“What’s the matter babe? Your face just fell so hard it hit the ocean floor.” Natalie picks up her cup and licks a bit of chocolatey froth from the edge.
“Oh, I’m just thinking about all my friends back home. We’re really close. All this happened so fast I didn’t get a chance to talk to them. They don’t always have the best advice, but it helps me sort out my own thoughts, you know?”
Natalie is looking at me with such intensity I wonder if I’ve said something wrong. She shakes her head a little and looks out over the ocean, the glare broken by waves and the occasional dipping seagull.
“I don’t have friends like that.” She tries to speak lightly but I can hear the hurt behind it. “Its so hard, you know. I’m always travelling. I don’t stay in one spot for long. I used to make connections in spite of that, trying to say my job doesn’t have to define me. But either I got too busy or they got jack of me never being there.” She shrugs defeatedly.
“I don’t really know anyone who isn’t on this boat.” She takes a sip of coffee to hide her sadness. My heart goes out to her.
“Maybe you could get some time off.” I say gently. “You can always make real connections while you’re on holiday.”
She snorts a little. “That doesn’t really solve anything. I’ll go back to constantly being on the move and they’ll get jack of it like everyone does. I can’t blame them.”
She looks down into her lap and I bite my lip a little. I just don’t know what to say. Its really not fair that a sweet, giving girl like this cant find someone special or even a decent friend to lean on regularly.
I try to think of something to say as Natalie sighs and takes another sip. The coffee is good, probably the best I’ve ever had.
“To make things worse, guys are always hitting on me.” Her pretty, well sculpted eyebrows turn downwards in a frown. “I know it’s the done thing while people are on a cruise. If you get on one of these boats and you’re single, the goal is to fuck practically everyone on the boat. I just seem to get a lot more attention than the others.”
I grin over the edge of my cup. “At least you’re fully validated about your looks.”
She giggles. “For sure.”
“Flattering, at least?”
She shakes her head. “Maybe at first. Now its just really annoying. I can’t take another guy parading in front of me like he’s the hottest thing in the universe and I should be grateful just to have his attention. Like, seriously.”
I only have to consider this for a few seconds to get a cold clutch in my guts that wrinkles up my nose as I grimace with sympathy.
“Yeah. Okay, that sounds like it sucks.”
“It does! It really does. I don’t get hit on by women, but even if I did, they’d be just like the guys. Out for a quick bang or a short holiday romance. I’m not a fucking toy. I’m not a disposable toothbrush for fucks sakes.”
I can tell she’s gotten too deep into this when she has to swallow and blink hard, focusing on her coffee. I reach out and squeeze her arm gently. She looks up at me gratefully.
“Thanks for trying to cheer me up. I’m sorry. I’ve had this shit inside for quite a while now. I didn’t mean to spill a bunch of heavy shit on you.”
“No, don’t apologize.” I’m so touched by her honesty I can’t believe she feels she has to say sorry. “Your feelings are real, and you should talk about them.”
She props her chin in her hand, a faraway look on her face. She stirs her coffee a little with one finger, sucking the foam off it.
“I just wish I had what Robin and Emily have.” She gives a desperate sigh as my heart literally constricts into a heart attack. “I haven’t seen them, but it’s the talk of the ship. They are so in love. Its just beautiful.”
I stutter stupidly and realize my eyes are welling up. Natalie looks at me in alarm.
“Shit Jess. Does it upset you, too?”
I shake my head. The words crowd in my throat. I try so hard not to say it. Its like the wave of words crashes over me with a will of its own.
“There is no ‘Robin’ or ‘Emily’.” I say with a flat voice. “At least, not on this ship. There’s just Ashley… And me.”
Natalie’s shocked face doesn’t move for a second. Her mouth slowly drops open.
“It’s a sham.” I speak over the silence. “Ashley ended up here, posing as Robin. She wanted to maintain her cover, so she needed a girlfriend. I showed up at exactly the right time.”
“What the fuck?” Natalie whispers.
I shake my head. “I know, its crazy. I don’t know how I got myself into this situation. The worst thing is—” The wave of words dries up and gets stuck in my throat. Natalie rubs my hand gently. I look up into her sympathetic eyes.