I walk to the casino floor. I take a deep breath. I feel my father all around as I walk past the flashing lights of the slot machines. This is where my father spent most of his time—here on the floor of the casino, mingling with guests and making sure everything was running smoothly.
I walk off the casino floor to a door that says Employees Only. I flash my card in front of the door and watch as the light changes from red to green before I open the door. I enter and take the stairs up to the second floor.
I take a right and head down to my father’s office that is at the end of the long hallway. I take the key out of my pocket and unlock the door. I push it open, and the smell immediately overwhelms me. It smells like expensive cologne and cigarettes. It smells like my father.
I miss you, I think as I walk in and close the door behind me.
Tears fall fast as I make my way over to my favorite couch on one side of my father’s office. I let them. I cry. I let everything out. I let go of the pain. I let go of the guilt. I leg go of all of it. It all comes out.
When the final bits of pain and guilt have washed away, all I’m left with is anxiety over speaking to Granddad. I begin pacing back and forth in the large office that was my father’s while I wait for my grandfather to arrive.
I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.
I try to keep my eyes on the ground instead of looking at the numerous things that remind me of my father.
I don’t have to look up to know that a picture of me and Dad is sitting on his desk. I was five, riding on his shoulders. There’s another of the whole family sitting right beside it.
I don’t have to look up to know the most comfortable couch on the planet is leaning against the far wall. I have fallen asleep on it countless times while reading a book, waiting for Dad to take me out to dinner.
I don’t have to look up to know a huge stack of every magazine I have been in is piled in the corner.
I don’t have to look up to know a picture of my first modeling job when I was twelve is in a frame on the wall.
Instead, I try to rehearse what I’m going to say when my grandfather gets here. Granddad, I love you and respect you, but I’m an adult. I can make my own decisions in the best interests of myself and this company. I’ve already found someone that I think would make a good candidate, and I would like you to meet him soon…
I keep repeating the speech I practiced all night, but my mind quickly goes back to Killian. I bite my lip, remembering how his lips felt on mine, how he pulled every emotion out of me. I tuck my hair behind my ear, remembering how his touch there sent shivers all over my body. My heart speeds up as I think about how I had the most explosive orgasm of my life with his tongue buried inside me.
I try to stop thinking about him, but I can’t. I haven’t called—yet. It’s only been a few hours since I saw him, but I have a feeling that I’ll be looking for something comforting after this meeting, and I will need someone to talk to. No, I’ll need someone to help me forget. I’ll text him this afternoon. It won’t hurt to ask if he is free.
“You’re on time,” Granddad says as he walks into the office.
“Yes,” I say as I stop pacing. I immediately lose any thoughts of Killian. I know my face is flushed, so without having to look up, I walk to the corner of the room where there is a container of water. I take one of the white plastic cups and fill it with water before walking slowly back to my chair that is pointed at the desk.
I slowly sip my water, trying to drain my face of its overly pink color, while stalling from giving my speech. I’ll wait just a few minutes longer. No need to rush the speech and get it wrong.
“He should be here soon,” he says, staring at his watch, as he sits behind the desk my father used to.
I don’t think I could ever sit there. That’s Dad’s chair, not his.
“Last time I spoke with him, he was just wrapping up a meeting.”
I nod and drink my water faster. I don’t have much time then.
“Granddad, I’ve been thinking. I, uh…how do I say this?” I start talking, but I have no idea what I’m saying. “I, um…I don’t think marrying whoever is going to walk through that door is the best idea. I think…I think I should have a say in who I marry.” I make the mistake of looking up to see Granddad frowning at me with his eyes raised, but it doesn’t stop my mouth from spilling every dumb thought on my brain. “I think I’ve already found someone whom I could fall for. He’s smart and handsome, and I think you will like him. He’s a businessman. And he’s a great kisser.” Damn it, why did I say that?
“Hush, girl,” he says.
But I don’t hush. I keep talking. “And I don’t think I even want to get married anytime soon. I want to find more boys to kiss. I’m young, much too young to get married this year. I need to live a little first. And if I’m honest, I think I could run the company by myself without a husband by my side. I think that’s what Dad would have wanted.”
“Hush,” he says more sternly this time.
I stop, mainly because I can’t believe the words that just came out of my mouth. What the hell has come over me? I don’t want to run the company myself, do I?
I grab my cup of water sitting on the edge of the desk. I
take a long sip, waiting for the lecture.
But it never comes.