She grips my arms tightly, as if she’s trying to hold on to me.
I can’t do this. I can’t hold on to her.
Dropping my hands, I step back. My voice is rough as I try to speak. “I’ll have your things sent over.”
“Don’t, Ethan. Don’t you fucking dare.”
With a brush of my thumb over her tender cheek, I take another step back, seeing the tears filling her eyes.
“You’ll be safe here until the Hellions come.”
Her eyes grow wide. “You didn’t! Tell me you didn’t make me fall in love with you just to send me away!” Tears roll down her face, and my heart shatters. She loves me.
“I can’t keep you safe,” I whisper before turning with a pronounced limp and walking away.
I shut the door behind me and pause when I hear her sob.
Evan will comfort her. Evan will keep her safe until the Hellions arrive and take her back to North Carolina. Tank will keep her safe. She will move on and be happy.
I will forever be empty. This is what I deserve. I failed her. I failed the mission of keeping her safe.
A woman like Desirae deserves a man who is whole. She deserves a man who can lay the world at her feet and ensure she’s safe with every step she takes.
I am not that man.
I am a broken man held together by only metal and modern medicine. I am not the man for Drill Sergeant Bust My Balls. She needs strength, freedom to be wild, and she needs the whole package. I am weak, a burden rather than freedom, and I am far from being whole.
The ride home only makes the physical pain match the emotional.
Standing in my doorway, my mind goes back to getting out of the shower. They got to her in this place. In my home. They were able to take her from me.
Picking up the phone, I dial Ice.
“I want more than Ricca. I want the whole operation shut the fuck down!”
“Can’t do that, brother.”
“What the fuck do you mean can’t? When has that word ever been in our vocabulary?”
“Young called in a marker.”
I stand in the doorway of my condo, ready to explode. “What. The. Fuck. Are. You. Talking. About?”
“He said he needed us to back off beyond Ricca and the cousin. He said they acted alone, and he needs Wellington. It’s personal.”
I can’t contain my rage.
“Wellington is how Suzie got tied up in this shit. Wellington put her on the radar. Wellington is how Suzie got killed and how Desirae’s entire life got turned upside down. Wellington goes fucking down!”
“I get that, but Young gave his word the entire operation will be shut down by his hand, and he will owe us one.”
“You think I give two fucking shits about Young and his team owing us right now? If it were Morgan—”
“Don’t go there,” he growls. “Leave my woman out of this shit. I gave Young the club’s word, but if he needs backup, I also told him we want the first call.”
“It’s fucking Young,” I roar. “He goes off half-cocked and alone more than anyone. He’s not gonna call.”
“We don’t fucking know that. Stand down, Hammer. That’s all you’re getting from me.” Ice disconnects, and I want to throw my phone.
I feel helpless. I feel out of control. Killing Ricca wasn’t enough.
I look at my phone then dial the man holding me back.
It rings twice before the man I used to consider a teammate but now want to throttle picks up the other end.
“Young.”
“You motherfucker! You better give me one good reason why I can’t go after him, or I’ll defy the order I’ve been given to leave him alone and take him out to make sure my woman stays safe.”
The line is silent for a few seconds, and then Lucas’s voice speaks to me in a quiet, determined tone I haven’t heard since the last time we were in a mission together.
“You’re not the only one with woman problems, McCoy. If you take Wellington out, I could very well lose my own woman.”
My hand tightens on my cell until I stop myself from breaking the cheap plastic burner phone. “You better not be dicking me around, Young, or I swear to God I’ll skin your hide. I could have lost Desirae for good.”
“And I still might lose my girl because she’s tied up with Wellington in ways I’m still trying to figure out. So back the fuck off, stay the hell out of it, and trust me when I say I’m gonna take care of him.”
“You better, Lucas. You’re not the only one who knows how to go lone wolf and get shit done.”
I hang up the phone, break it in half as I storm out of my place, and throw it in the trashcan in front of the elevator door.