It doesn’t even have anything to do with the nine years I spent sleeping while the world moved on around me.
I dreamt a lot about normal family life during those years. About Abby’s angelic smile, Eli’s laughs, and Elsa’s giggles.
Little things. Impossible things.
Because the truth of the matter is, Agnus was right. I started a family with a mentally unstable woman, and I was too smitten to think straight.
I started a family with a woman who shouldn’t have given birth.
Elsa will never know this, but it was because of Abby’s neglect that Eli drowned. She removed his swimming jacket and asked him to go into the water. She told him to be free.
She confessed all that to me at his funeral.
Perhaps that’s why Abby lost all her bearings after his death.
Her notion of freedom is different than any of us.
Abby was damaged since a young age. She was broken but smiled. She was innocent but wanted to be wild.
She was different, and that’s exactly why I was attracted to her. I was a moth drawn to a flame that eventually burned me.
If I could redo the past, I would lock Abby away the second Elsa was born. I would’ve followed the therapist’s recommendation and kept her away from children.
The truth of the matter is, I was selfish, and there’s no way to fix my selfishness now.
That’s why it feels like I accomplished nothing in my forty-four-years-old life. Business ventures and economic success don’t count. I couldn’t even protect my employees from the fire ten years ago.
However, as I stare at Teal and hear her words, I can’t help the smile that breaks across my face. I might not have accomplished much, but I at least saved her and Knox. They’re the best thing that happened to my life after Elsa.
And Agnus.
I let Teal finish talking. She’s speaking fast, skipping over words, and blurting out what’s inside her.
Teal isn’t talkative, but when she does speak, she doesn’t know how to stop. I let her get on with it, because if I interrupt her flow, she’ll lose her chain of thoughts.
“You don’t have to do that,” I tell her once she’s finished. “I’ll find another way.”
“No.” She stomps her foot while standing up. “I’m in, Dad. I made my decision.”
“Think more carefully about it, Teal.”
“I have. That’s why I’m talking to you. I want to do this.”
“Do what?” Knox barges in, dropping on the armrest of Teal’s chair.
I shake my head. The kid is a headache. He’s so lively and energetic, it drives me bonkers sometimes.
He always goes around saying he wants to be my best son, threatening both Elsa and Teal so they don’t step the line. He already is, I just don’t tell him that so he doesn’t lose his energy.
Knox has an infuriating habit of losing interest once he gets what he wants.
“What are you gonna do, T?” He pulls on his sister’s strands. “Don’t tell me Dad agreed to let you pierce your belly button.”
“Pierce your belly button?” I stare at her.
She elbows Knox, cheeks flushing.
“Uh-Oh. You didn’t know that?” He grins at me. “Forget I said anything.”