“I’ll try to contain that.”
“Gah! Now, you’re yelling! My hea
d’s going to explode.”
I try to hold back my laugh, but it’s useless when she begins to smack her lips. “Maybe that last martini wasn’t such a smart idea.”
“Or possibly the seven you drank beforehand?”
“Damn Bizzy and Shaw.”
“Bizzy and Shaw didn’t pour the drinks down your throat.”
“No, but they encouraged it.”
“Hate to point it out, but you and Bizzy are unstoppable forces when you want to be. You’ve even converted Sweet Grace.”
“Sweet Grace my ass. She’s got you snowed. She’s the devil incarnated.”
“I’ll have to remember that.”
“I need to go to the bathroom.”
I move to place her feet on the floor, and she curves her knees at the last minute, going all the way to the floor. I try to help her up, but she bats my hands away, positioning on all fours.
Her right hand slides forward, followed by her knee, and she repeats with the left side. “What the hell are you doing?”
“Crawling,” she grumbles.
After thirty seconds, she’s only gotten about ten feet away, her elbows shaking and knees wobbling. “Let me carry you to the bathroom,” I offer.
“You can’t touch me. If you do, I may hurl all over your hardwood floors, and then I’ll hurl again thinking about cleaning up vomit. It will be an awful situation.”
“More awful than watching a grown woman attempting to crawl worse than my six-month-old niece?”
“You can leave now.”
“No way in hell. I’ve seen you do a lot of things hungover, but this is a first. You naked on all fours, your sweet ass in the air, crawling across my floor. I’m not missing this.”
“You. Are. A. Pig,” she sputters.
She grunts again, moving a little steadier, and finally hits the entry to the bathroom. “Victory!” she cries out.
I go to the kitchen to get what she’s going to need and hear a text notification.
Shaw— Therapy bills are racking up. Bizzy’s been puking since dawn.
Me— Probably not a good time to try deep throating.
Shaw— You’re an asshole.
Me— Why are you texting me? Take care of your wife and daughter.
Shaw— I’m trying, but she insisted I find out Claire’s reaction.
Me— No reaction yet. She’s currently nursing her own hangover.
Shaw— Give me something to tell her.