"Sorry." Not.
It's fine—-
Now that I have a good idea of where his invisible face is, I don't even wait for him to finish and simply swing up as hard and fast as I can.
Chapter Twenty-Five
I really thought hitting this divinely infuriating god would comfort me, but I just end up feeling even worse the moment I hear him grunt with pain.
That's one strong right hook you have there, moraki mou.
I try my hardest to smile, but all I'm able to do is mumble two words. "I'm sorry." Most gods would have killed me on the spot just for breathing a little too loud, but this one actually cracks a joke.
Invisible arms pull me into a warm embrace, and I start fighting back tears when the god's lips touch the top of my head. I hate myself for hurting him physically like that, and I hate myself even more that he continues to treat me with tenderness despite it.
Physical violence is never an excuse, not even when it's a woman hitting a man, and when I find myself recalling the cracking sound I heard as my fist connected with the god's jaw—-
Shit, shit, shit.
There's no way to stem the tide this time, and tears start trailing down my cheeks.
I am not worth your tears. You did nothing wrong.
I deserve what you did.
"Yes, you did," I can't help agreeing between sobs, "but I still shouldn't have done it."
You would never have done such a thing...if I had not hurt you first.
He's right, of course, but this only makes me cry harder. It's not that I'm particularly hurt or sad, but I think...there's simply too much happening all at once, and I just need to cry it all out.
I'm sorry, little bird.
The god sweeps me up in his arms, and I feel so weary and drained it doesn't even occur to me to resist. He lays me down on silken sheets, but I don't let go. I have so many questions to ask of him, and I just can't wait any longer. "Are you really the god behind Sub Rosa?"
Yes.
I kind of expected that, but it still makes my chest squeeze all the same. "Why did you hide it from me?"
A heartbeat of silence passes before I hear him answer.
Because I knew you would've hated it.
I consider denying it, but I can't. "I do hate it," I admit glumly. "I hate it very much."
There you go.
"What if I make you choose between me and the order?"
Are you going to ask it of me?
I consider lying again, but it's impossible. Maybe it's because there's been so much dishonesty lately, but in the end, all I can do is tell the truth. "No." Even if it puts me at a disadvantage, I just can't bear uttering another lie. "I'd never ask it of you."
There you go.
I know I'm supposed to be groveling a bit right now, but...
"I swear to God, if you say that one more time—-"
I'm sorry, moraki mou. I was only teasing you.
His words mollify me, but the moment I feel his lips brush against my forehead, my heart grows heavy, and I know it's time I stop delaying the inevitable. "I have something to tell you," I mutter jerkily. "Earlier, the professor and I..."
I know, little bird.
My gaze lifts up to a god that my eyes can't discern, but whose soundless words allow me to touch his soul. And in his soul...I find none of the things I fear. I really thought he'd hate me. Blame me for letting it happen. But all I can sense from his words is understanding.
You were in danger, and the kiss was meant to take you back to safety.
"And that's truly it?" My arms loosen around his neck, and I shift restlessly under him. I know I should be thankful he really does understand what happened, but I'm not. Because if it were me in his shoes—-
Images suddenly flash in my mind, some real and others imagined, but both equally painful because they all point to the same thing: the god, using his lips to leave the order's mark on another woman's skin.
My god, kissing another woman's skin—-
MY god.
And just like that I feel as if I'm about to burst with rage and hurt.
"I guess I'm just not as reasonable as you," I hear myself say, and above me I feel the god stiffen. "Because if I were in your position, and I was, I'd feel bad about it, and actually, I do and I am feeling bad about it—-" My voice starts to rise, but I find myself unable to control it. "I know it's in the past, but I don't care. I just have to imagine you leaving your stupid mark with your lips, and it hurts, dammit—-"
I'm sorry, moraki mou. I'm sorry.
His mouth covers mine, and although my mind tells me I should make him grovel some more—-