“What are you doing here?” she whispers. “Get out.”
I deserve that, too.
But I’m not leaving until she knows everything.
It’s the moment of truth.
23
Kimberly
Today, the therapist told me to say what I hate, that I should let it out.
I said I hated how Mum treated me and how the bullies at school talked about me. I said I hated fat shaming and diets.
But I kept what I hated the most to myself.
I hate how much my heart flutters when Xander is in sight or how I forget what I was trying to do the moment he comes into my vicinity.
Both his hands are shoved into his jeans. His lower lip is busted and cut and his ocean-deep eyes appear even more bottomless, exhausted, as if he hasn’t slept for days.
He appears a little bit broken, a little bit haunted, a little bit wounded.
Just like me.
And I hate that even more.
I hate that he was the one who found me and that he saw me in that state.
I hate that I’m grateful to him in ways words can’t express.
I hate that I keep looking at the door, expecting him to come in any second, and how I feel gutted every time he doesn’t.
I hate that I wanted to see him, even though I have no interest in seeing my mum.
But most of all, I hate him.
The boy, the person, who cut me off from his life and left me to fend for myself.
The knight I took refuge in, but he offered no shelter.
The person I shared my life with, but he erased me as if I were never there.
I trusted him and he betrayed me. I can forgive anything but that.
“Get out,” I repeat in a firm voice.
Now that I had my fill of him – as dishevelled as he is – I can live without wondering about him one more day.
I told Elsa and Dad about everything, although I had to struggle with the tears in Elsa’s eyes and how they both blamed themselves for not seeing the signs sooner.
They couldn’t have, because I was pro-level at hiding them. Besides, they both had a lot to deal with. Dad had his demanding work and Elsa had her complicated family situation and volatile relationship with Aiden.
Now that they offered their full support, I don’t need Xander to see me anymore.
I might be broken, but I’ll pull myself together. I might have fallen, but I’ll get up. There’ll be a day where I look behind and say I survived.
And I don’t need him to be there for that.