“I was just barely a teenager when my dad died, and I went to live with my aunt,” I say solemnly.
I tell her how my aunt raised me, all through my teenage years. Which, quite possibly, makes her the biggest saint in the world. Teenagers are hard enough to deal with, but add grief and a world turned upside down… I’m amazed that either of us survived.
Even after moving away to college, she was always the one I came home to. She was more of a mother to me than my own birth mother had been. I don’t know why I tell her all this, but when I finish, she shares something about herself in return.
She explains to me about her life at Harvard. You’d think she had a life of privilege there, but being a woman, and a lesbian as well, meant that she had to work even harder to prove herself to every male classmate, every male professor, even to her own family.
“Looking back at it now, I can’t believe I put so much effort into being able to beat everyone at beer pong and pool, just to make a point. After I took all their money, they had no other choice but to respect me.” She laughs heartily and I find myself grinning at her in response.
Ana looks up from her plate. Her lips are spread in a wide, sauce covered smile. “This is so much fun! Mama, can we go shopping now? We can buy stuff and have even more fun!”
“Oh, sweetie, I have so much work I need to do,” Tiffany starts to say.
Ana’s eyes immediately fill with tears and her lower lip begins to quiver. “You know what, miss?” I pull her attention to me. “I bet if we go shopping, just the two of us, we can buy all kinds of stuff that your mom usually won’t let you get. I bet we could have lots of fun together.”
“Really?” Ana searches my face, before glancing back at her mom. Tiffany nods her head with a smile.
“Could we get gummy worms,” Ana says slyly, gaging Tiffany’s reaction from the corner of her eye.
“Sure, maybe even chocolate bars,” I say as if that’s the most illicit thing imaginable.
That causes Ana to giggle, and she finally agrees to let Tiffany get some work done. Tiffany sends me a warm, grateful smile and mouths the words, thank you. I smile back as my heart does a little flip flop in my chest, and a fuzzy feeling wraps around me.
Ten
Tiffany
I get home early and manage to catch dinner with Ana and Rachel. I quickly get lost in my thoughts. Over the past week, I’ve really noticed how badly I needed someone competent to look after Ana.
In the past the nannies have been less than competent. I feel like none of them really cared. Rachel obviously cares about Ana.
I don’t need a nanny that will love my daughter like their own, but it is nice having someone who cares and tries with her.
Rachel is a hard worker. I respect that. She’s more than earning her pay with me.
I also can’t help but enjoy spending time with her. I’ve been finding more and more reasons to come home early lately.
Not only do I love seeing my daughter, but I also get to have dinner with Rachel. I have to admit that it’s a pretty serious bonus.
These feelings have been keeping me up at night though. I haven’t felt this way about someone since Anabelle.
I push down the thought. No. Anabelle was once in a lifetime. That part of my life is over.
I have never felt pain like I felt when I lost her. It felt like there was no more brightness left in the world.
But I had to go on for Ana. I couldn’t let her world be over even though mine was.
I know she feels the loss. I see it sometimes, but she’s managing it.
She does like Rachel though. She likes her a lot. And why shouldn’t she like her nanny?
I just worry that it gets dangerous to get so attached. I don’t know how long this thing will last.
This is all the more reason why I have to realize that these feelings for Rachel are a fleeting fancy. I can’t disappoint my daughter like that. I can’t take someone else away from her.
Still, I can’t help but notice every little thing about Rachel. I tell myself that it’s because she’s so beautiful and she’s around so much, but I don’t know.
It could be that, or it could be something more.