When Tempest heard that comment, she decided to sneak a peek in the bag. She knew how sick Janessa could be, but still, she couldn’t believe her eyes. “Janessa, you know you need to take this back and get her something else!” she snapped.
“Tempest, bring the present on over here,” Mrs. Porter ordered. “I’ve been around a long time. There’s nothing in that bag I haven’t seen before.”
Tempest slowly walked over to the sofa and handed her the bag. “I want you all to know I have absolutely nothing to do with what’s in there.” Tempest rolled her eyes and clucked her tongue in Janessa’s direction and then mouthed the words, “Sick ass!”
Mrs. Porter pulled the fourteen-inch dark brown dildo out of the bag and hollered, “Oh myyyyyyy goodness!”
Everyone snickered, and some of the older women stared at it, trying to figure out what it was.
“Grandma, do you even know what that is?” Marquita probed.
Mrs. Porter gave Marquita a love-slap on the leg. “Of course I know what it is! Everyone knows what a vibrator looks like!”
Chiquita chuckled. “Ahem, actually that’s a dildo, Grandma.”
Mrs. Porter gazed over at Chiquita, who was standing up beside Janessa and Tempest. “What’s the difference? Dildo. Vibrator. They both serve the same purpose.”
Aunt Mabel decided to educate them all. “A vibrator you just stick in, and it moves all by itself. It runs off batteries. With a dildo, you have to manually stimulate yourself with it.”
Janessa’s mouth fell open. “Dang, Aunt Mabel, how do you know so much about them?”
“She sounds like an expert,” Marquita concluded, wondering if the freakiness she tended to exude herself was genealogical.
“Maybe I am an expert,” Aunt Mabel said, blushing. “I wasn’t born yesterday, you know.”
Janessa took a long look at her grandmother sitting on the couch with the gigantic, elephantine dildo in her fragile hand and envisioned having to call an ambulance if she tried to actually use it. She could never forgive herself if her grandmother ended up in traction or something. “Grandma, Tempest is probably right.” Janessa walked over to the couch and tried to take the dildo from her. “I’ll take it back and get you something more appropriate.”
Mrs. Porter yanked it away and pushed it down between the cushions on the couch. “Reach for it again and pull back a stub, missy!”
Janessa wasn’t sure whether her grandmother was joking about the violence or not. She knew how horny she’d been during her current dick drought and figured her grandmother had probably gone about thirty years without any action. She decided to get the party moving along. “Aiight, let’s get ready to play Ghetto Jeopardy,” she announced to the room.
Janessa went to the laundry room to get the game off the dryer, and Tempest followed her, grabbed her by the elbow, and seethed, “No more raunchy gifts, Janessa, or we’re steppin’ out back so I can open a can of whup-ass. I can’t believe you just gave your grandmother a damn dildo!”
Janessa freed herself from Tempest’s grasp. “Dang, I’m just trying to keep the party interesting.” She pouted. “Besides, technically, you gave it to her, not me.”
Janessa giggled, but Tempest didn’t see anything amusing. “I hope these strippers you and Chiquita have coming over here aren’t planning on getting buck wild, because if they do, I’m leaving. I’m not about to sit up in here watching a bunch of senior citizens cream all over themselves.”
“Tempest, quit the mothering! Damn!”
“Speaking of mothers, where in the world is yours?” Tempest inquired. “Why didn’t she come to the party?”
“She claimed she was going home to get some rest after the rehearsal dinner.” Janessa grimaced. “Besides, the last thing we need here is my mother. She would make us all sit around and give Marquita tips on being a good and proper wife and all the other bullshit she’s always talking.”
They went back out into the main room, and Tempest helped Janessa set up the game and get people organized into two teams.
“Okay,” Janessa began, pulling a card from the deck once they were all settled. “The category is Eighties Television. For two hundred points, the name of the character on The Jeffersons who played George and Louise’s son.”
Aunt Mabel jumped up off her chair. “Who is Lionel?”
“Correct,” Janessa said. “Next question, the name of—”
Aunt Mabel was still excited over the first question. “Lionel had the biggest, juiciest ass. Brotha looked like he was hung like a horse, too!”
Everyone busted out laughing, and bunches of high fives were passed about. Tempest decided to try some of the potato wine. It was apparent it was going to be a long-ass night.
“Aunt Mabel, can we move on now?” Janessa asked, rolling her eyes.
Aunt Mabel sat back down and started whispering to the woman beside her, probably still talking about Lionel’s ass.