just finished performing. What’s going on with you? You sound all... panicked.”
I lock myself in the bathroom, then I whisper my next words. “I think I might be pregnant.”
“Pregnant?” she screams on the other end. It’s a good job Ben isn’t it. Even if he didn’t hear me, he would have heard that wherever he is in the house. “You’re pregnant? But how? I didn’t even know you were dating anyone? What happened?”
“I... I am dating someone. Sort of.” God this is hard to explain. How do I say it aloud? “There’s a guy who I met at the club, on my first night of work actually.”
“Ooh, a rich guy.” Of course Jenny’s impressed with that bit. I know Ben has a lot of money but I guess I don’t really see him that way. He’s just Ben to me, I would like him whatever his bank statement was. “Nice!”
“Well I moved in with him when you left...”
“Wait, what?” Jenny sounds much less pleased now. “You moved in with him? But you must have known him for less than a week.”
“I know, it’s a bit weird, but it’s good. Really good.” I smile to myself. “We’re in love now. I love him.”
Jenny pauses for a second and I brace myself for the lecture that I’m already sure is coming. “Serena, I don’t know if I like this. It sounds a bit... crazy to me.”
“I know, but...” I try to interject, but Jenny isn’t about to let me get my words in.
“Serena, I think you have a bit of a dreamy nature.” She means naïve, I just know it. “And I think that might make you fall a bit too fast. You can’t have known one another more than, what, two months now? In total. And you love each other? Do you even know this guy? What if he’s one of those that falls fast then gets bored?”
There it is, my big fear back to torment me some more. I’m boring, much too boring for a man like Ben. My heart sinks as Jenny says this to me. Her opinion means way more to me than that of some chick that I don’t even know. Marie had an agenda. Jenny only cares about my well being.
“Oh God, and now you’re pregnant.”