My breathing is jagged and choppy and out of control. I retrieve a towel from my bag and wipe my forehead.
The night has turned into morning and it’s now the afternoon. It’s been an entire day since I last had human interaction.
At least with humans I know.
I spent the night running, then I went to the forest and ran some more, and now I’m back to the park.
Dad and Agnus already know, but they probably didn’t expect me to be gone for an entire day. That’s why I chose a night they were spending working in the office.
Even if they do figure it out, they’ll understand. They know I need this.
My therapist used to call it a coping mechanism. I call it purging.
You know, human beings are like sponges. They soak up so much, and there comes a time when they have to expel those feelings so they don’t suffocate — or worse, snap.
I need to purge more than the average person because when that darkness creeps in, I can’t shut it out. I can’t look the other way and pretend it’s not happening and the world can go on.
That type of darkness not only glides under my skin, it also possesses my head and puts crazy ideas in there, like maybe, just maybe waiting isn’t the greatest tactic. Maybe I should make them feel how I felt before I stopped feeling altogether.
Maybe the shadow on my shoulder will finally stop crying.
But no. I can wait. If I suffered, he can suffer.
If I bled, he’ll bleed.
My heart rate escalates at those thoughts, and I’ve never hated my heart the way I do now.
Despite all the purging, I can’t get those stupid brown eyes out of my head. I can’t chase him away from my thoughts.
The harder I run, the faster he barges in. The longer I torture myself physically, the more I yearn for his hands on me, feeling me, touching me, owning —
I shake my head and take out my phone. Ronan Astor is an arsehole, and that’s all there’s to it.
I power on my phone to send a text to Knox and let him know I’ll come back later.
When my screen lights up with a few texts, I’m not surprised. Elsa and Knox tend to worry even when I make sure to tell them where I’m going beforehand.
Elsa: Kim and I are having a girls night if you want to join.
Knox: Why didn’t you tell me you disappeared? I had to hear about it from Dad. You’re losing twin privileges, sis.
Knox: Text me back that you’re okay.
I reply to both of them, thinking I’m done with texts, but then a dozen other messages appear at the top.
My heart does that stupid thing whenever his name comes into view. God, what’s wrong with me?
The first text was an hour after I left school.
Ronan: When I told you to figure out your mistake, I meant to figure out your fucking mistake, not get together with Cole. Spoiler alert: that made your situation way fucking worse.
He sent another text soon after.
Ronan: Where are you? Why is your phone turned off?
He laid off for an hour before sending another one.
Ronan: Teal, don’t fuck with me or I’m tying you the fuck down when I find you. Answer your damn phone.