I follow him into the room, but keep my distance as Kai continues to alternate between screaming Milo and my name.
Langston doesn’t hesitate to touch her. Apparently, she’s already given him permission.
“Kai, you’re safe. I have you. You can wake up,” Langston says, wrapping her in his arms. Pulling her head to his bare chest to try to warm her and stop the cold sweats.
He slowly rocks her as he whispers more words into her ear I can’t hear.
Slowly, Kai’s eyes open. But she’s still not here. She doesn’t look at Langston. She doesn’t look at me. She just stares as if she’s still living her nightmare.
Langston begins stroking her hair and rubbing her back gently.
“You’re safe. No one is going to hurt you. Never again,” Langston says. Making promises I’ve made before, but was incapable of keeping.
Fuck.
What did I do? How could I have let this happen?
Suddenly, Kai jumps up and runs to the bathroom.
“What’s happening?” I ask, Langston.
Langston sighs. “The nightmares are so real that sometimes she gets sick afterward.”
I don’t deserve her. And all I do is hurt her.
But I’m a selfish bastard. I fell in love. And I don’t think I can let her go.
Langston and I both follow Kai to the bathroom, where she grips the toilet as she empties everything in her stomach. No wonder she looks so weak and doesn’t want food, if this is what happens later at night.
Langston pulls her hair into a ponytail and rubs her back. What I wouldn’t give to be able to do that for her. But he gets to, not me.
I go over the sink, grab a washcloth, and wet it with warm water.
I close my eyes, wincing with each wretch of her stomach. Each time she vomits, I feel a direct hit to my core. I’m the one being hit.
Finally, the sound stops, and I turn to look at Kai. She’s pale, looking like she just finished running a marathon.
This is my fault.
Langston is still standing behind her, waiting until she’s ready to get up. But I don’t deserve to get answers. I don’t get to be here anymore.
I will help fix her, but not for my own selfish reasons. Because she deserves to be whole again. She deserves to go through life without living in pain.
I hold out the washcloth to her with a sadness and pain I haven’t felt since she risked her life to go with Milo.
Langston reaches out to take it for her, but Kai beats him to it. When she grabs the washcloth, her fingers brush mine, and I’m overcome with her pain. That’s all I feel when I touch her, and it’s because she’s so consumed by it that she can’t feel anything else.
I feel the tears swelling in my eyes, and I know I can’t stay. She doesn’t deserve to have to deal with my tears. My pain is nothing compared to hers.
I turn and begin walking quickly out of the room, knowing I won’t bother her again unless she asks me to. Which she never will. Which means this is effectively goodbye.
Damn fucking goodbyes.
“Stop,” Kai says, her voice weak yet strong.
I stop but don’t turn around as I force my eyes to suck the tears back into my eyes.
“Langston, will you go get me some water?” Kai says.