An Astor doesn’t cry. Dad’s words were the only sound in my head.
I was a proper boy. A good boy. I couldn’t cry.
So I called out for them again. “Mother! Father! Where are you? Come get me.”
They didn’t.
People wearing wolf masks scared me and I screamed, but I didn’t cry.
I couldn’t cry.
I knew I shouldn’t.
That’s when I saw them. Bunnies — or rather women wearing bunny costumes and giggling.
They had bunny ears and their pink bunny dresses were flying behind them as they laughed and giggled.
Suddenly, I didn’t have the urge to not cry. I had the urge to run after them and catch them.
But the moment I rounded the corner, they were gone.
Lars found me soon after. He’d followed us because he was worried. I didn’t tell him what had happened. I said I’d had a fight with Uncle Ed, and he just nodded.
Mum and Dad didn’t come home that night or the night after. They had a Halloween party for three nights, and I didn’t sleep once during that time.
All I could do was have nightmares about dark streets and a weight on my body and a bunny running down the street.
And Lars found me every time.
I didn’t say anything to Dad because Uncle Ed was leaving anyway, and I hated myself. I hated Dad too for leaving me with him that night. I also didn’t want Mum to know; it’d destroy her.
She trusted him with me, and he stabbed that trust. She’d hate herself for not seeing the signs, and she’d suspect something else had happened.
Nothing did, though not for lack of trying on his part — he did attempt to corner me a few times when he visited.
I was Uncle Ed’s forbidden fruit. The more I escaped him, the harder he tried to put his fucking hands on me, but I was smarter.
When I was a kid and couldn’t defend myself, I hid behind Lars. I was always with Lars whenever he came to visit. Lars, who already suspected something, never ever left me alone. He made sure to have me in his sight all the time.
When I grew up, Uncle Eduard kept his hands to himself, as he should’ve, because I told him in no certain terms that I’d beat him the fuck up if he as much as puts his hands on me.
He always brought up my weakness for Mum. Whenever he felt like I would slip and tell Dad about his paedophile activities, Eduard reminded me of how much it would shatter my mum. How much it would make her already fragile mental state worse.
That was and is the only reason Eduard Astor still exists in my life.
I’ve borne the memory all this time. I can carry it until the very end. Mum doesn’t need to know about this, and Dad certainly doesn’t.
He abandoned me that night, and deep down, I never forgave him for it.
I pause after telling Teal the story. I left out the fact that the man who did that to me is my uncle and the part about the bunnies because I don’t want her to be disgusted with me. I don’t want her to think I’m sick for having a fantasy about bunnies when they’re associated with the darkest night of my life.
“That’s why I’m always with people,” I say. “People allow me to think less about myself. When I was a child, I had this idea that having so many people around meant nothing like that would happen to me again, but in order to be with people, I had to be liked by people. That’s the reason behind that image and the parties and the sex. I didn’t shag girls because I wanted to, but because I needed the company. I needed to not sleep alone. I needed to wake up in the morning and find many people in my house because that meant I wasn’t alone and nothing bad would happen to me.”
Two streams of tears fall down Teal’s cheeks. She’s been holding them in for so long while I’ve been telling her that memory, but now, it’s like she has reached the saturation level and can’t keep it in anymore.
“Here’s the thing, belle.” My voice drops. “Since you came into my life, I don’t need people anymore. I just need you.”
I sound like a sappy fuck, but I don’t care. I’m not allowing her to walk away from this. It might have started wrong, but she’s grown to be the most beautiful thing I’ve ever laid eyes on.